Turning Points
by Rocks-my-socks
Summary: When Charles Carson and Elsie Hughes run into trouble as teenagers in Yorkshire, they make a choice which defines the rest of their lives. Little do they know, their choice will also change Julienne Newgarden's life forever too.
1. Chapter 1

Written for NanoWrimo 2016.

 **Disclaimer** : Neither Call The Midwife or Downton Abbey belong to me. I just enjoy both immensely and am having some fun by mixing both up.

 **Summary:** When Charles Carson and Elsie Hughes run into trouble as teenagers in Yorkshire, they make a choice which defines the rest of their lives. Little do they know, their choice will also change Julienne Newgarden's life forever too.

 **Turning Points**

 _Chapter 1_

Yorkshire, the late 60s…

There was something about being hand in hand with Charles Carson which Elsie Hughes did not think she was ever going to be able to put into words. It was the sheer connection of feeling him right next to her, palm to palm.

It was intimate in a way that did not need to be shut behind closed doors, that was what she had heard one of the other lasses at the Abbey say. She had been out for the evening with her feller and she had come back full of it. Of course, the others had all either quizzed her, desperate for the gossip and for a love of their own, or they had ignored her and insisted they were too high above her to care about such things when nothing could be further from the truth as the poor lass had come back to the female corridor that night.

As for Elsie she had had a different reaction – that was because for the first time in her life she had understood what had been described. She had lain in her bed and she had listened through the open door and she had had a smile on her face as she heard every word. But it was not because of the other lasses date night.

It was not a foreign concept to her or something to be longed for. It was something which she had, something which she knew she was lucky enough to have in her life. It was something – something very precious to her indeed.

She and Charles had been working together for three years – she had arrived at Downton Abbey when she was fifteen, fresh out of school, right in the twilight of its day. There was no chance she was going to spend her life in service there and for that she could only be glad. She wanted so much more for herself than the girls had had in the past and she was not going to settle for anything because other people though it was the right life for her.

She knew for example the day that she gave the job up her mother and father were going to think she had lost her mind. But that would not be the truth. She would leave at just the right moment when there was somewhere for her to go.

And when she did go she was not going to be leaving alone.

She and Charles Carson had always got on. They had a lot in common after all. While she knew he had had a lot more love for the place where they worked and for that matter, the people … what the two of them did share was work ethic. Neither of them were slackers or likely to tolerate it later in their careers.

They both also loved to read, to walk in the beautiful country side in which they were lucky enough to live and also to spend their evenings quietly but at the same time, together.

But that did not got to say the two of them were identical in everything for she knew that at times, they could be very different. There were faults in his character which she recognized and did condemn from time to time but not too strongly. After all, she was as human as he was and she had no doubt she had her own faults.

Besides anything else, she loved him – all of him, for good and ill – far more than any condemnation.

She loved his strength and his truth and his honesty.

She loved his eyes and his smile and the touch of his warm hands.

She loved his laugh, she loved his voice, the way he said her name.

All of it – and all of it she had discovered just this summer.

It had been the day of the fair – that was when this new chapter in their friendship had begun - and she did not think it was an exaggeration to say her life, she felt, had begun. He had not even been sure that he wished to go. Some silliness about getting something done when the rest of the household were out…

She had rolled her eyes. She knew he wished to progress in his job and he was not afraid of the hard work to get there.

But when the house was busy he did his own work load and about ten other foot man's job (which was lucky because there were only two others – and having two footmen in the sixties was almost unheard of)… She had decided then and there she was not going to stand for it anymore… he was not a man to put himself first and it was beginning to show. He had bags beginning to develop under his eyes and she had begun to notice he laughed less easily. Not a great surprise – though the estate had not ran as it had done in its hay day since the two of them had joined, they were both nevertheless aware that the time in which the Crawley's were going to life at the house were numbered. There was much change in the air and if there was one thing her friend could not stand then it had to be change.

Every day there was more and more talk of whether it was going to be English Heritage or National Trust who took it over and while Elise found the idea that the house was going to be conserved appealing – for she was not immune to the beauty of it, even if she could see the grotesque which was involved in it – Charles could not quite believe that their, or more correctly his family, would not remain where they had been of so many years.

As she had said to him in one of her harsher moments though, the world was never going to again be in the Victorian or the Edwardian period – they had come so far from all of that there could be no return to the time of their grandfathers, especially not after the world had suffered through two world wars. Then there was the poverty which so many families had still had to endure after…

No, the time of grand lord and ladies was well and truly done.

"I know that!" he sad said with annoyance before storming off.

But none of that had taken place on the day of the fair. On the day of the fair there had been no annoyance or crossed words.

It had been the kind of day when the two of them had could just enjoy being together.

"Oh no – not today!" she had said as she had begun to drag him out of the abbey and down to Downton village. "You my lad are coming with me." she did not know what had inspired her to take him in hand that day. There had been a million other like it when she had left him to his work but – but there was so much more to life than work.

And all of a sudden she had been the one who wanted to make him see that.

And so they had gone down to the fair together and she had made him watch while she and Beryl went about on the carrousel before making it up to him by buying him a beer. The frown which had been on his face since they had left the house begun to begrudgingly turn into a smile.

Quite aside from the fact that she had been right – it was good to get out of the old place for a while it turned out – she did look very, very pretty in her pink shirt and denim dress. He was the last man in the world to be unaffected by the charms of Elsie Hughes, not that she knew that.

That was when Charles had begun to open up. When in Rome, after all…

"Well if I am here then I may as well have a go on the coconut shy!"

He, in return, had won her a little toy bear. For a moment it had reminded her of another fair and another life time ago, but then she had shaken the thought out of her head. She had not wanted to remember Joe Burns. Not quite then – he had been a nice enough lad… but not when she had been with Charles Carson. Joe was nice enough. But all of a sudden it had seemed as if it was wrong to compare the two. Silly as it was to think, she mused to herself, even though the two of them were just friends – there seemed all of a sudden to be a lot more weight to what she shared with Charles.

She told herself it was because they were that little bit older – they had a bit more in common. They shared more aspects of their lives. After all she may have gone to school with Joe, but she worked with Charles, lived in the same building. They shared nearly every meal time in that out dated servants hall.

"The two of you are having fun – I am going to leave the two of you too it," Beryl had said to her with a wink as before she had gone off to find Bert Mason, one of the team of gardeners at the Abbey who Beryl would quite like to have some fun with herself.

Elsie had grimaced for she had not quite liked the mirth with which her friend had said that before he had returned to Charles.

"It seems as if we have been abandoned," she said with a roll of her eyes.

"Well, we can only count that as her loss… candy floss?" he had offered.

"I was beginning to wonder what was taking you so long to ask!" she said with a grin. He knew she had a sweet tooth after all.

And that was where the night had really begun.

It had ended with the two of them walking back up to the abbey.

It was the kind of summer night that they did not often get up in Yorkshire. Even through there was a breeze it was by no means cold and Elsie had no need of the contingency cardigan which she had taken down to the fair in her bag.

The sun had not long since set. No one had told the stars that though – far away from the lights of the fair, they shone as brightly as they ever had.

"Thank you for tonight," Charles had said to her with a soft smile on his face – not the huge bright one she had seen throughout the evening, but one which suggested there was true sincerity breath its depths.

"You're quite welcome…"

There had been a pause before he had turned to her. "I did need to get out," he admitted.

He hadn't wanted to say it at the beginning of the night. But she had seen that was the truth and like the true friend she was she had made sure it had happened.

"I know you are taking all of this hard – but it is not personal. It is just the way of the world." she said softly.

It was not meant as a rebuke or a lecture.

"The truth is I envy you. Having something which you are so proud of and able to be so passionate about."

It was not that she had a lack of these things – the Scottish highlands and the strength which they had shown after all they had had to endure in the last few years – the last century and beyond - was surely which she was proud of. It was something which she was fiercely proud of.

But it did not harm to be gentle with him.

They were from very different backgrounds and they were from very different lives – but it was all relative and despite her young age she felt she had lived through enough years to know that.

He gave her a soft smile and took his hand in his own before lifting it to his mouth and leaving a kiss there.

"No matter what changed the two of us have to face – I think I will be ok with them if the two of us can face them together." His voice was low as he said that and she knew like many Englishmen he could have more than a little trouble admitting the truth of how he felt, which made it all the more precious to her when he did.

A huge smile graced her face as she cup she cupped his own handsome face between her two hands.

There beneath the moonlight, on a perfects summer evening, the two of them kissed and the world seemed to fade into nothing.

X x x

That all seemed as if it was a long time ago as the summer drew to a close. Not a season had passed since the two of them had begun to get closer – not a full one any way – and yet it seemed as if the two of them had been especial friends a lot longer.

And so together, Charles and Elsie had walked out of the abbey that evening in pursuit of quiet time and somewhere to have a picnic.

It was in many ways the perfect end to the summer. What she could only hope was going to be their first summer together. It had been a season of hand holding and lips brushed up against one another and all manner of blissfully innocent expressions of love and due to Beryl being the one to pack their picnic basket rather than one of them, they now had a delicious meal to end it with.

The sandwiches of ham and cucumber had been made with just the right amount of spread, the small, cold pies which had been part of the luncheon meal were as delicious as they had been when they were served warm and the crisps and cordial packed finished the meal nicely.

"It is not going to be too long before it is too cold for us to do this," Elsie said as she leant back into Charles arms.

"This is why we are doing it now," he hummed softly. "So the memory can keep us warm over winter."

"Is there going to be nothing else to keep me warm in the winter?" she asked in a manner which she was well aware was just a little bit tartly.

Craning her head round she was able to see his face she was pleased to see there was a rather devilish smile there.

"I can think of one other thing," he said as their lips brushed together.

"So I can feel," Elsie smirked before turning to look at him.

"I – I – Elsie, I am sorry."

Elsie could not help but laugh a little at how flustered he was.

She hushed him gentle before finding her fingers was on his lips and their eyes locked.

For just a moment it seemed to her as if the entire world was perfectly still.

There was no wind in the air.

There were no sounds from any other being human or animal. It seemed too Elsie in a way desperately quiet. It was almost as if the earth itself was making its mind up about them.

This was not the first time they had found themselves caught in such a moment.

There had been quite a few throughout the summer and Elsie knew them for what they were.

Turning points.

Did she go left or right?

She knew what her mother and father would have her do and that would be save herself for marriage. But the closet she got to him the less she wanted too.

Emotionally she loved the way the two of them were together. The two of them were in sync. That was not to say they agreed on everything – god knew they were never going to do that.

But the wobbles and the fights were not important. What was important was they felt. And when it came down to the things that mattered – the two of them agreed.

She kissed him, gently at first there lips brushing together as they had done so many times before. And as the kiss deepened, she leant into him, just as she had done before.

But every other time she had been able to stop it – make some reason why the two of they had to stop, whether it be to get back to the house to go to work or to get somewhere else or simply to say good night.

But his hands were so warm and she loved him so much,

Her hand sort the warm flesh beneath his shirt. That was new.

It was softer than she had thought it was going to be.

It was Charles who pulled back then – not her.

She knew he was a man of tradition. May be he was the one who would stop them. And may be that was going to be all for the best in the long run.

But he did not say anything. He only looked deep in to her eyes once more as if he was looking for something. He cupped her cheek gently and run his thumb back and forth across her check. And it was apparent he found it for soon he was returning her kiss with the passion with which she was giving to him.

For the first time ever when they were together he was less than a complete gentleman. His hands begun to wonder.

She was not sure if she was more intrigued or afraid but the one thing she did know was she did not want to stop. She had never let the fear of the unknown stop her from doing anything. Not leaving home. Not starting work. Not anything.

She would be damned if she was going to let it stop the two of them becoming closer.

For a moment she wondered if they should go down and in to the village. They could not go back to the house to do what they wanted to do… but they could go to the Grantham Arms.

Yet... She did not want to move from where they were out in the last of the summer's evenings with no one but each other.

His hand went higher and higher up her leg and she breathed in and out.

And kept steady.

"I love you," he said very gentle as his fingers brushed places she was not used to being touched.

Whether she was entirely relaxed or entirely on edge… it didn't matter.

"I love you too – and I trust you."

That was all he needed to know.

They did not get back to the abbey till long after curfew having had a night the two of them were bound never to forget and having made a choice at a cross roads which would rule the rest of their lives.

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	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

As autumn drew on, so did the plans for the house.

There were arguments and debates and tears upstairs. It was quite clear that Lady Violet was all for soldiering on with the house whether it was economical or not. If her husband was still alive then she might have had a powerful ally against the new generation, her son and his American bride.

But her Lord Grantham was dead and the will of another was the one that now governed life at Downton Abbey.

Lord Robert and Lady Cora had chosen one of the smaller houses on the estate. It was by no means a shoe box and Elsie had no doubt that when the two of them begun a family, their bairns were all going to get their own room.

She could not say she felt sorry for any of them. None of them were going to be homeless or on the streets. They were not going to see the house destroyed or any of their own in poverty.

They were simply going to go to a smaller house and the rather grand old one which they lived in was going to be made accessible to the public. She had to say she saw that as a bit of a win.

Lady Violet did not. Nor did Charles.

"That poor lady has lived here all of her married life. How is she meant to give that up just like that?" He ranted to her one day as they walked down a corridor together.

Normally she would roll her eyes… But there was something which was holding her back from giving the issue her full attention. One, she was just wasn't sure she cared that much and then there was the fact she had a nagging doubt at the back of her mind. As if she was missing something.

It was odd for her to be distracted of late. They had been having such a wonderful time together…. They had simply just been enjoying each other's company and hearts and souls and bodies. No interruptions… just the two of them.

X x x

The penny dropped like a bolder.

Ten weeks on no interruption.

She had been so happy and excited as they had headed towards the first Christmas as a couple that she had not really given a thought to what that meant… but now that she had, she found it was all she was able to think of.

On the one hand she could not believe they had allowed themselves to be caught in this situation as they had.

In their working lives, they were seen as he more adult and respect of the younger generation. No one – _no one_ – would think they would be here.

But here they were.

The truth of the matter had hit Elsie like a ton of bricks.

She would have to tell Charles, of course, but that was yet before her. And before she turned to him she wanted to know how she felt about the situation… the one thing she did know was this was not part of her plan.

She did want to be a mother but always she had supposed it to be a long way in to the future, a bit like marriage. The one thing which she did know was she wasn't yet done living for herself and didn't yet want to be caring for a child all day.

Or a wife yet, for the matter. One day – but not yet. The idea made her feel trapped.

Going back to her parents with a baby and no wedding band was not an option. She knew there were women in the back streets of any large city you could go too. They took away problems such as the one she had. All it took was a few pounds from what she had heard. Yet the thought horrified her.

She lay her hand on her stomach and breathed.

She lifted her eyes to the alter. She wasn't overly religious – she went to church and she believed but she was sure this was the first time she had ever one to church when she felt she was in trouble. Even then it was more that she had wanted quiet time than religious direction.

She hadn't seen it coming.

She would never ever judge a women who panicked when she was in trouble.

God knew she was on the edge of it herself and if a lass decided it would be better all round for her to try and get rid of the problem all together, then more power to her. Especially if she felt she could do so in a manner in which she would be safe.

As for Elsie, she did not. She did not know any women of that character. Even if they looked as if they were respectable on first meeting then she had no idea if they really were and she did not feel as if she could put her life in their hands. That was the thing about her. She liked life. She liked being alive and as she was right then.

So. She was not going to get rid of the baby. She did not feel she could raise it.

So… that left adoption.

X x x

Elsie left it a day and she wasn't sure why. Her secret was eating her alive and letting someone else in on it she was sure was the only way to stop that gnawing feeling that seemed to be threatening to consume her.

And she knew she could tell Charles – should tell Charles.

But only god knew why when she had to go through it but she wanted to give him one more day of peace before it begun for him.

She watched him more than she ever had in that last twenty four hours. She watched the way he moved and the way he talked. He was not a man she decided, who was care free. He never had been and he was never going to be. It seemed to her that he had come out of his mother with the weight of the world of his shoulders.

But the more she watched him, the more she found she was right – she did love him and had done for a long time.

She just prayed to god the two of them – together – were strong enough to get through the coming storm because…

Because he meant the world to her, she thought. She never say it out loud but she would know it in her heart.

Those shoulders of his were broad. She hoped they could carry some more.

"Are you alright, love? You're very quiet," he said as he took her hand over breakfast the next day.

It was then she knew his time of peace was over.

"I need to talk to you."

X x x

"I know we cannot keep it. And I don't want to put my life in danger so I guess that means we are going to have to give it away."

That was the first two sentences Elsie told a stone faced Charles after she had revealed to him the fact the two of them had created a life together.

She was putting her cards on the table fast – she was not going to be seen by him as some silly girl who had no idea what the two of them were going to do now. Not when she knew. Part of her wondered if she should have consulted him first… but she had made up her mind.

"We do not have to do that."

"What is our other option?"

"We could marry. I love you and you love me. And we could marry!"

It was a choice which she had ruled out through their age and it was one she did not look favourably on even then. Even though she could see it in his eyes how much he meant it…. and it made her love him more.

And she had no doub if she took him up on his offer he would do all he could to provide for her and their child… And they could be a family.

But even though she knew all of that she found even then she was shaking her head.

"No, Charles. If the two of us wed now, then I am going to have to give up work. We could take care of this baby but we cannot live on air. How long until we turned on each other with no money and all that stress? I am eighteen years old… you are twenty…" they were mature for their ages but they weren't that mature she didn't think.

They should be out having fun together at their age, not worry about nappies.

"But the point is we could make it work."

She shook her head as she saw hope in his eyes die.

"Are you saying you do not wish to marry me?"

For the first time she felt her lips turn into a smile. The thought of marrying him….

"Well, I am not going to marry any one else, let me put it to you that way," she said softly. "But no – at least, not yet. I do not want to be a mother; I do not want to be a wife… not for a while yet. I love you… but I can't give that you."

For all his traditional way of thinking she wondered if she was going to have to forfeit the two of them.

"I hope to god one day my name will be Elsie Carson… but…"

He nodded as she saw him try to digest everything which she had just said to him. If the truth was known she was still trying to digest it all. It was a lot to take in.

"Am I going to lose you?"

She had had to ask quite plainly for there was no point in beating around the bush. And if she was going to be facing this on her own then she knew she would rather know sooner than later.

A small defiant voice in her said she could. She did not need him to face this. She could do it on her own.

"What kind of a man do you believe me to be?" he asked as he turned to her with greater sadness in his eyes than she had ever seen before.

In fact, there was so much wretchedness in his eyes that it hurt her heart. And there was anger too and disappointment. But there was also love there.

A ghost of a smile appeared on his lips as a tear splashed on to his cheek.

"No, you are not going to lose me."

She felt a lump in her throat develop.

When she had found out she was pregnant she hadn't cried.

And when she had been trying to figure out what she wanted to do she had not shed a single tear.

But for some reason now she did.

She wasn't sure if it was because she knew he was there. Or maybe it was the fact she knew that they had a long road ahead of them. There was going to be so much doubt along the way. She was going to carry this child – god willing – to term.

She was going to bring a life in to the world.

And she was going to let it go to another home. She was going to let her baby grow up calling another women mummy. That was the choice she was making.

Along the way she was going to question herself. And she knew she was going to doubt herself. Enormously so. She was going to wonder why she had not got rid, why she had not sort an easier freedom. She knew she might even look back at the night of the picnic and curse herself.

But maybe it was just the fact she knew she was not going through any of it alone.

Whichever one it was, she knew it was enough to cause anyone to burst into tears.

But there and then as they sat on a bench in the grounds of the abbey, young Elsie went quietly but quite entirely to pieces safely in the knowledge that one way or another Charles Carson was going to do his best to put her back together.

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 _The CTM crew will turn up soon, I promise!_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

 **Poplar, London.**

"You look lovely tonight, my dear."

Julienne Louise Newgarden came down the stairs to be greeted by her husband Charles.

Once more it was there anniversary – the sixth which the two of them had had and she was as glad she had married him now as the day when she had said I do.

She thought her husband handsome, knew him to be kind and good and besides everything else, he was her best friend.

And though she did not think she was particularly attractive, the look in his eye told her he was not lying.

He took her hand as she got to the bottom of them steps and pressed it to his mouth before pressing it to his heart.

"Ever the old romantic," she teased with a smile.

"Less of the old please!"

And with that the two of them made for the door.

On the whole, the two of them did not go in much for cliché. Charles thought his wife to be a beautiful original and so did not want anything which he gave to her to be anything less than the lady herself. Everything he did had to be worthy of her so that he was.

But that night he had had to settle for booking a nice meal for two, so that he was able to discuss with her what he truly wished too.

This was not a proposal he was making lightly and after the upset of the previous years, he knew it was somewhat sensitive. Still he was sure he had to speak his mind.

The cab ride into the west end went smoothly – there was some traffic on the road but not enough to make them late.

As soon as the two of them got into the car, they held hands. He could still remember holding hands after the two of them had left the church on their wedding day. He was fairly certain that the two of them had held hands whenever they had got into the back seat of a car ever since.

Their marriage had been one based on the most important things – love, trust and shared values and he cherished it even more because he knew she had chosen him with a free heart.

Having known each other five years before they had wed, he had seen her struggle with her conscience.

Not many people were lucky enough in their lives to find a vocation.

She nearly found hers in the church. Had he come and found her any latter then he knew he may have very well lost her to a habit.

He looked sideways at her and wondered if there were any moments when she regretted the choice she had made to marry him and not become a bride of Christ.

But she had not. She had become his bride, thank god. And she had kept her job - and she had made becoming the best nurse she could be her vocation. And he was so proud that he got to be her husband.

Julienne Louise was a wonderful woman. Charles was never likely to forget that fact.

"There was me thinking you were going to take me to see a film tonight. You can still surprise me, my love," she said with a big grin. He could only hope that that smile stayed when she heard of his second surprise.

X x x

Julienne knew she would be a liar if she did not say the idea of adopting a baby intrigued her.

Ever since she and her husband had married they had planned on starting a family. Her motherly instinct had always been strong. Not obvious in the way it was for some girls…. But there none the less and fighting for an out let.

When she and Charles had come together she had dreamt that one day soon the two of them would stop being couple and become a family.

For the first few months – perhaps even a year after they had got married, she had not worried about it too much. It had been early days and it had seemed to her as if she had all the time in the world.

But then it had turned to two years and she had been anxious – she had in fact been on the verge of going to a doctor to see if there was anything which was not as it should be within her.

She was, after all, a midwife. And she saw women who not only had babies but those who longed for them. They came to her and asked what they would do to speed the process up if there was anything.

And she told them all the same thing.

 _Give it time – see a doctor if you are that worried, but give it time._

She had followed her own advice – and then just as she had begun to consider booking an appointment, she had fallen pregnant.

And it had been such a thrill to her – such a rush and a joy all at once.

God had given her a life to cherish and protect. She was going to get to see her child grow up and see her wonderful husband become a father and she was going to be a mother. Her own baby.

She had never known anything like it. She had become pregnant and as soon as she had done that, she had been able to see her child life's ahead of her.

All of it. She had known – thought – it was a girl. She did not know why.

But she had been able to see her blessed little face. She had imagined her little fingers.

She had seen her walk her first steps and knew what colour the ribbons were which she was going to wear in her hair.

She had seen the way she had run off to school on her first day without looking back, leaving her parents heart broken.

That had been the dream she had had before she had woken in the night bleeding heavily. Her daughter had waved her goodbye at least.

And then there had been no more pregnancies. Charles had said the two of them could go to the doctors but Julienne had not had the heart for it.

She knew she could not carry a child, did not need to be told that or to hear the actual words and she had no desire of false hope. She did not know how she knew, she just did.

She had had her one baby once and then she did not. It was as simple as that.

X x x

But as simple as it had been in her head, it was not what she wanted in her heart.

"I know we have spoken about it before – well, my darling. I am not getting any younger and if the two of us want to be parents I would like to – to put things in progress."

And she knew from the way he spoke about it he really did want to be a father still.

As he always had done.

"I do not know quite what to say right now," she admitted.

This felt as if it was there last chance saloon all of a sudden. He was right. If they were to be parents they had to make a go of it soon.

"Julienne – you would be such a wonderful mother. I see the way you are with the student midwives and the way they turn to you when they are in need of advice. For so long it has seemed to me as if you were a mother without a child."

She felt the tear pricks at her eyes.

Yes. She was a mother without a child and she had been ever since she had miscarried. She had mothered that baby and then she had lost it…

But if she had been given one and not even had the strength to see it in to the world, then how on earth did she deserve a living one?

"I know you are afraid of many things right now," she heard Charles say to her and met his eyes. It was as if he was able to see into her thoughts. "But I would be with you always, as long as you want me. And we would have one another."

She took in a deep breathe. "I know. I know I would have you always in this." She said as she took and squeezed his hands. "And you know how I have longed for a little one to call our own…"

He nodded. "Does the manner in which the stork brings our baby truly matter? As long as the three of us have one another and love one another, what more is there to being a family?"

For a long time she thought it had. She had been set on a child of their blood –

But being a midwife – especially these last few years… it had taught her so much she had not known she had had to learn.

Babies who were born to mothers who did not want them did not have to go on being parentless. And there was nothing worse for the health of young mother than to be forced to keep a child she did not want.

There would always be the resentment, the wondering what if…

They deserved so much more. And so did the babies. She honestly believed that the situation could be made so much better for the mother and child to go their separate ways, so they could both have the best chance in life.

"No," she said as she shut her eyes and remember the feeling of a new-born in her arms.

She had seen so much of life in her job. And she found when you saw life in such the way that she did the funny thing about it was that it demanded to be felt. You could not just see it and move on with your day.

The women and the babies she treated somehow worked their way in to her heart.

They became part of her memory, not just for the day but for a long time to come. They had made up the tapestry of her life.

They informed how she would greet another patient, treat her patients, make her smile and cry.

She had learnt very early on that being a midwife was not just another job. Charles, bless him, as an investment banker had often commented on how different there days were. And he was right. On some level the two of them were never going to relate to each other.

But this was one area where they did.

So. He was ready to put things in action for a possible adoption. To try and go seek their family a very different way to how they thought it was going to come into the world.

She felt her lips smile upwards.

She nodded. "Ok," maybe she had not spent a lot of time considering what he had said that evening but the truth was she had been considering it for a long time before this. This was not a new idea…

This was right for them – she knew it in her heart.

Somewhere out there, there was a baby – maybe it was not even born yet, maybe it was going to be conceived that very night. And it was going to be the baby of parents who for whatever reason felt they could not keep their baby.

And that baby was going to come to the two of them. They would love and cherish the child for as long as they lived.

"Are you sure? We do not have to – not if you're not ready."

"I am. It has been four years since we lost our child Charles. And I am going to miss what could have been every day –" she admitted as she kept her voice soft and steady determined that it would not crack and she would not cry in public.

She reached for his hand over the dinner table as she had done in the cab. "But the two of us do not have to live on what ifs."

She knew it was going to be a big change for them. All of a sudden she found herself thinking of the very practical problems they were going to come up against.

The house was big enough for two of them and a little one. But her mind raced ahead as she realised they really were going to have to tackle the small room.

And then there was going to be the issue of childcare… Charles was the one who made the most money and even though they were comfortable, they were going to need as much as they could coming in.

She loved to work but it would be no hardship to give it up for a while. When she had thought she was pregnant last time she had no qualms about giving up work for a while. If they succeeded this time then she saw no reason why it should be any different.

In fact just the thought of it was enough to make her heart burst.

The hope in her eyes shone.

"I want the two of us to live on what _is_."

And she wanted that 'what is' to be made up on was sleepless nights and dirty nappies and everything that she knew came with having a baby.

She wanted that for the two of them as much as she ever had.

And she wanted a new chapter in their lives. The next big challenge.

X x x

 **Six months later – London…**

Elsie smiled softly at Charles. It was so good to see him step down on to the train station. She was not sure she could quite put it into words. It felt as if she had been waiting for this for a long time. As his face came into view, the aching loneliness which she had been upon her of late seemed to go away.

In the weeks after she had told him she was pregnant, the two of them had put their heads together and tried to figure out what the best thing to do was. To come up with some kind of plan.

Charles was especially concerned to look after Elsie and to defend her reputation. When all of this was over, he did not want her to suffer any further consequences. Not in their tiny little village where so many people were in and out of each other's business. She did not need that.

What she was going to need was just to be able to get on with her life as if none of this had ever happened. That was what she wanted.

As for Elsie, she too want to try and conceal this pregnancy as much as she could from general knowledge. At the end of the day, no one else needed or had a right to know but the two of them. Once she had given birth to the child, life could go on as it had done…. But only if no one knew.

And so they had really had only one choice and all they could see to do was to get Elsie away and out of Downton for a while.

Thus the plan was born. Elsie was to go to London as soon as she begun to show. Though she had worked primarily as a maid which she had been at the abbey, she had done touch typing in the evenings. She could get a job at a typing pool. He'd send a chuck of his pay check down to cover the rest of her living costs and when it was all done she could come a back with a clean slate and together they would start again…. Or at least they would pick up the pieces…

The only other person at the abbey who knew about the baby was Beryl Patmore.

Elsie would have kept it from her too but she was her best friend and it would feel like a lie – an even bigger lie – to keep it from her. And she needed a true friend right then. Charles could be there for a lot but as a man there were things he was just not going to get.

Elsie had not known how she was going to react to the news that she was expecting but she did not think Beryl was going to turn her away as some might have done and her faith in her was rewarded. That was not to say she was not surprised. She was, as Elsie had known she was going to be. But the two of them went way back and there was no rejection. Just the promise she would do all she could to help get her through this.

Between the three of them, Elsie knew they could manage this. Together they would handle it.

She had called Charles to come down before the due date. Beryl need not take so much time off and would come down right on top of it and pray the little one was not early.

But she was glad she and Charles were getting some time of their own before Beryl arrived.

"It is so good to see you, my darling," Charles said as he put dropped his bag and put his arms around her.

She still smelt the same as she had when she had been up in Yorkshire with him all the time.

However, there were differences. Every time he had been down he had been able to see that her bump had got a little bigger and this time was no exception. The baby was growing.

The baby – for he tried to remind himself that no matter what the baby was, it would never be his son or daughter – had grown even bigger. And it filled his heart with joy that the little one was growing strong all the time.

It had been hard on them to be so far apart right then. It was a tenuous time for them both. They were anxious, scared, on edge and preparing for broken hearts because of the condition which Elsie was in. Charles knew he was needed by her more than ever. She was not saying too much but he knew quite asides from the emotional side of things there was also the physical strain she was under.

Still he was here and would try taking what of the strain he could for her.

She went straight in to his arms, placing a kiss against his lips as she did so.

"It is good to see you too," she replied blinking a little.

It truly was.

Elsie reminded herself it was not that she was not able to cope without him, but it was just so much easier to cope when she did have him.

He would help keep her steady and help keep her spirits up and cherish her when she needed to be.

She buried her face in his warm neck, breathed deeply and somewhere inside her something settled. His presence in her life could not solve anything. But it made a lot easier.

 _Please review…_

PS. I shamelessly stole the 'mother without a child' line from Friends. It was just too beautiful and too perfect not to use…


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Four months after they had decided they were going to adopt, Charles and Julienne got the call to say there was going to be a baby up for adoption in the next three months and due to their application for adoption going so well (the Newgardens were apparently model parent material), the council had decided to place the baby with them.

Delight was not the word. There was no word for what they felt.

They laughed and cried and kissed and once more, Charles took his wife up the west end for dinner. After all, it was not going to be long now until they had a new-born and they would be dining out considerably less then. You couldn't take a little baby to these places…

X X X

"So is – I mean to say, are the arrangements for the birth all in order?"

Months of living on her own had turned Elsie into quite a cook which was a new skill for her. It was never that she had been incapable – it was only that she had never need to cook for herself before.

So for Charles' first night with her in London she had insisted on cooking him a nice meal even as he had insisted she should be putting her feet up.

Elsie had won the argument as she invariably did.

During dinner, they had shared what gossip they had. Elsie had to say she was surprised by how much she had missed being at that place that Charles Carson was so proud to call his home. On the day she had got on the train to pull away from the life she had got so used to she would have sworn she would not miss it. But she did. She missed the people that she worked with and those she had become accustom to sharing her life with. She missed the routine she had got into day to day. She missed the laughter which filled the halls. God forbid she ever say it out loud but part of her missed the family.

There was however only so much time that the two of them could fill with discussing pleasantries before they had to acknowledge the reason they were there.

She gave a stiff nod.

"I have got myself booked in with the maternity hospital. Got myself a ring." She would go in as Mrs Hughes.

They would all know it was a lie. The nurses who had taken care of her through her pregnancy all knew. But they had been as kind as they could be about it all. And she did not feel as judged as she might have done if he had stayed in Yorkshire.

As she was sure she would have been.

"It is not too late for me to go… and get you a real ring." He said softly, not wanting her to feel as if she was without options.

The smile on her face was no more than a ghost.

"I would you know." She nodded. "And it is a big part of the reason I love you as much as I do. But over the last six months over and over again, I have asked myself if we got married and kept the little one would it work… but I don't think it would not be fair on ourselves… on any of us."

His salary may- and that was a big may – be enough to support all three of them but Elsie was well aware the real question when it came down to it was would it be? And if it was then by how many more hours working? Would she and the child see him if they did stay together? The same questions went round and round in her head…

And she would have to stay home. There was no way she was going to be able to work and bring up the baby at the very moment they needed her wage the most.

It would be a case of one or the other.

And she so wanted a chance to continue working.

A father who was not often to be home and exhausted when he was.

Money worries.

And a mother who resented having given up her own chances.

It was not a receipt for family bliss.

"But no. If the truth is known you are not ready for a wife either."

It was a fact he was not quite ready to square with even if he knew it was the truth.

"We have to give the baby up so that she or he can have the very best start that they can. Anything else is unfair. And then the two of us can go back to our own life."

She had been asked by the nurses if she would go to a home with the baby for a while to feed the child herself.

But she did not think she would. Elsie did not think she wanted to go even that far.

Charles swallowed. He wished he done enough to prove himself – but it was clear. Deep down, he felt he had not.

"Its not that I don't love you."

That at least he did understand. He reached over the table and took her hand. They shared a sad smile and continued to eat.

X x x

Evangelina Buckle was not a women to mince her words.

"When are you going to go back to work you work shy buggar?"

It was not the harshest languages which Julienne Newgarden had ever heard on going into the Buckle household.

"My back is just about right, my little dumpling," Fred said as he got up off to the sofa. "I shall return to my employment as soon as I can!"

"It better be tomorrow."

The tough nurse loved her lout though she had to admit some days she had cause wonder why.

And with that she led her friend through to the kitchen.

"So how are you?" Evangelina asked. She had got a call from Julienne with her happy news already so she did not have to ask really. Still, it was obvious to her she needed and wanted to talk about it…

"How you would expect me to be I think. I am nervous, excited…. Anxious and desperately thrilled… utterly terrified."

Sister Evangelina smiled. "Yes – I would expect you to be all of that."

The two women smiled at one another. Having trained at the same midwife college, their history want way back.

And now it turned out they were going to share another key moment in one of their lives as Evangelina was involved in this case in more than one ways, seeing as she was Elsie Hughes' midwife, a fact she had shared with Julienne. Maybe she should not have told her but she had felt she had too. The fact she was going to be the one who brought her friend's baby in to the world… that was a lot of responsibility on her shoulders.

"What is she like? The girl…"

Evangelina knew she had to defend Elsie's privacy. And if this was anyone else then she would not say as much as she was going to.

But it was not as if she was going to give her friend her name.

"She is eighteen. And all you really need to know is she is not ready to be a mother. She doesn't want to keep the baby for herself." -

"I cannot imagine what she is going through."

Neither could Evangelina. She had never had a child of her own – just like Julienne the only child of her heart was one which she and Fred had adopted. It had not been easy. But then the situation of the two families were very different. Chummy had come to her and Fred as a teenager when the emotional damage caused by Chummy's first mother had already essentially been done.

Elsie's little one would be placed in Julienne's arms with her innocence in tack.

As a midwife this was not the first time which Evangelina had seen a child given up by itself mother. After all she worked in Poplar. Still the East End was suffering from the end of the world war. There was so much regeneration going on that they were bound to feel the effect yet for years to come.

The pill was available but information and education was thin on the ground…And as long as that was the case there was going to be mothers who felt they were not in the positon where they could have their babies and keep them. There were going to be a mothers who had children and were not able to clothes them. Or feed them or keep them safe.

But the one she was dealing with then was the one she had to take as her case in point.

Elsie was a strange girl – she had thought it was at first just because she was northern and there was a long, rich history of people from the north and the south of England not quite understanding one another. Especially when you through in Londoners to the mix.

But nine times out of ten when you saw a mother who was going to give up a child you saw them take two reactions. They cherished the time which they had with the baby while it was inside of them – or they talked about it as if the baby was nothing at all.

Instead Elsie had seemed to walk the fine line.

She had been terribly practical about everything as much as she could be, making sure that when the baby was born it was going to come into a safe environment and that there were going to be no botched attempts at birth.

She had eaten and drunk the rights things – she had cared for her child as much as she could.

But even with mothers who were going to give up the babies in side them, she knew normally caught them stroking there bump, looking down at it with some kind of emotion.

Elsie was not giving them to herself.

Evangelina could see why she night not wish to bond with the baby.

She understood it entirely. It would hurt so much more when she came to give the little one up.

But these were the little moments she had to see her through the rest of it when she was mourning the loss of her child, which she would. Not all mothers thought they would but in the experience of the nurse, even a mother would willingly gave up her child grieved for it someway in the end.

But every one dealt with things differently and she was not one to judge.

She never had been.

She only hoped the girl was not storing up trouble for herself in the future.

"On my dear we cannot. And I think we should count ourselves very lucky for that."

When Elsie got back that even she told Charles all about the conversation she had had with Evangelina.

The fate of their child's birth mother was one which lay heavy on their hearts.

The two of them had known what it was to lose a child, after all. True they had never given one up but at the end of everything Julienne wondered if it was all that different.

To have a child and then not be able to raise it had to hurt however that situation came about.

The Newgarden's went to sleep that night in one another's arms, worried and a little sad but at the end of it all, delighted. It felt a long time since they had been told that there was a baby who was coming into the world and would be their daughter or son.

It had given them time to get what they could in. A pram. A bassinet. Some clothes.

But there was another set of parents to be out there faced with a very different reality.

X x x

Charles knew Elsie was not yet asleep even though they had gone to bed an hour before hand. Both of them were simply lying there thinking.

Any day now and all of this was all going to be over.

They could go home.

But Charles was not sure he wanted that.

He loved and respected Elsie. Maybe if he had done so a little more than the two of them would not be in this situation but they were. And he reminded himself, not that it made it much better, that they were here because they had wanted to show one another how much they loved each other. And he was going to do all that he could to back her up, whether it was his decision or not. To allow the two of them to deal with this in the way that she wished.

But there was something deep and protective and paternal in his heart which said this was not what he wanted.

It was not his choice.

If he had his way then the two of them would be dealing with this in a different manner. They would have had to leave the Abbey but they would have gone together. They would have married and he would have got a different job.

He had always wanted to go into service. He wasn't sure why as people laughed at him when he said he did. But he thought there was a quiet dignity in serving others. And when he thought of his grandfather and the way he had taken such pride in his job, he knew that was what he wanted.

But he would give it all up he thought if he was able to be a father to the little one who he knew was wriggling around inside the women he loved right now.

He was glad – so glad that Elsie had been so sensible about all this. That she had not risked her own life as well as that of their baby.

But he could not help feeling a little sad as well that soon the little one would be so far from them.

And if the truth was known he was very sad.

The thought of the two of them giving up their baby broke his heart.

His mind turned as it often had done of late to the adoptive parents. The ones who were going to get to bring up his child.

What were they like? What were their names? Did they had any other children? Were they going to keep her or him safe and warmed and loved?

If they were going to bring her or him up the answer would in his eyes have to be yes.

And he would make sure – if he ever found out they did not – that they would pay.

Somewhere in his thoughts he became intensely aware of a breathing in and out. In and out. He thought the sound was almost baby soft but it was coming from the women he loved.

Elsie had apparently found some peace in dreams. He could only hope she would remain that way for a while.

Taking the opportunity while he still had it, he reached over and touched the bump. Elsie did not stir.

The baby however did. He felt his little one kick. The two of them had made a conscious effort through the pregnancy to get too attached but he thought he could steal that moment, with a smile for the two of them. Father and child.

"You – you're going to wake mum. Go to sleep," he said in a way that he hoped was soothing.

He hoped too that there was some tiny little part of the baby – some memory which would not be remembered but would stay locked away in it as heart of the voice of its real dad.

"I love you little one."

He did. Down to his marrow he loved this child. And wished nothing more than the right time for them was then and there and not how it actually was.

X x x

Julienne sighed and bit her lip.

It was only then that she begun to feel the weight of the extreme responsibility which they were taking on. They were going to give a home to another man and women's child who had been brave enough to accept the fact they were not able to give their baby a home.

Yes she was a nurse and a midwife. She had spent so many years delivering babies and taking care of them when they were sick but that did not mean she knew how to be a mother.

She had never done that. That was a very new area.

And it struck her just then as she looked into the immaculate crib she had set up for the new born she might be any good at this at all.

She tried to imagining the baby was in there and all of a sudden it scared her.

What the two of them were doing terrified her.

She looked up at the door to see Charles was there.

"It is all becoming a little real now, isn't it?" he asked as he crossed to the other side of the crib. It was almost as if he could read her thoughts but… butte could image the two of them in here in nights to come.

No doubt to begin with until they got to the point of no return of tiredness, they were going to come in here just to look at her or him.

"It is beginning to get very real," she admitted.

"To think the child we are going to call our own could come into the world at this very minute." That was quite a thought…. It blew her away. "What if we have got this all wrong? What if the two of us are not meant to be parents and we are forcing this when we shouldn't be?" she asked.

Charles looked at her with such extreme tenderness in that moment that it stripped back every wall she was trying to put up.

"Is that what your heart is telling you?"

She shook her head. No, it was the last thing that her heart was telling her.

"Because if it is then it is telling you wrong. It should be telling you this is nothing more than nerves," he said as he reached out for her hand. "It should be saying you are the kindest of women. That you were born to be a mother. And we are going to give our baby the very best life we can."

She nodded. "It is all any parent can hope to do." She agreed. "I am going to love her with all my heart."

"So you think it is going to be a girl?" he asked.

She shook her head with a smile. "Just a feeling," she murmured looking down at the crib once more.

And when she was not the one who was even so much as carrying the child then she knew it was madness to think like that. She couldn't possibly know. But there was something in her that said she was going to be mother to a baby girl and try as she might ignore that she couldn't. It was just like before.

Her husband crossed round the crib and out his arms about her.

There did not seem to be a lot of need for words.

X x x

Beryl had never been sure if she wanted to have kids but as she watched Elsie give birth she felt the answer was shifting more and more towards a no.

With incredible timing the labour itself had not begun until 11 o'clock the morning after she had arrived. While she had had a good night's sleep and was ready to be the support her friend needed, she was not sure if she could say the same for Elsie.

Whether she was ready or not though, the child was coming.

But now that she was able to see Elsie covered in sweat, she was sure she did not want to have a child of her own.

This hurt - that was for sure.

For a moment, she cursed Charles Carson. He was the one who had got her friend into this mess and now all he could do was to sit outside and huff while the women did the real work.

But such as was the way of life she found too often.

As for Elsie through the pain and the trauma she seemed to be coping as well as any first time mother could.

"That's a girl!" Evangelina soothed from the end of the bed. "You are doing so well and it does seem as if this little one is eager to get out in the the world, keep doing what you're doing!

Elsie did not say anything but bit down.

It was not as if she could very well go shopping or doing the laundry she thought sarcastically. Of course she was going to keep doing what she was doing.

It was nearly over. All of it. She thought back to the moment she had found out she was pregnant. From that moment to this the only thought she had really been able to have was of her and Charles and the baby and what they were going to do.

When they got back to Downton it was going to be different.

Not that she was ever much one for frivolity, she could think about clothes and hair styles again. About nights out. Things she had not been allowed to have for the past few months.

She shut her eyes and tried to decide if that was a good or a bad thing.

She could hear that the women around her were telling her still how well she was doing and how close she was and how she just had to keep doing. Keep going. Keep going.

It was the mantra in her head that was going to get her through she thought to herself, if she was able to think at all at this point.

She just had to keep going.

She had never felt anything like it – not the pain, nor the pressure.

Not at last the relief. For one moment only there was the most blissful silence and she had not realized how much she had wanted everyone to be quiet and let her think…

But then there was another sound in the room. It was not so much more than a mewing of a kitten. It was that first sounds you made when you came to earth and announced your arrival.

That was the sound her baby was making right then.

"Oh god, she is here. Is she ok?" she asked. She hadn't been able to hear anything else since that tiny cry.

"Of course she is, I brought her in to the world, didn't I? But how did you know it as a girl?!" Evangelina asled as tears begun to pour down Beryl's face.

Elsie had it on the tip of her tongue that she had been the one to bring the baby in to the world but she did not think she had the energy to argue the toss of it right then.

She reached out her arms.

For this moment – if only this moment – she was going to do what came naturally. She would forget to constrain her natural reactions… For just these few moments. She was hers. The baby girl in her arms was completely hers.

God she had had thought about how she was going to act so many times when the child had come into the world. She had planned to give it straight to the midwife to be taken to its real mummy and daddy because she knew it was going to hurt so much more if she looked it to those beautiful little eyes.

And she knew she was right, it was going to hurt now that she had felt the weight of her in her arms and seen that her eyes were going to be just like Charles' as she grew big.

But she did not think she was ever going to regret taking this moment.

"Elsie, shall I get Charles?" Beryl asked and she nodded without taking her eyes off her child.

She did not think she had ever seen anything so tiny, nor anything so perfect.

The size of her fingers and finger nails outstanded her.

All in all she was the most precious thing that she had ever held in her life and she was struck by the strange thought of what had just occurred.

This perfection had come out of her. She had been born out of her and Charles' love. This perfection which they had treated like a dirty little secret.

Her whole head fit in her mothers had and she leant down to kiss her forehead.

"Oh you are the most beautiful girl," she said as tears begun to fall on to the baby's forehead. "Charles, don't you think she is beautiful?" she asked. She did not look up to see if he was there but rather felt he was. "Don't you think she is absolutely perfect?"

She did not want to waste a minute by taking her eyes off of her baby.

She couldn't do that.

"Yes – yes, I think she is beautiful. She is just like you. Oh well done Elsie," he praised as he perched by her side and kissed her on the forehead. "You wonderful, wonderful women."

And then he too look at his new born child, quite transfixed, intent on taking every moment which the three of them had together and turning it in to an entire life time.

 _Please review!_


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Evangelina felt a lump in her throat and she was not surprised by the fact.

Every birth was emotional – even after twenty years of bringing new life into the world she found joy in her work – a joy that never dulled.

She worked in the poorest part of London and more than once she had been asked how she could possibly believe in god after all she had seen. But when she saw moments like this, how could she possibly not?

And this was the daughter of her best friend she had brought into the world she reminded herself. This was the child which Charles and Julienne had been waiting for.

But not on my life if this is not what Elsie wants, a voice in her head growled.

She was always surprised by the pull she felt towards the mothers in the moments after the birth. When she knew she would do whatever she had to in order to keep the mother and the child safe from harm and together.

Then, she wasn't really surprised to feel she would argue for Elsie keeping the baby if it came to it, if that was what she wanted.

But it did feel as if it was an odd kind of betrayal.

Still. This little girl for now was in the arms of her parents. Thus she would stay if they chose.

She wondered how best to facilitate that.

"Elsie, why don't you try and feed the little one?"

The baby was beginning to squirm – no doubt she was hungry.

The new mother had been tracing her daughters fingers with her own while her 'husband' had simply smiled down her as he held on to his 'wife' and child, his hands trembling as he did so. And as soon as Evangelina had said those words she felt as if she had made the most horrible mistake.

It was as if she had broken the trace the new little family had been in.

"No," Elsie said very firmly.

That was not what she wanted. That had never been part of the plan.

She looked at Charles and saw his face fall as he too came out of the moment.

"Elsie let's take a moment darling. Now she is here –"

"She has to go to her parents."

It was lovely to have this moment with her when she settled but it was not going to be long until the reality hit for all of them and the reality was that – that she had had a baby but she was not a mother.

"Nurse will you take her?" Elsie asked in a fairly small voice.

She supposed there were plenty of people who thought she was being cold.

The truth was the opposite. She wanted this child to have everything. Everything she was never going to be able to give to her.

Evangelina came close.

"One moment," she said as she looked at Charles. "Our decision is made. But is there anything- I mean. Not yet." Elsie changed her mind as she shifted in the bed and felt the nurse take a step back.

"You haven't held her yet."

Charles shook his head. He hadn't. And for a moment he had feared he was not going to get the chance to hold her but he should have known Elsie a bit better than that.

"Do you wanted too?"

"Very much."

The transfer was a little shaky. Neither of them were used to handling littles one but before long the little girl was in her father arms. And Charles felt everything within in him melt just because of how right it felt to have his little one there. Right there next to his heart.

Fatherhood was not something which he had dreamt of when he had been a lad. He had a feeling that some lads and lasses just knew from the off that in some way they were meant to be parents but that had not been him.

But now it was.

He was a dad.

"Dashing away with the smoothing iron, she stole my heart away." He could recall being a young lad and hearing his grandfather sing that to his grandmother. She would get so embarrassed and bat him off and tell him what a fool he was. Sometimes he would laugh and settle down a bit and others it would just make him sing lounder. He did not know why it had popped in to his head right then but it had.

And she had. His little daughter had stolen his heart away and she was going to keep it with her for as long as he lived.

He leant down and smelled her. He had heard once before that new-borns had a distinctive smell and they did. That was something else which he wished to commit to memory.

How was he ever going to give her up?

But to force Elsie into a life which she did not want – it would be the worst thing he could do now.

And so he knew it was going to cause him more pain than anything else he had ever done in his entire life, but he kissed the brow of his baby daughter and returned her gently to her mother. Even if he had wanted to he couldn't pass her to the nurse – that he was incapable of.

Then he turned from the bed and looked out the window where tears begun to pour down his face and Beryl came to his side, in the vain hope of being some comfort.

"I am going to carry you with me, for my whole life long little lamb. I love you." Elsie said as she rocked her daughter back and forth.

She wasn't going to do this. She wasn't going to get attached. But she hadn't been able to stop herself.

She looked at the love of her life. For he was always going to be the love of her life and the father of her child.

"Shelagh. Do you mind if we call the baby Shelagh?"

Charles let a tear slid down his check as he turned, trying to be strong for her. "I think that is the most beautiful name in the world."

The two of them shared a smile. No matter how far she was from the two of them, they were going to have this to remember.

"Nurse, I think I am ready to let her go now." Elsie said as she tried to keep her voice steady.

Never had she been so ready to give in and say the three of them might make a go of it together.

But that would not be the right thing to do. Their daughter was always going to be one of the loves of their live.

But she needed so much they were unable to give her.

"Elsie, normally mothers keep their children with them for six weeks."

"Nurse we have been through this. I can't – please don't make me. I need to get on with my life and she needs to get on with hers." She said as she looked up at Evangelina.

She knew what Evagelina wanted. For the two of them to stay at the home and for her to feed the baby.

"I have got a job and a life waiting for me back in Yorkshire. It is high time I got back to it."

If it was anyone else then Evangelina knew she would try and keep going. There were those who thought she was old fashioned but she had always believed that the mother milks was best for baby and if they could be feed from their mother then they should.

But Elsie had some steel to her. She had a feeling she was a match for her even and there were not many young girls she thought that of.

Instead she tried to think of the positive in this. Yes, Charles and Elsie were going to lose a daughter a little earlier than she thought they should be leaving her.

But Julienne and Charles were going to get there child that much sooner.

That was the joy of this case.

The baby was going to go to a very loving home.

She knew that for a fact.

There was going to be no doubt about that.

Charles and Elsie looked at one another for a moment and the two of them shared a nod.

The baby in the young women's arm gave a little howl as if she knew what was going to come next.

"I know you are not going to remember this darling girl, but your mother and I give you our blessings – for your whole life long." Said Charles as Elsie put her in the arms of the nurse.

But the main thing was those blessings were going to go with her whether she remembered it or not. And maybe they would keep her a little safer than she would have been otherwise.

X x x

After all the sadness she and the baby had already had to witness in the short life of the baby girl, Evangelina had to say she was thrilled to put her in the arms of her new mother.

She walked into the room where Charles and Julienne were waiting to see the two of them sitting together holding hands.

This was the biggest and best day of their lives.

She did not need to be told that to know it was true.

Julienne looked up at her with so much emotion in her eyes Evagelina was sure she was never going to be able to name it all. There was hope and there was a little sadness and there was fear and a steely resolve to be the best mother she could be.

And there was so much love it broke her heart.

Already this baby was so loved she thought and remembered the two heartbroken young parents who were getting ready to leave the maternity home if they had not done so already.

For they had been heartbroken at the loss of their daughter whether this was their choice or not.

"I have got someone who is very excited to meet you." She told Charles and Julienne.

The two of them were on their feet and coming towards her.

"This is…"Charles begun softly as he looked into the bundle or blankets.

"Your daughter."

They were the magic words the two of them had been waiting to hear for very long years.

 _Our own sweet girl._

They had thought she was going to come to them by another route but she had come in her own sweet time and when she was good and ready and not before.

Julienne was not sure why but she had a feeling already this dear girl of hers was going to march to the beat of her own drum already.

"Come here…" she said as Evangelina placed her in her arms.

"Is she ok? Was the birth an easy one?"

"It was. She had no problems – came out into the world well."

"And the mother? Was she ok?"

"She is perfectly healthy." That was the best that she was going to say for her. Physically she was going to be fine. But mentally this was going to take longer to get over than Evangelina thought she anticipated.

Julienne looked down on the little face and felt a rush of love.

She had feared as this child was not of her body she was not going to feel as a new mother should but when they got to see the face of her little one it all came.

She was sure she could not love her any more from the first moment.

"It is so good to see you at long last, our tiny girl," Charles murmured. As much as he was longing to give his little girl a cuddle there was no way he was going to rush this moment for his beloved Julienne Louise. She had waited too long for this. They both had. And now that it was here it just meant so much.

Her face was alight. He had dreamt of seeing her as a new mum, but she was even more beautiful in the role than he had thought she was going to be.

"She is so perfect and she is all ours."

Truly it was nothing short of a miracle.

"What are you going to call her?"

Julienne and Charles voices crossed mid-air.

"What name did her parents give her?" Julienne asked. Maybe they had shaped that part of her identity already.

"Bernadette." Julienne had often spoke of the song of Bernadette when they had been young and while Charles knew she was not going to admit to it… He wanted their child to have the name her mother wanted to give her.

Julienne smiled at him with love in her eyes before looking back at her friend.

"Did they give her a name?" she repeated the question.

With a nod Evie confirmed they had.

"Shelagh."

It was a very pretty name. Not one she would have thought of but it was going to be important to keep that link to the past she thought.

Charles thought so too. "Bernadette Shelagh Newgarden then."

She would carry her history with her… until she was ready to find it all over again.

X x x

Charles walked down the road to see that Elsie was standing by the River Thames.

She had been told she should stay in while she recovered from the birth of their daughter – it was only Tuesday and they weren't due to be going back to Yorkshire till the weekend.

He had made a joke about her being a lady of leisure on the way back to the flat which she had not laughed at.

He had found her missing not so long later and had thrown on his coat to find her. Spring was underway but in the evenings there was a chill in the air. He would not have her take cold now, not after everything she had already been through.

She looked as if she was lonely to her very core and he did not think he had ever seen her like that before. And if he had then he had always known what to say or to do to lift her spirits before…. then he knew this time he was powerless to do so.

"It was so much harder than I thought it was going to be." She said as he came close.

Relief flooded through him as she spoke to him. It was only as he came closer to her that he realised she had come here to be alone with her thoughts. But now maybe she did not wish to be.

"To give her up."

Since before she had told him they were going to bring as life into the world, she had been set on the idea that the two of them had to give her up and that that was the best thing for all of them.

She wondered how and when she had managed to desensitised the whole thing for herself for she did not think she was a cold person. She had never been cold.

Yet she had thought about giving over her baby so many times that it had become just a process.

But putting a life you had created – something that precious – was not like giving someone a cup of tea you had just made for them. It was not like giving them anything you had made…

It was something entirely different and it felt suddenly cruel.

"I know."

"Do you think who ever has her is going to love her as much as we do?"

He said nothing, trying to imagine so, hoping so but suddenly feeling stupidly jealous of anyone else who felt such a rush of paternal love for his daughter. Yet the hope they would was stronger. She would need parents who loved her…

"I know I have been the one who has been pushing the two of us to do this – if we find out in years to come that we have made an awful mistake and she has been placed with people who do not love her as much as they should do you think you could ever forgive me, Charles?"

The truth of the matter was on the tip of his tongue. She was right – she was the one who had wanted the adoption to go through much more than he had. He would have sought another road. And if they found out there little girl had been hurt when the two of them could have been keeping her safe, then he just was not sure if he was ever going to be able to see a way past that.

But that would be bucking the responsibility. He had not pushed his point of view on her as he already felt terribly guilty of what he had already put her through.

He had been the one who had got her pregnant after all.

He knew that if he did blame her for something which he had let happen without speaking out against it then he was going to be nothing short of a coward.

And he did not think he had ever been one of those…

"Yes. Yes, I could forgive you. This was _our_ choice. We let this happen. And whatever comes next then the two of us are going to deal with it together."

She looked as if the weight of the world which had been on her shoulders was lifted from her just a little bit.

That was a good feeling for him. Even if he had to carry a little more than he didn't mind that. it was worth the trade.

"Beryl is going to go back tomorrow. She thinks the two of us need a little time on our own to recover…"

"I agree," she said as her as her Scottish accent came out stronger, as it did whenever she truly agreed with something. "Oh Charles, how are the two of us ever going to be the same as what we were?" she asked as she looked up at him with hope in her eyes that he had as the answers.

And he wished more than anything that he did.

"I don't think we can ever be the same as who we were. I think we are going to be very, very different now."

Because they had her in their hearts they were going to be very different to the way they were before.

"But we will love each other just the same," he said as he kissed her forehead.

He reached out and brushed her cheeks. He was further relieved when she leant in to his touch for she looked so pale and so far from him that…

Well, he wasn't sure. But there was a closeness in that gesture that he had needed maybe more than she had.

"I know I was the one who suggested the two of us give her up… but I miss her so much… and she is gone and I miss her…"

"She won't be gone forever, my love," he said as he kissed her forehead and pulled her into his arms. And for the sake of his sanity, that had to be true…

 _Please review…_


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

 **28 years later…**

 **Downton, Yorkshire.**

There were two gates which lead into the handsome property which had once been the Dower House. It had stood on the edge of Downton Abbey since the time of Sir Christopher Wren and had served all of those who had lived within its walls faithfully.

It was a sturdy building.

But never before had it been home to a family of five.

Once the best drawing room in the house, the family living room was now devoid of the coolness and stiff interior which had once been its defining feature.

Now in place of the hard back covered seat which had been masquerading as a settee, there was a truly squishy sofa as well as arm chair in the room. It was covered with cushions and a blanket.

As well as a sofa and the arm chairs there was a coffee table in the middle of the room with a couple of half-drunk cups of tea.

There was a TV mag on the table which could tell the reader what was going to be on the television which stood in the corner of the room. Goodnight Sweetheart, Emmerdale, Eastenders…. Nothing out of the ordinary.

There were trainers on the floor and hoodies on the chairs.

It was a real family home.

And it was topped off by the fact the window seal was lined with photos. A baby boy who had just been brought home from the hospital. A young girl who had just been to a dance class. A young lad who was mucking out a stable. And all three of them at the seaside. All three of them together at a christening. All three of them together at Christmas.

A young couple who were newly in love. A more solid couple on holiday in the Highlands. An engagement photo. A wedding photo.

New parents.

Slightly older parents.

A couple who had been together for nearly 30 years. This was the scene which the young man walked in on.

He had not had a good day.

Not only had he had to watch the young woman who he loved fawn over a master chef wannabe but to top it all off, one of the horses in his charge at the stables was hurt. William Hughes had had much better days.

He sat down on the sofa and put his head in his hands with a deep sigh.

The one good thing was his sister Anna was out. If she was here then he knew she would be trying to fix all his problems and he was not sure they could be fixed. There was no quick fix that was or sure.

What he wanted was to wallow even though that was not like him. It was just as well his brother Thomas was out as well as he was in no mood what so ever to see or row with him.

All he wanted, the only person he wanted, was Daisy.

X x x

Charles sighed as he looked in on his son. William had been out of sorts for a while now but as he had learnt too well over the years since he had been a father, you could lead a horse to water but you really could not make it drink. His boy was going to talk about what was bothering him when he was good and ready and not before that time, so there was no point in mithering him.

That was not going to improve his mood.

"Where is your mother?" it was her beautiful face he wanted to see.

After he and Elsie had returned from London, which he had to admit felt like a life time ago itself now, it had soon be announced that Downton Abbey was to join the National Trust.

He had been a little upset – even then, though it had been nothing more than another stick on the camel's back (it certainly did not break it). He had been even sadder to see the family move into their smaller place, though as His Lordship had carried out baby Lady Mary – for the arrangements and the move had taken a fair amount of time to get organised - Charles had a feeling they were going to be just fine.

It seemed a long time since Charles Carson had been worried about whether the National Trust or the English Heritage were going to be the ones to take over Downton Abbey. For a while it had seemed as if it was the biggest problem in the world.

But then he had got to a point in his life where he had learnt the real meaning of the world problem…

They had stumbled through, talked about every decision and somehow made a success of things. Some members of the family and staff managed better tha n others – but that was simply life…

After all, Lady Cora was an American. She was good at adapting and as Elsie said, she might even pull Lord Robert in to the new century.

And at the end of the day they had the very most important thing.

They all had each other.

And so they were going to be fine just because of that he was sure.

You didn't need much more than your family.

When the two of them had got back to the abbey, Elsie had only been given her job back as she knew the ropes and was such a hard worker. It had been a tight run thing as the family hadn't looked to hire anyone else and for a scary moment it had looked like there was more chance of them letting people go than taking anyone new on.

Fate for whatever reason had smiled on them that day though. She had returned to work.

After the National Trust had taken over there was even better news.

While they obviously did not need staff in the same capacity that the family did, it was not as if they were going to be able to get the house up to standard for opening without people who knew plenty about the property.

They were learning everything on the job and were trying with the help of the staff and the family to do it as quickly as they could. So even when their jobs – as the originally knew them - as they knew them were gone, they stayed on.

The two of them changed roles – they were no longer a maid and a footman but consulates. A few of the other staff had decided the role was not for them but others, such as Beryl, stayed on too.

It was going to be nice easy money for a few months – however, what the three of them were expecting was for it to evolve to something else and for them to keep getting extended.

Not only did their staying when they could have gone look good to the Trust but it also looked good to the family who saw them as loyal – maybe in the case of Elsie a bit more than she actually was but that did not bother her.

So they became an unexpected bridge from the old regime to the new.

They could access all the keys to the old rooms when the Trust needed them too and they could also go over to the slightly smaller Downton Place and fill in the family on the good work which was going on in their former home to get it ready for the public. Robert and Cora met them at the Abbey as frequently well and overall, by the end of the project, Charles, Elsie and Beryl had done a very good job at making sure they were invaluable to the running of the place.

Charles, who had learnt and grown a lot and been more than willing to take one responsibly when he had needed to, was named house manager.

He could liaise with both family and the trust, knew when something was out of place in the abbey by radar and was more than excited for a chance to stay put.

Beryl was to stay on as cook for the café and gift shop.

Elsie had been offered a slightly different role and if the experience and the money had not been as good as they were then she did not think she would have taken it.

Social secretary to Lady Cora.

While she would have preferred to be with the abbey staff more than the house, she comforted herself that she was no one's maid anymore and she was not ever going to be again – not a ladies maid and certainly not a house maid.

And pleasantly, she found that her job crossed over to working at the abbey fairly regularly.

In spite of the fact the Crawley's were no longer living at Downton Abbey – that there residence and indeed their ownership of the property was at its end, they still used the grand old house for benefits and charity events, for business meetings when the occasions arose. They would not sleep there but they would use the down stairs rooms, if arranged properly in advance with the Trust.

Thus she was often popping over.

If it was the early twentieth century then Elsie wondered if Lady Cora would have been content to be just a lady of leisure and sit around in tea dresses all day and in her early marriage, she had indeed stayed home with the children, as many women did. Though that was hardly the same thing. There was no relaxing with three young girls about…

But as the late eighties and the early nineties had arrived, it seemed that once again she had arrived at a point where she was ready to start afresh. The kids growing up had been a new dawn for her.

She did not want to sit at home and get Robert Crawley's dinner ready for him while he went up and down to London to sit on whatever board her was part of this time and so she had begun looking for something to do.

And while she had been looking about the home she had raised her three lovely girls in, she had begun to hear all the comments she had got on the place over the years ringing back in her mind.

You have such a lovely home!

I do not know how you keep this place so tidy when you have kids!

When you are done here you could not come and do my place could you?

She had heard all of this and she had made a decision. Yes. Going and doing other people places is just what she would do.

So Crawley Designs had been born.

It had not changed Elsie's job that much on a day to day level, except meaning she had the run of the place to herself a bit more.

Cora had wanted to set her business up properly and so she had gone back to university to do a course on art and design.

It had been a lesson in time management for Cora and Elsie ultimately.

When Lady Grantham had been at home, it had been so easy for Elsie to always find her to ask her what she was doing on this night and if she wanted to go to this benefit. Then she would ask Baxter who worked in the house to cover all the cleaning and took especial care of Cora to make sure that she was dressed and had something appropriate for whatever she was putting into the diary.

But then there was the invention of the mobile phone and that made things easier.

Life was ticking along. Years passed.

The company was set up, the Crawley and the Hughes children grew up.

And what had been lost all those years ago was still not forgotten.

X x x

"Where is your mother?"

"She is in the bath," his son said without looking up at his father.

Charles scratched his head and wished his wife or Anna were down stairs before he was forced to trust his own judgement and before it came to that, he headed upstairs.

He knocked on the door.

"Darling?"

"It's me."

Knowing that Anna and Thomas were out and that William was not going to be heading up stairs or apparently moving from the couch any time soon, Charles slipped in the bathroom.

"Hello you!" said Elsie softly as she looked up at him from where she was laying in the tub.

He smiled on sight on her.

It did not seem very long since the two of them had been those teenagers who had gone on that fateful picnic but the truth was he was just as in love with her then as he ever had been.

They had grown together. First the two of them had just worked together. And then they had become friends. Then they had becomes lovers and parents before they were married.

Then they had become parents all over again and this time to children they felt they were in a position to keep.

Indeed by the time Thomas had come along, they had been installed in a little cottage and they had been able to enjoy the pregnancy.

It had been very different to how it had been with baby Shelagh.

He sent his blessings to her, where ever she was as he always did when he thought of his lost daughter.

He leant down and kissed her.

"Hello yourself, Mrs Carson," he murmured lowly through their kisses.

He could almost hear how revolted the children would be if they could hear the two of them then, but no matter.

If any one of them ever said anything of the sort, he was the first to remind them how many marriages did not work and how all three of them should be grateful that theirs did.

He knew how grateful he was that their marriage was working and always would be.

She giggled. "Have you come to do my back?""

The offer was too tempting to refuse.

He removed his suit jacket all the while not taking his eyes off of her for a moment.

She was so beautiful. The older she became the more beautiful she was.

He knelt by her side and picked up the flannel, soaked it in the warm bubbly water before applying it to her back.

His smile got bigger as she sighed with pleasure.

He kissed the soft warm skin on her shoulder.

"So how was your day?" he asked.

"Busy," she said as if this was anything out of the ordinary which he knew it was not. "All three girls are going to be home this weekend so her ladyship, Phyllis and I each took a bed to make up. Then I had to arrange overnight stay in New York for his and her ladyship to attend her brothers 60th birthday party next month and then – well, their own wedding anniversary is not far away "

"30 years," he murmured. Thirty years since Lady Cora had first to come to England and Lord Robert Crawley had feel at her feet.

He had to say he admired them both for sticking it out- marriage was no easy thing and they had not had the easiest of rides.

First of all they had had to put up with Lady Violet's general disapproval.

Then there had been the wedding and the culture clash. God know it had been hard for Elsie and Charles and they were both from the same side of the Atlantic, though their English and Scottish were perhaps reason enough for them to clash at times.

For an American and a Brit, Elsie thought that had to be even harder.

There had been the business of getting to know each other.

And then they had begun having their three girls which was no easy task on its own. Charles and Elsie's three had been slightly younger but of a similar age as the Crawley girls and Elsie had thanked her lucky stars that she had two boys as well as a girl. Not that she'd have minded another girl – but it seemed to her that especially as Lady Edith and Lady Mary grew up that there was more hormones in the big house than their poor mother knew what to with at times.

Thomas and William could fight and lord knows the two of them had both had their moments with Anna over the years.

But it was not the relentlessly struggle which the Crawleys seemed to have had with Lady Mary and Lady Edith.

That was never ending.

As well as raising the three girls there had been the fact that Lord Robert had wanted to go and work – well, visit the charities he was a patron of and be an all-round general philanthropist, whether they had the money for him to be one or not. Elsie made no criticism of him for the good work he did but it had been hard on Cora when she had needed him home and he had insisted on going out instead of helping with his very wilful daughters.

Then there was the scandal.

Her name had been Jane.

Lady Mary was fifteen, Lady Edith very nearly thirteen and Lady Sybil had been just nine years old when their father had betrayed there mother in such a fashion that Charles Carson had seriously believed that their lives was going to change for ever. Seeing how the two of them had known the girls since they were young, they could not have been sadder for them, Elsie thought as she remembered how grim Charles had been in that period, unable to believe what had happened to _their_ family as he was still like to call them.

For herself Elsie had tried to do all she was able to ease Lady Cora's pain but she knew there was not a lot which she could do. Thank god Charles was who he was and she had never had to worry about any of that nonsense and nor would she.

She did not think she would cope as well as Cora did if she had too.

She had conducted herself with grace and poise when she had been in public.

In private she was sure she had had her moments – especially as the press had got hold of it – but against the odds they stayed together.

And so they had got to the point where they were able to say they had been wed for thirty years.

And all in all, Elsie thought yes – that was something worth celebrating. Especially when she remembered she too was going to celebrate the same anniversary in not too long.

"What do they want to do for it?"

"I think for one night only they want to take back over the old house. Properly. Have the rooms back, but on a real scale, have people stay over."

"Are the Trust going to allow that?"

Elsie shrugged. She really was not sure. The fact that they had always had a good relationship with the Crawley's might go some ways to getting the two of them what they wanted but whether it was going to go the full way she was not sure.

"Whatever happens, I think a lot of my time from now on is going to be setting this up. They want it to be a night to remember."

"With you at the helm my dear, how could it be anything else?" he asked as he leant in for a kiss.

He was greeted most lovingly.

"And how was your day?"

"The usual. I saw some kids reaching over the ropes you know though – it really is shocking the way some parents will let their kids get away with anything,.. Even in an environment like the abbey!"

"You have to remember that ours were brought up going in and out of a place like that all their lives. Some of the wee ones just get over stimulated."

But it was clear from the look she got from her husband that in his eyes that was no excuse.

It was best for the two of them to move on.

"Do you know where Anna and Thomas are? I saw William on the way up. He looks as if he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.

The two of them shared a pointed look.

They loved all four of their children deeply, whether they were with them or not and whether they had raised them or not.

But William was there youngest – so he had a special place in their heart. But then did Thomas as he was their oldest boy. Shelagh, of course, had been there first born and the one the two of them worried about the most as they had no idea as to where she was. And then Anna had been the first girl they had been able to keep – their baby girl.

All of them had their special place. But William was the one who was in trouble now.

"He does. He is upset over Daisy."

Why she had stolen the heart of his son Charles had to admit he was a loss to know. Maybe it was cruel but he did not see what his son thought so special about the girl when she could not see for sure what was so special about his kind hearted and gentle son.

"If she had half a brain then she would see he might just be the best thing that is ever going to happen to her."

"Said the protective father."

"Of course."

"Darling, you are not meant to know what is good for you when you are their age. You are meant to experiment and as much as I hate it, you are meant to get hurt once or twice. I wish we could save him from this but we cannot wrap up any of the kids in cotton wool for their entire lives."

It struck him just then that they could wrap up some of their kids more than others. His heart ached a little more than usual for the daughter the two of them had given up that day and he was not sure why.

He cleared his throat.

"And Anna?"

"She has gone to spend the evening with John," revealed Elsie knowing that was going to please her husband as much as William sting down stairs on the sofa with a face like a smacked arse…

So the women who their son loved did not want him. On the other end of the scale, the man who their daughter loved finally felt the two of them could be together and be happy… and her husband was still not content. She did not know if she disagreed so much. After all, if she had had to pick someone for Anna then she did not think she would pick a divorcee who was rapidly heading towards middle age.

But the heart wanted what the heart wanted and it was there job as parents to be a little frustrated by the kid's choices.

"If it is not going to work then it is all going to come out in the wash in the end," she reassured him.

"He should be with someone his own age. Let Anna find someone young and good and strong."

"But they want to be with each other."

He made a noise which told her what he thought of that as he washed her back, trying to keep his cool about the situation. He had made it clear to Anna what he thought. He hoped her heart would not be broken but at that point, all he could do was be there to pick up the pieces if she needed him to.

"Thomas and Jimmy are out as well."

That didn't make Charles smile either. Jimmy was smarmy... Charles would rather things with young Edward had worked out for Thomas. That boy had been from a higher social class than them, that was true and he knew that might cause a bit of awkwardness from time to time but he could also see how much Edward had cared for Thomas and vice versa.

Whereas Jimmy – well, he was not too sure that _he_ cared for him at all.

"If only we were back in time then you might pick the kids partners for them."

She knew that was the only way he was ever going to be happy. If he had handpicked them so he was sure they were good enough for his babies.

She smiled, leant forward and gave him a kiss to sweeten the pill of having grown kids who knew their own minds.

"Well I think I am very good at picking life partners."

In the end she had to agree with that statement. It was with another smile on her lip that she received his on to hers.

"Now I am wishing there was room for two us in this tub." He murmured, knowing perhaps that the very early evening was maybe not the best time for him to get amorous about her but not really being able to help himself.

"And whys that?"

The answer made her laugh out loud when he whispered it in her ear.

"Tonight," she murmured with a promise in reply as he got on with the business of washing her. "I would say right now but we have a very sad lad who needs his dinner cooked for him."

She was well aware she might have to force it down his throat to get him to eat it but she was William's mother and she was sure she still knew what was best for him every now and again.

He nodded as he rewetted the flannel and came round to the front, brushing her skin with his other hand as he did so. She looked up at him lovingly and soon she was to wish she had not for she saw the moment his face changed.

Ii was a memory which lived in her memory long after everything else about that day had been forgetting.

She placed her hands where his was. The two of them didn't speak – they didn't need too.

It was obvious what was there – a lump in a place where there should be no lumps.

But then there was a need to talk.

To keep the fear at bay. Elsie told herself that your mind always spring to the worst possible conclusion. That was human nature.

"It might be absolutely nothing." She said to him with a hopeful smile.

She was telling the truth, nothing less and nothing more. It might be fine.

But it was that 'might' which he could not say he was very fond of.

"Best get it checked out just to be on the safe side," he said as he recovered himself and leant down to give her a kiss.

He was being silly – it had given him a scare but – but it was all ok.

"I will ring and make an appointment with Doctor Turner tomorrow." She knew that was the best course of action and did not need to be told that.

After what he had found though, she had to say that the joy of being washed had rather dimmed for the evening. "Why don't you go and start peeling the potato's for me?" she suggested gently..

It would be a head start and then they would all eat a bit sooner when she did get downstairs.

He nodded, went downstairs and left her alone for a moment with her thoughts which she then realised was the last place she wanted to be.

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	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

 **Poplar, London.**

There was always something going on in London. A new couple going on a first date. A more established ones anniversary. Sadly, people dying. But also people coming into the world for the first time.

There was a joy in midwifery that never died. Bernadette had been told that by her aunt Evie when she had told her that she wanted to in to the profession which she and her mother had been in for so long.

And she found as she continued her career in that vein that it was nothing less than the truth.

Helping Concetta Warren give birth to her fourth child that day was a huge honour to her as delivering babies was always an honour to her.

And this one was no les beautiful than her and Lens first three.

Bernadette had been the one who had delivered all of them. She felt an immense pride in the fact the two of them thought she was the one who delivered babies best, even though she knew there were plenty of nurses at the hospital who were perfectly capable.

"She is a beautiful little girl."

And she really was. They were lucky.

There was nothing better than going home in the knowledge that she had helped bring in to the world a new life who was going to be loved and cherished by its family.

Nothing in the world could come close to that.

She did not need to ask to know that the two Warrens were going to spend their evening looking at their new little bundle of joy. They were going to look at the baby and wonder what they had ever done without her in their lives. The time before her was going to melt away and the two of them would be as in love with their daughter as they were with each other.

But as for herself she was going to have no such evening.

Her shift was at an end and she was going to go home and spend the rest of her mother's birthday with her and that was more than enough for Bernadette Newgarden.

X x x

On the way home Bernadette had not only picked up a VHS as well as some flowers for Julienne but she had also got a dinner for two as she had told her mother she was going to.

Her mother worked at the same hospital as she did still – the only difference was their shift pattern at the moment as her mother was currently on the night shift. Fortunately, her mother was on her rest days for now.

12 hours at a time was gruelling enough some times when there was glorious sunshine beaming through the windows.

She got back to the house by eight and was glad as she ever was to be home. She had been blessed in the fact she had never ever had to dread going home. As a teen, it was true she had had her moments. She had been caught smoking by her parents when she had been just fourteen years old and both her mother and her father had been furious.

But those moments between them had always been few and far.

She was grateful for that. She was grown and the memories which they had created had nearly always been for the good.

That thought made her father's death two years a lot easier than they would have been otherwise.

"Are you here mum?"

"In here," she heard Julienne's voice call to her from the living room.

She followed it to see her mother was on the sofa in her PJs.

"Happy birthday!" she said as she sat by her side, put down her bags and before she so much as took off her coat wrapped her arms about her.

"Thank you my dear Bernadette."

The two women laughed they embraced a smile on their faces. It only fell off Bernadette's face when she saw what was on the table. The cards from the funeral.

"Oh I was just having a reread," her mother said with a deep sigh. "I do miss him – your father was a very special man."

Bernadette nodded. She missed him too. More than she was able to say really.

"He was."

Bernadette could remember even as a child that her father would do all he could to make her mother's birthday special for her. It might just be a silly little joke present which only the two or the three of them would get or he might take her up to town for a meal or a show or they might just go to the cinema which remained their first love throughout their long marriage.

But they would always do something.

She squeezed the hand in hers. It went without saying how much she missed her father.

"I am going to go put dinner on. And then we are going to get on with this film night!" that was what her father would have done.

Julienne nodded and let her daughter go.

She was sorry she had let her self be caught.

She wanted this night to be a happy one.

Bernadette meanwhile had gone in to the kitchen and had her coat off at last.

What they needed now was food. It was a good cure for grief, always.

She swallowed and sighed before holding her head for just a moment.

Missing the only father she had ever had ever known had become part of her daily life. The pain was fresher some days than others.

But this was her mother's day and she was not going to let her grief get her down.

After all she had work to do on the vegetables.

While she worked however she could not help but think this was not the start of a downward spiral for her mother. Julienne had found it hard to bounce back from her husband death. Together, they had had a quiet romance; Bernadette did not think she had ever known how much her parents had relied on one another for their happiness.

Nor did she did think she was ever going to be able to forget the look on her mother's face when she had found out her father was dead. It was as if the whole world caved in.

Julienne had only ever had one husband and she had said she was only ever going to have one. While some people might see this as the grief talking, Bernadette had a feeling she was telling the utter truth. There was nothing wrong with and no shame in moving on, remarriage. But Julienne knew it was not for her.

Julienne had had one husband, Bernie had had one dad… only then did it spring into her mind that if she did want another dad then she might have one out there.

Charles had told her if she wanted to look for who he referred to as her 'real father' when he was gone, he had no problem with that and would even take comfort in the fact that she'd have a dad looking out for her. As far as she was concerned, he was the only real father she could ever have.

But she would be a liar if she said her biological parents did not ever cross her mind.

 _Who were there? Where were they?_

"I am sorry if I upset you darling."

It was her mother at the door.

"You didn't. And you do not ever have to say sorry to me for missing dad."

Once more the two of them found they were seeking the comfort they could only find in each other.

"We are doing ok, aren't we?"

"We are doing good mum."

They were moving on with their lives and it was hard going but really were getting there.

"So tell me all about your day darling."

"Well I delivered the Warrens newest baby – it was a girl and she is completely healthy."

"That is wonderful news!"

"It is!" Shelagh smiled.

A new baby coming in to the world was always an occasion for joy in the Newgarden household. There had never been a day when one of them had delivered a healthy new baby when they had not come home with a smile on their face.

And it was even more so when the case was a family like the Warrens. They did not have a lot – they existed just above the poverty line, as so many still did in a city which was becoming ever more expensive to live in but the two of them loved one another and they loved their kids. They would always have enough – one way or another.

"And what about you? What did you do with your day off?"

"I had a lie in, I had a walk, I went to see what was going on at the cinema – did everything I wanted and went nowhere near a hospital."

And she still had roughly twenty four hours off before her next shift.

"Well, how does finishing up your birthday with your daughter and a bottle of wine sound?" Bernadette asked with a smile.

"That sounds like the best way to finish any day to me!" Julienne beamed. "Did you pick up the film?"

Bernadette nodded to the bag she had brought in which Julienne reached into and pulled out Dirty Dancing on VHS.

Yes, it was going to be a grand evening she thought with a smile.

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	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"I am going up to London with Lady Mary this weekend. Is there anything you want me to get?"

Anna did not normally call the woman she considered her best friend by her title. After growing up together and then going to university together – seeing each other through a number of heart breaking times as well as plenty of laughs, there did not seem a lot of need for standing of ceremony now. Even if they were employer and employee these days.

Anna did not know how long she was going to stay her PA for. Mary said she only need do so until she found something better, but for now Anna did not think there could be a lot better than working for the socialite. Some might think Mary was rather emptied headed. Anna knew better.

Still her father could be an old fuddy duddy when he wanted to be and seemed to have been in a mood the last few days. She had no wish to set him off. But she did want to know why he had a bee in his bonnet.

What surprised her though was when he did not reply at all.

"Earth to dad?"

"What's that love?"

"Me – and Lady Mary – we're going to London this weekend. Do you want me to pick you up anything?" she asked.

He shook his head.

"Dad, you would tell me if there was anything up wouldn't you?"

"Why should there be anything up just because I do not want you to pick up anything from London?"

"That isn't it – and you know it." Anna was Elsie's child as well as his and Charles was reminded that. His forth right child was always going to prove a challenge when she wanted too.

He was about to tell her to mind her cheek when the door opened.

It was Thomas.

"And here he is back from the walk of shame," William mumbled as he came into the kitchen behind his brother.

Thomas had clearly not seen his father yet.

"I hope you and your right hand had a good evening last night."

Charles cleared his throat.

"Dad!" Thomas said as he reached for the Nescafé. He definitely needed a coffee. "Shouldn't you be on your way to work by now?"

"Shouldn't you speak to your brother with a bit more respect?"

Thomas gave William a look which said he highly doubted that.

Charles turned back to his daughter. "I am going out with your mother this morning so we have taken the morning off…"

"Oh, are you off out for breakfast?" Anna said hopefully. She could do with a fry up herself.

"No, we are not – we are doing something just the two of us, so no you can't come," said Elsie as she walked in.

"Well we didn't want to come to begin with." Thomas told his mother as she kissed his cheek.

"Good."

Only Anna caught the look between her parents.

X x x

"There is something going on between them and I do not know what it is."

"Your parents are not normally ones for cloaks and daggers so if you think something is up then you are probably right," John said he passed the tea he had just made to Anna. She wasn't sure how helpful it was to hear he thought she was right – part of her would love to think it was all just her imagination.

William had headed up to the stables not long after breakfast and then Thomas had gone up to have shower. As he was working nights at the local club and then spending the nights with Jimmy he was not going to be rushing out.

And so she had to go in search of the man she loved to have someone to talk to about that morning. Not that she wouldn't have chosen him over anyone else any way.

She would.

"I do not know if that is a comfort or not. They are normally fairly open with us." She said with a disagreeable hum.

It was clear she was uncomfortable with whatever was going on and he would always seek to ease that if he could.

"Why don't you talk to your Auntie Beryl? If anything is up with the two of them then she is going to be the one they talk to."

The head chef at the abbey, Beryl Mason had been the steward of their lives for as long as Anna was able to remember.

"Now why didn't I think of that?" she asked as she rewarded John with a kiss.

A sudden ache came over her. Thinking of her parents while she was with John brought to mind her of her fathers continued disapproval and that was always going to bother her until the day he came round.

John was a good man. She knew that. He had not had the easiest of times of it and nor had she since she had fallen in love with him. Vera had made sure of that.

But for all the difficulties she would not do anything different.

She was his and he was hers and as long as she had him there to talk to when she needed someone she was satisfied.

X x x

Elsie sat outside the doctor's office.

When she had rung their local GP she had been relieved to find he had a slot open just a couple of days after they had found the lump- the sooner their minds were put at ease, the better.

Charles had been quiet since ever since that bath.

Bu then so had she.

They sat hand in hand giving one another little smiles to reassure each other. How much it was working neither knew, but at least they were together.

At last the surgery door open.

"Why don't you come in?"

Patrick Turner had been their family GP for the past decade. Having moved up from London with his wife and his boy Timothy when their son was small, he had at first found it hard to settle into life in the cosy little village after he had been so used to the hustle and bustle of London.

It had been so quiet. He had been able to hear the cows mooing from the bedroom of their little cottage. That had not been something which he had appreciated on his rare days off until he had seen the way that it made the face of his son light up.

After that, country life was a bit easy to get used to.

The happiness which it brought his family made it so.

Tim had learnt to walk with green grass under food. His first word, after mama and dad, had been 'Ig!" as he had pointed at an oinker in a field.

He had been born to be a country boy it seemed to his dad and they were all going to get to live happily ever after.

That was when they had found out his Elizabeth had a brain tumour…

To say he had been shocked was an understatement. He was a doctor and he knew these things happened to people of all ages. But he would be the first to admit that for a while he had done everything he could to deny how serious it was.

Looking back he did not know if he had been trying to protect her or himself and all he knew was that he felt he had been selfish.

Her last months had been spent with him research new medicines trying desperately to save her. All she had wanted was for him to sit by her side.

It wasn't till the end he had been able to do that. At the very end he had held her until she had passed and he knew it was a comfort that he had been able to do that – for both of them. So that they could separate in the way that they should.

Timothy had been just four year old. Six years later and he was coming up to ten and being raised by his father single handily.

Patrick did the best he could. The grief which he felt had become easier to manage over the years but his son grew more complicated. And he was only going to get more so as he got older. He was in doubt of that.

But that was why he was staying put. The last thing Tim needed was to go to a busy city where he knew no one and no one knew him.

Downton was not always the sanest of places but it was home to his boy.

More than that he liked being a small family GP. He liked seeing the little babies grow up into toddlers and to take care of their health as best he could. He liked being there for the teens and deal with their worries. And even though it was a sad business, he was glad he could be there for the families when they were saying good bye to those they loved and seeing them through their worst illnesses. Becoming a doctor had been a true calling for him.

Looking after the people of Downton with his colleague Doctor Clarkson was a privilege for him. And he still felt Elizabeth was here where she grew up and keeping their son close to that mattered.

The two Carson's got off their seat and Charles escorted his wife inside.

"Thank you for seeing me so quickly."

"Not at all," he said shutting the door behind the two of them.

"What seems to be the problem, Mrs Carson?"

She breathed deeply for a moment and took Charles's hand.

"I have found something – and I need to know it is not what I think it is."

Patrick nodded. "Let me examine you." Then they could see what to do.

"Well, you were right to come to me," said Patrick as Elsie done up her blouse. "We are going to do some tests and look in to this."

"But do you think it is –" Charles could to even say the word, think about his wife and his best friend having that.

Anything but that.

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves." Patrick said with a soft smile.

"You heard him – he is just going to do a few tests. There is nothing to say I do or don't have… cancer," Elsie forced the word out. "And I reckon we should wait to find out if we have something to worry about before we start worrying."

"I could not agree more." Turner confirmed. Elsie smiled.

X x x

 **Poplar.**

"Jenny, are you ok?" Patsy asked as the two of them sat with Bernadette at the nurse's station.

She shrugged.

"You did all you could."

"What's the matter?"

"She found out today that a baby she delivered had to be removed from the care of her parents."

Bernadette nodded with some understanding. It was never the news you wanted to hear.

"I am sorry."

"I knew he was abusing her and I tried to get her to leave him but – but she said she was in love with him. And the kids…" She looked as if she was going to be sick. "The two of them are going to go and live with their grandmother –"

"Well, maybe that is for the best. For all of them to get a second chance."

"But they are not going to be with their parents."

"By the sounds of it they are going to be much better away from their father." Patsy commented dispassionately.

Jenny nodded. She had to agree with that. "But their mother…."

Bernadette shook her head. "It may be that their grandmother can be a better mother to them than she can."

"But she is not the one who carried them!" and she had been the one who had fought so hard to keep the two of them with her, that was what hurt Jenny Lee the most. She had seen this mother do everything she had been able to keep her babies with her. And while it had not been enough, that mother's love for her children was strong…. Just it seemed not strong enough to overcome how naïve she had been. And that was heart breaking.

Bernadette knew in the state Jenny had clearly got herself into over this she should not take any of what she said to heart.

Yet the fact was it always bothered her when people seemed to imply it was DNA that made a family when she knew nothing could be further from the truth.

She and her parents were living testament to that.

Clearly Patsy was more on the ball than Jenny was as she gave her a look which told her not to worry too much before she had to walk away and check on a patient.

Bernie was not going to take any insult.

But then she wasn't going to tear into a work colleague who was upset either.

Instead, she tried to focus on the good in her life right then. Her mother thankfully did not seem so bad after the little moment she had had on her birthday.

Her blues had not even lasted the night. The two of them had had a lovely birthday dinner together, then she had got up and gone to work the next night.

It was all so normal.

But for some weird reason – maybe it was Jenny's comment – but she could not get what her father had said about looking for her biological parents out her head just then. It was not the first time her mum and dad had said it – that they would not mind her looking for the woman who gave her up. The two of them had never minded that, knowing it was a part of her history which some day she might feel the need to explore.

But the truth was to date she had never ever felt the need.

Her parents were wonderful. They were kind, they were loving, they had done everything for her.

She had never been left to feel as if there was anything missing in her life and she knew that was down to them.

She wondered why people who were adopted did insist on finding their real parents. Was it anger? She did not have a lot of that to go on either. Being given up had led her to a wonderful life.

They had given her a name and to a loving home. Being a midwife had helped her understand – more than most – what it was for a mother who wasn't ready to take home a baby she did not want. She had seen it happen to many times and she was glad that had not been her own fate.

Adoption was a life saver in some cases. As was abortion when it was required – it could save the mother and give her another opportunity to have a baby later, if and when she was ready.

Even though she knew all this – a careless comment here, an ignorant view there and still she had to admit the idea that only biological parents could be real parents bothered her.

And it made her question herself. Did she really not want to find her real parents? Was she abnormal in some ways for not wanting desperately to know who they were and what had become of them?

And then there was the big question.

 _Why?_ Why had she been given away? She could only guess. Unless she found them and asked.

X x x

Jenny sought her out by the end of the day with a big slice of cake and a cup of tea. For all the fact what she had said had indeed stung for a while, she knew the young midwife did not mean any malice.

"I was not thinking," she sighed. "I was just upset for the baby and little Loraine."

"I know it is always hard in a situation to go through."

"I just so wanted her to succeed." More than anything she had wanted Molly to succeed.

Bernie tried to move on from the subject. She had accepted the apology and she wasn't going to make her colleague grovel. "Do you know I thought back to the Lawson's?"

The gentleness and love which Ted Lawson had embrace a child which was very clearly not his own had made him a favourite on weighting days.

He doted on his little man. Now there was a dad made by love.

Jenny apparently could not let what she had said go yet though after a brief smile to acknowledge her comment. "And then I heard myself and I must say I felt so ashamed."

Jenny Lee was only too aware that she had a long way to go as a midwife. Especially if she upset her colleagues which she would never knowingly do.

"It's fine." Bernadette sighed. "There is no need; you spoke in the heat of the moment. No apology needed as there is no harm done."

And yet what was no stuck in her head did not fall out.

X x x

"You are quiet tonight," Julienne said as she looked at her daughter who was sitting in her father's arm chair looking into the flames of their fire.

"Am I?" she said with a smile.

"You know if your father was here he would say you are looking pensive."

That had been one of his favourite, commonly used words.

"He probably would." She said with a smile.

"And he would not be wrong."

"My father," she said as she conjured two images.

One of them was a good man, the one who had held her in his arms and in his heart since the day she had been born. Even though he had been gone from her for a good while now, she was still sure she could draw him and have him come back to life just as he had been when he had been alive. He had a bump on his head and she knew where the freckles were on his arms were from when she had been on holiday with him as a child. She knew that he worked at a bank and when he made tea, he put the milk in before the water, even though she and her mother constantly told him it should be the other way round. He had a fondness for wine gums and the horse racing on the radio.

She knew all of this by heart.

But her other father she had no idea about. She did not know where he worked. How he liked his tea. What sweets where his favourites. What he did on a weekend – or even where he was. All of those things would make him real to her.

But he was just a blank slate, there was nothing there. He could be as dead as her first father was she reminded herself.

"My dear Bernadette," her mother's voice called to her and for the moment she wasn't sure she wasn't crying.

It felt to her as if there was a little girl inside who would like nothing more than to burst into tears and go into one.

That was when it all came spilling out as she held on to her mother's hand. She told her about Jenny and what she had said as well as the way she way she had said it, as she did not want her mother to believe there was any malice involved.

But more than that she told her about the way it made her feel and the thoughts which it had got spinning around in her head.

"You know the things your father told you – he said them because they were true. The two of us are always going to consider you our daughter whether you look for your biological parents or not."

"And whether I do or not, the two of you are always going to be my parents."

In all the real ways she thought to herself. In all the ways that mattered.

She hadn't felt there was anything missing and nor did she right then but the thought was there.

Should she meet them?

"What if I do not like what I find?" she asked.

"Then you are always going to be able to come home."

"This is going to be home whether I like what I find or not." she said with a serious expression. Julienne smiled sadly at her passionate loyalty.

"Yes, you're right. It is," she said as she kissed her on the forehead. "You know my love, you do not have to decide any of this tonight. And even if you think you have made up your mind you can always change it," she said as she kissed her daughters forehead. "But do promise me one thing."

Bernadette looked up at her mother with a shining admiration. No matter what happened she was always going to think of her mother as the wisest of women.

"You do this for you. You do not do it because of what your father said or because of what Jenny Lee said or even anything I say. This is a very personal thing. And that is how I want this to remain."

Bernadette nodded. Her mother's good sense was exactly why she admired her so much and why she always would.

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	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

"Is there anything that you want, love?"

"I want my husband to come and sit at my side for a while," said Elsie.

Charles had just popped his head round the door to see his duty was done, she thought to herself. But she wanted more than duty from him right then.

He was always the same whenever there was a stressful situation. More than anything in the world he wanted to be there for his family but he was not the sort of man who found it easy.

She found men in general did not find it easy but it seemed she had married a particular man in this case.

But when asked, he would.

It was not as if either of them had had an easy day. He had taken her to the hospital. After the referral from Doctor Turner, she had been called into the hospital fairly quickly. He was not one to hang around.

And so she had had a biopsy. After an ultrasound which showed there was a mass in her breast – well it had been the sensible thing to do.

"You cannot dwell on this for the next week or two endlessly, you know. The kids – they are going to know something is up and I do not want to know anything about this if it turns out to be nothing more than a scare. If that was the case, then there was no need."

"Does it make make a coward that I wish had their protection from this?" he asked.

She shook her head. "I think it makes you very human," She said as she took his hand.

"I should not be putting this on you," he realised as he turned to her. He should be the one who was protecting her.

"It doesn't matter." She felt as if she was much more able to cope with it. Maybe because she knew it was not absolute yet.

There was a chance she had cancer. But it was just a chance for now.

And if it came to it then she had no doubt he was going to be there for her every step of the way. He was going to fight this fight with her as the two of them had always fought every fight together.

She thought back to the very first they had had to fight when they had been so young.

"We have seen worst days than this one," the worst day of her life was always going to be the day she had given up their child.

She had thought it was going to hurt less as time went on but if anything it hurt more.

Looking back she was sure she had been sure at the time. Her reasons for giving up the baby had been sound even if now she wondered if they were selfish.

Should she have given up work? Would she have been happy as a mum?

Now she had had the experience of raising the other kids… she thought maybe she would have been.

But had she needed one for the others to turn out as they had? Giving up Shelagh had made her siblings more precious in a way. And if she had not, would she even have made it to have William? Would 'her three' have been Shelagh, Thomas and Anna? Or would she have conceived during another month of the year she had been carrying the others and missed out on these children all together?

It was a cruel hard fact that she was never going to get the answers to those questions.

When she had found out that she was carrying Thomas, Elsie had been overjoyed. It was a chance to put things right….

And she had done all she could to always make sure things were right for the children she had been able to raise. But there was the nagging thought that there was always the one who she had not.

That she was out there somewhere.

Maybe she needed her, maybe she did not. But either way she had not had her mother. Not Elsie.

And there was always going to be that regret in her, somewhere. It was never going to go away.

"Yes we have," Charles agreed and sounded very far away from her just then. She squeezed the hand she was holding. If she had been younger or more naïve she might have asked them if they had done the right thing – she had done so a few times over the years – but now there did not seemed to be a lot of point to it.

They had done what they had done and there was nothing else to it.

She put his head on his shoulder and shut her eyes. What was going to be was going to be. And they were going to face it head on.

X x x

Beryl Mason was not one to beat about the bush.

"So what is up with you then?" she asked as Elsie came in to sight.

"And a good morning to you too."

They were standing in the grand foyer at the Abbey. A half hour remained until opening to the public and Elsie had decided to come and have a measure up. She had to get going if they were going to be ready for this anniversary party in time.

"I had our Anna up here asking all manners of questions about you yesterday so there is no use in denying it," Now Anna was that bit older, mother and daughter were more like friends than parent and child. So there was definitely something up if Anna could not get it out of Elsie.

"Anna is imagining – " she begun but did not finish. Her daughter was perceptive, and she knew it. She was not going to insult her intelligence, neither hers nor Beryl's.

If the kids were young then it would be easy to hide all this from them. Or easier at any rate.

"Well, you are well aware something is up I do suppose I can hide it from you now."

"If I had known you less time it might be worth a go." But she had not. She had known her nearly her whole life, or that was how it felt.

Beryl grinned. It was the same old story as with the kids thought Elsie.

Seeing there was no longer a way out of this Elsie sat down.

"I have found a lump in a place where there should not be one."

"Oh my god!"

Tough Beryl might be, good under pressure she was not.

"There is nothing we know for sure yet so I do not need any histrionics!" she said grimly.

If she had to deal with it at home with Charles then she was not going to deal with it at work too.

"What – I mean, what are you doing about it?"

"You mean, 'what have I already done about it?' Charles and I went to the doctors –Doctor Turner has refereed me so until we get the results back from the hospital that is all we can do. And I don't know any more than that yet."

"Which is why you're not telling the children yet."

"There is no need to worry them – not if there is nothing there."

This was a stress for her and Charles but if that was all it had to be, then that was for all the better. She knew what people thought. She knew what she thought. She heard the word cancer and then there was a death sentence behind it.

But it did not have to be that way… there were so many treatments…

Still, better to be sure before she panicked anyone without needing too.

"Have you had some tests done?"

"We have. We have been to the hospital and now all we can do is wait."

Beryl looked as if she wished she was in the kid's position and she did not now, much as Charles had admitted he would like to be.

But then that was her way – and she could and would push through it to be her friend as she always had been.

She took her hand.

"Well, we are just going to have to wait to see what hand the lord has given us and then we will play it as best we can," she said holding on to Elsie hands tighter. "You'll be ok. Well mange it together."

"I have heard that one before."

Beryl had been there when she had had all of her kids. She knew things about her no one else did. And she had not forsaken her yet.

So Elsie allowed herself to be comforted for just a moment. And to believe it was all going to be ok.

X x x

Charles was the one who had answered the phone call but Elsie had known who was going to be on the other end of it before he had so much as picked it up – like she had a sixth sense.

The call had come too soon. The hospital wanted her back in.

Then she worried.

X x x

 _Cancer._

X x x

It was a testament to how concerned her father was about her mother that Charles made no comment when John got to the house that night.

After the three Carson kids had taken the news in, having been sat down by their parents they had all chosen to deal with it in very different ways. It seemed to have knocked William out of the slump he had been in strangely.

Suddenly, whether or not Daisy liked him was the least of his problems. In fact, if she never did then he was not going to worry. Not anymore. As long as his mother was going to be ok then he was sure he was going to be able to face anything else.

Thomas, true to form, had gone to work. That was his way of coping and for that Elsie thought he was rather his father's son. She hoped they were not going to see a regression in him.

She had always known who he was – he had never been camp in the way that she thought many people thought gay people were but she had known. Just a mother's instinct. He had taken a long time to accept that about himself. And then a long time to come and talk to her and Charles about it which had upset her as she knew it had to hurt him not to talk about it.

Charles hadn't seen it coming and in hindsight she wished he had dealt it better for Thomas' sake than he had at the time… but there was no way to undo the past and both father and son were getting on better these days. She was sure she had even heard them talking about how he and Jimmy were the other day.

She just hoped he was not going to pull back in to himself.

As for Anna as soon as she had heard the news her mother had cancer, she had wanted to do two things. She had wanted to hold her mother and then call the love of her life.

She had done both.

"You know me. I am going to be just fine, my bonny girl."

Her mother was a pragmatist and so Anna was sure she was just saying all things she wanted to hear for the sake of her children… though Anna was eating them up all the same.

Then she had rung her boyfriend.

Her mother had retreated to the living room where she was intending to have a quiet, peaceful evening with her father as much as they could – she and John went upstairs.

"How are you doing with all this?" he asked as the two of them sat on the edge of her bed, putting an arm about her.

"I feel as if I am going to wake up in a moment. I feel as if I _have_ to wake up."

All of them were going to fall apart if the worst happened. Their mum was the very centre of their family and always had been. As much as they all loved their dad, it was their mum they went to when things went wrong.

She kissed it better; she wasn't the one who was meant to get sick. She knew how selfish all of those thoughts were but she could not stop them just then.

"Your father said they caught it early though. That is a good sign."

"But it is not a guarantee." She said as her chin wobbled and tears threatened.

She knew she should be thinking positive.

And she was going to, she told herself. In the morning she was going to be bright and bonny and everything her mum was going to need her to be. But right then she was going to have her moment.

Seeing this and knowing her as he did John put his arms about her.

He would be there for her no matter what as she had proved more than once she was always going to be there for him.

She was so strong willed.

And so much of that came from her mother. Elsie and Anna were both going to get through this and he would make sure that was the case in any way he could.

"I am going to get tested for the cancer gene," she said very quietly.

He did not need to be as freaked out as she was right then - that was not why she had told him - but he did need to know she was taking precautions.

She felt his hls on her tighten.

And if she was found to have the gene she thought to herself? What was she going to do then?

A small voice in her head said she was going to cross that bridge when she came to it – if she came to it.

And not before.

It was only then Anna realised there was another side to this that none of them had considered.

Maybe it was understandable as the immediate family were yet to take the news in but they had to deal with as soon as they could.

She got out of John's arms and went down stairs.

"Anna?" he asked. But she appeared to be on a mission. She only slowed her pace when she got to the living room.

Her mother had her head on her father shoulders and her eyes shut and if the truth was known then Anna was loathed to disturb her.

And if she had felt able to wait then she knew she would have…

Her father caught her coming in to the room first.

"Anna, what is it?" her mother's eyes opened having felt her husband move.

"I know the last thing you need is any more stress in your life right now and that is not what I am trying to do, but… I think we need to get in touch with Shelagh."

She had been told she had to be the tested because she was her mother's daughter.

And that was because she was her mother's biological daughter. And if she had to be tested and then so did her older sister.

They owed it to her to find her now.

Elsie sat up. She had been so worried about the way this news had affect her three youngest that she had not yet given a moment's thought to the way it was going to impact on her eldest.

She felt Charles stiffen at her side but when she turned to face him she saw his face was full of hope.

"Then some good might come out of all of this."

She had known he had always wanted to find her deep down. She had too but after giving her up felt they had had no right to seek her out. No, if there was going to be a reunion it had to be because it was what she wanted…

If she knew Shelagh wanted her back then she would have found her yesterday.

But she had no right to go upsetting her and going back in to her life with news such as this was the last thing she wanted.

'Hi, I am the mother who gave you up and also possibly gave you breast cancer.' She said with a shake of her head.

This disease she had thought when she looked into the faces of the children she had raised could not get any crueller.

But it turned out it could. And as much as she hated it… she knew she was right, they were going to have to find her. She could not leave her be now, to carry on with a sword dangling over her head when she knew nothing about it.

She shut her eyes and could feel the weight of that little girl in her arms. Still she could smell her, feel her soft and new…

What if _she_ was the one who had left it too late already?

"Alright." She said looked from Anna to John to Charles.

 _Let's do it._

X x x

Sitting in the garden, Elsie took a sip of her cup of tea.

It was fresh from the pot and brewed just how she liked it. It was the little things – the smallest ones which did not matter normally that she knew were going to keep her sane in the days to come.

She only hoped it kept her husband sane as well.

He had been the one who had made the tea but she was more concerned with keeping him focused on the kids.

She knew it was just a distraction from her own state of mind but still…

The four of her loved ones she had closer were not the ones who mattered right then.

The one who mattered was the one she did not have near her…

Yet since Anna had stated the obvious, Shelagh had been on her mind. At the very forefront of it.

She tapped the pen on the piece of paper she had in front of her. Though they were yet to find an address for her eldest daughter, she had a feeling that tracking her down was not going to be as hard as writing this letter.

She had thought before about what she would say to her if she got the chance but it always seemed as if it was quite a frivolous thing as she had no plan to get in contact unless that was what Shelagh wanted.

She could never have guessed these were going to be the circumstances.

She knew she had to get into the letter all the love she felt for her. The regret – the hope that she had done the right thing for her when all was said and done.

And then there was the concern she felt for her right then.

But there had been a span of twenty eight years from the day she had given her up to the one where she sat in the garden and tried to write the hardest letter she ever had.

It all depended on how her daughter had grown up as to what happened next.

What if she just burnt it?

What if she poured everything in to this and then it was not even read?

Well… that was just a risk you are going to have to take Elsie Carson, she thought to herself.

It was the risk she owed it to her to take.

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	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

The letter arrived in the rare second post that arrived in poplar London, on a blowy Wednesday morning.

It arrived on an even rarer occasion - on a day when both Julienne and Bernadette were off.

They had planned to go into town that day. It had been a weird few weeks and while neither of them were materialistic, a spot of retail therapy and some lunch might be just the ticket to shake away their blues. Oxford Street was calling.

"It is not often these days you get a hand addressed envelope in the post," said Julienne as she brought the post through to the living room. "You lucky thing."

Bernie laughed at her mother as she stood at the breakfast bar, drinking her milky tea.

"Are Auntie Evie and Chummy going to meet us in town?" she asked as she took the envelope.

"That is what the two of them said and we had better get our skates on if we are going to meet them in time - and you know what Evangelina is like."

Even though the four of them were meeting for something fun, she was not going to approve if they were late.

Shelagh laughed at the truth of the statement as she took the letter out of the envelope and begun to read.

"Oh my god." She was never one to take the Lord name in vain… but when the situation arose…

X x x

"Do you remember the mother?" Julienne asked.

As soon as she had realised what her daughter had in her hands, she had asked if rather than going out to the shops, Evangelina could come to the two of them. Chummy could have come as well, but when she had heard what had gone on she decided to give them a little space. Retail therapy was no longer going to work and Shelagh had to work out just what she was going to do.

Evangelina nodded. "She was just a slip of a girl – thought she was doing the right thing and she was. I will never forget how shell shocked the whole thing made her though."

She had seemed as if she was trying to detach from the situation and maybe she was. But she couldn't.

"But I do remember that Bernadette's father was there for her – not many dads would turn up at the maternity hospital in those days – especially not the unmarried ones - but he did." She admitted with mixed approval.

"I do not know if I am so very grateful for her for getting in touch so we have time to do something about it if or if I am angry with her for _only_ making contact now."

"There is no room for anger in this situation," Evangelina reminded Julienne.

She could see where the feeling was coming from, of course she could. And if it was Chummy then maybe she would feel different.

God knows the mama bear in her had come out to protect her baby more than once since she had moved into her and Fred's house.

And it was probably going to come out again.

But there was no room for anger here. Elsie Carson was trying to do the right thing. She had not asked to meet Shelagh by the sounds of it, but offered to meet her on the strict condition it was what she wanted. She had merely sent the letter as more of as a health check so that she could live a long and happy life.

Evangelina wasn't sure she did not commend her for that. It would have been easy for her to sit on that information for fear that she was going to get hate directed at her at a time when she really did not need it.

But she had not.

Evangelina took her cup of tea and went over to where her niece was sitting once more in her father's arm chair. Julienne smiled softly to herself. It was always going to Charles' chair but if they were not careful; then they were going to have to rename it as Bernadette's chair. She had a feeling her husband was going to like that, doting on his child as he always had done.

"How are you doing, poppet?" Evangelina's asked, used a term of endearment she had not for a long time. Not since Bernie was a very small girl.

It did its job and raised a smile.

"I do not know how I am doing if the truth is known. You know I have been thinking more and more about my biological parents lately but it was all with the provision I had all the time in the world to find them and that I did not have to rush into any of this for fear I was making a mistake. But now I find out if I do wait it for too long – I might miss the out altogether."

"No one likes to be under pressure – and I would do anything to stop you from being under it now."

Bernadette smiled. "I know you would. But that is the auntie in you talking. What does the toughest midwife in poplar say?"

"That the poor woman who wrote that letter doesn't matter. We need to get you booked into see if you have the gene."

Shelagh sighed. That was the last thing on her mind.

Her chance of getting the disease did not seem to rank right then alongside with the fact the women who brought her into the world did have it.

"She stayed with him you know. My father – natural father – and my mother stayed together. I do not know if that makes it all better or worse!" She said before she shook her head. The adoption had been the right thing. And she understood. She always had done and she was not going to let the fact she had been a little spooked lately change that.

"No. No, I do know for a fact it makes it better actually." The fact they had always had each other made it much better.

As she got back into her right frame of mind about it all and away from the slight hysteria which was in her, she realised one thing. For the first time it occurred to her she _must_ have been conceived in love.

She had thought about the way she had been conceived more than once over the years. It would be a lie to say it hadn't played on her mind.

It wasn't something any one liked to think about much – as it did of course involve your parents doing 'it' – but when those parents were off the scene and faceless, it came down to the mechanics of it more.

She had wondered if it was just a quick stupid fumble. If there had been force involved and she was the hated result. Or if it had been two young sweethearts who had got unlucky.

The last one she had hoped for and it seemed to be the one she had got.

"It does. I delivered you; I have told you that before haven't I?"

Bernadette nodded.

"And I said at the time I was not going to tell you any more than that as neither of us needed you to know any more. You said you wished her well, but that you never felt angry at her as what she did meant you got sent here to your mum and dad."

The reminded of those words and the letter on the page, along with the truth of what she was learning helped to untangle all the ifs and the buts she had been feeling since her mother's birthday… since she had been stupid enough to let Jenny's words get into her head.

"But if you think it would help now for me to tell you a bit more about your mother and father then I will. I do not know if I can tell you much more than her letter already has – but if you want me too I will try."

X x x

 _My dearest Shelagh,_

 _My name is Elsie Carson. I am 46 years old. I work as a Secretary to an American lady. And I have, as you have worked out by now, no idea how to write or frame a letter such as this one._

 _I do not know if my name is known to you already – but just in case it is not, I will state simply I am your birth mother. I am the one who gave you up for adoption twenty eight years ago. I am the one who has missed you your entire life._

 _Maybe you think I have no right to write that – god knows I don't. But it is the truth._

 _As to why I am writing to you now and not before – please do not hate me – but I have recently found out I have breast cancer. They caught it early and with the wonders of medical science and gods will, I have been reassured there is a good chance I will recover._

 _I am not asking for anything – no visit, no last minute reunion – but I do ask this – go and get yourself checked out, if that is what you want. Your health matters to me – it is of paramount important to me._

 _All that said, please don't think me cold. I enclose our address and telephone number. If ever you need me, or want to see me, or your father, who I ended up marrying in the end – call us. Without hesitation. No matter the time of day._

 _I don't know how much of us you wish to know – but I feel urged to tell you, you've two brothers and a sister too. They came along all at least eight years after you. It was a different decade, a different time – your father and I were ready and settled enough to cope with a baby. Please don't think I am trying to excuse what we did, though maybe I am trying to explain it. Just know giving you up was the hardest thing your father and I have ever had to do, from that day to this. Writing this letter has rivalled it and I wish I knew I had picked my words carefully enough._

 _But just in case I don't get any more – and who knows this letter may not even find you – let me state that sweetheart, I love you. I always have from the day I knew you were inside me and will continue to do so long after I am gone from this world to the next._

 _You are my baby and I have prayed for you daily._

 _All my love for always._

X x x

"She didn't sign it," said Bernadette as she showed Evangelina. There was no name at the bottom of the page. Just the declaration of love for her.

"Well no – I wonder she did not know how to sign it off. Elsie Carson is too formal but she can't very well say 'from mum' – Julienne is your mum."

Bernadette nodded. And softly agreed, "she is." And she was always, always going to be.

But there was no doubt the letter had piqued her curiosity. And then there was the concern. Mum or not, this was the woman who had carried her and brought her into the world.

"Siblings… it seemed I just came at the wrong time."

"I think so – even when they were young you could tell Charles and Elsie were very devoted to each other."

"Charles?" Bernadette asked with a raised eye brow. Evangelina nodded, wishing she had delivered the news a little more softly.

She had been so focused on the mothers she had not giving too much thought to the similarity between her fathers.

"Yes – no matter who your father is, he is called Charles."

Bernadette nodded as she felt a pair of hands slide on to her shoulder. She kissed her mother's hand.

"How are you, my lamb?"

"My head is spinning – but I do not think there is too much time for that."

"Whatever you want to do I am going to support you."

"And that is the only reason I can do any of this."

She turned. "Aunt Evangelina tell me about my mother – I think I should know something about her before we meet."

X x x

"Your mother looks as if she is in hell at the moment," John said as he looked out the window to the Carson's garden. Anna's parents were out there together looking at the roses the two of them had tended and grown that season. They were beautiful, colourful and stood proudly. They had done well.

"She is waiting for a reply from my sister. I do not think she thought she was doing the right thing even as she put the letter in the post."

"But she had to let her know so –"

"The medical part of this is the least of her worries. No, I think mum is absolutely sure she did the right thing when it comes to letting her know she has to get herself to the hospital. But whether she was right to put all the other stuff in the letter she really isn't sure."

Thomas was not that concerned about his elder sister, the distant figure that she was. As far as he was concerned she had her own family to look out for her and the five of them had enough troubles at the moment without worrying too much about her. William as well, while being slightly more concerned about Shelagh, was more concerned about the impact which the stress was having on their mother at a time when she simply did not need it.

Anna, on the other hand, along with her father had been the one to proof the letter before it went.

She had always wondered about her sister ever since she had been told of her existence and that was when she had been young. Her parents had wanted nothing more than for there never to be any surprise reveals when they were adults. The trust between the family was absolute to them – and so the kids had had to know every as soon as they were old enough to understand.

They had all reacted in different ways. Thomas had spent his youth wondering if one day his father was going to regret the fact he had given up the wrong child. Anna had been angry for a while she had been stuck with the dumb boys when she could have been with her big sister. William had asked if they could not simply go and get her back when he had heard about what they had done.

There had been different levels of understanding at different ages. But as a result of the way they had handled it: Shelagh had never been a dirty secret in the house. She had simply been another member of the family who was far away.

"She had to put it in," John Bates said knowing. To send just a message telling her to get to the hospital would have been more heartless.

"I know – but mum has always felt she gave up her right to put what she did in the letter long ago. And it went against her conscience to say them, even in this circumstance."

"Cancer does not take account of conscience." Said John sadly. "But maybe this will be her silver lining." He said with hope.

There had to be some good come out of all of this.

"I hope so," Anna nodded. She couldn't bear to think of all the suffering and all the worry that was going to infect their lives without some good coming out of it.

John pushed a kiss to her forehead and for just a moment she allowed his love to shut everything else out. As long as she had him, she could support the rest of the family. That she vowed.

X x x

For a long time the three midwives stayed talking, and they seemed to go round and round in circles.

The first point which the two elder were very clear on making was that no matter what came next, it was no one's choice but Bernadette's.

The second was that even now she did not have to rush into anything which she felt she was not ready for.

But the letter had changed everything for her.

She thought it was odd in that moment – how words on a piece of paper could change your life but they really did have the power to do that.

She knew it now.

"I think I know what I want to do – what I have to do –"

So when Evangelina was gone and with her mother making there dinner in the background, she sat down at the kitchen table, picked up her pen and begun to write…

Dear Elsie…

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	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

Dear Elsie,

It is not going to be long I fear until you realise I have as much idea how to frame this letter as you knew how to write yours. So I will follow your lead and tell you my name is Bernadette Newgarden. I am twenty eight years old. And a midwife.

I want to thank you for your letter as I do understand how hard it must have been for you to write it. I will get to a hospital, I promise you. After all – I work in one.

I also want to thank you for a very hard choice that you made a long time ago. I know it cannot have been easy and cannot know how a decision like that must feel to live with in the years after.

But it is so very important to me you know I do not blame you and I have had a wonderful life with parents who loved me and who I love. You made the right decision, Elsie. I am also happy you had other children with my biological father and that your relationship has survived and by all accounts, thrived. It sounds as if you have quite a family and I look forward to meeting you all.

If I have my way then we are going to meet - and soon. But at this moment I cannot know if that is going to happen.

I will keep you in my prayers and hope to meet you very soon.

I mean it – _thank you._ For everything.

With all my warmest wishes.

Bernadette Newgarden.

X x x

Elsie's hands shook as she read the letter - this paper which substituted for her daughters first words to her and she was lucky enough to have it come in the form of forgiveness.

Praise the lord - if nothing else came of any of it for then they were always going to have their letters. Something to hold on too. A great regret of hers over the years was that she had left her with no trinket, no talisman which she could hold and think of the past.

She knew at the time it had been so they were able to make a clean break of it but now she did not think she had been right.

But they did have something now and it was as wonderfully personal as a sample of each other's hand writing.

It was so precious.

She was sitting in the kitchen holding it as if it was a fragile new-born.

It was as she did that she heard the house come alive.

The boys came down from upstairs for some food and Charles and Anna came back from a walk.

None of them were pleased to see her crying.

"Mum, what is it?" asked William but it did not take long to see her eyes were trained on his father.

She got up and crossed the room to her husband. In that moment it felt as if they were the only two who should read the letter, though she knew her other kids of course would in due to course. But for now she wished they were not here so their father could have this as a private moment. It was not to be.

There were thousand questions on his face which she just answered with a nod.

 _Read it._

His hands shook as hers had and his face grew red and he could not believe it was real.

Forgiveness, a contact address and an extension of friendship.

A desire to meet.

"A midwife, Charlie, she has done so well for herself."

Elsie felt tears roll down her face.

Her daughter had been safe, loved and she had thrived.

None of the rest of it mattered anymore.

He wrapped his arms about her and held her tighter than he ever had before, at their mutual salvation.

Their other three children exchanged a glance and none of them had to wonder about what was the source of their parent's joy. Shelagh's reply had come.

X x x

"Elsie's written – we've arranged a meeting!"

Julienne smiled at the joy in her daughter's voice as she came over to the nursing station.

"That is wonderful news!"

"Yes – Elsie and Charles are going to come to London – maybe we can go for out for the afternoon or something."

It felt as if they should mark the occasion somehow and do something nice.

Her mother could not agree with that more.

She looked at Julienne. She had considered whether or not this was the right thing. "Will you come with me?"

"Of course I will – if that is what you want."

Shelagh nodded. She was sure that it was.

"Then I'll be there, darling." Julienne said as she kissed her daughter.

She would be there whatever came.

X x x

The idea that Elsie had had after the letter responding too hers had arrived was that she would go down to London to see Shelagh.

She did not want to put her daughter out any more than she had too.

And if she was going to go and explain everything to her then she was going to do so when they were in Shelagh's home territory. She was certainly not going to ask her to come all the way to Yorkshire. That would be so alienating for her. Elsie wanted to make the effort for her now.

She imagined that the three of them were going to be able to meet in a hotel for afternoon tea or something so she could explain to her – well, everything.

And more than anything else, she wanted to be able to make her peace with her before she went into the hospital.

That was the idea.

Charles, even though he had said he was going to go with her, was not happy. He wanted to follow through with her plan more than anything but a voice in him said it was going to be too much for her. Elsie over tiring herself scared him – there was no denying it.

"I promise you I am up to this," she said as the two of them sat on their bed with their bags packed to go to London.

Even though they had gone back there for a holiday after they had got married and they had both gone there on work, numerous times over the years, he had never manage to feel any kind of fondness for the city.

It was always just full of the memory of a future which had been lost to them for him.

And there had been the knowledge that he was in the same city as his oldest child and yet he was not allowed to see her, to hug her and to tell her no matter what her father loved her.

"But you would say that whether you were or not – I know you," he said as he squeezed her hand.

He could not say he would be any different if their roles were reversed.

"You do – but I swear I am. After all these years, the last thing I am going to do in front of our daughter is collapse."

He nodded. Well that was the truth he knew that. She wasn't a fainter…. But the after effects.

"Can you believe we are going to get her back after all this time? Or if not get her back, see her again?" he said carefully to plant the seed they still might not make it to their happily ever after.

She shook her head. "The time last we had her close to us you could measure her life in a matter of minutes. And she was so small you could tuck her in your pocket. But this time we are going to be met with a grown woman," she sighed.

In the time they had been apart she would have had an entire life.

She would have seen and done so much.

All the mile stones the two of them had seen her siblings through.

She had rolled over without the two of them being there for her. She had walked and she had talked for the first time. She had gone to school for the first time. She had made friends, no doubt had boyfriends without Charles there to vet them.

She would have stumbled and fallen over the years and the difference between her and her siblings there was they had always been there to pick them up.

She was going to be a grown woman.

And yet she was their daughter.

"Yes she is," Charles sighed as he wrapped an arm about her.

"And she is going to be as beautiful as her mother - just as she was on the day she was born." Charles reassured her as he kissed her head.

She was his beautiful girl still.

And with god's grace they were going to get through this.

X x

"Don't you think the last thing in the world mum needs to be doing right now is to be running down to London?" asked Thomas he saw his sister booking train tickets in the kitchen on the family lap top.

"No – I think the thing mum needs is something to which she had can hold on." She said as she put in the credit card number to get the tickets as she had been asked too.

"And the four of us are not enough?!"

"We are not the only things which she has in her life. We are not the only people she cares about."

She couldn't get why that was so hard to understand.

"What is wrong with you?"

"What is wrong with your face?"

"Very mature Thomas. If you ever feel like actually giving me an adult answer you know where am I," she said as she turned her attention back to the lap top. If he was going to be like that then she was not going to give him the satisfaction of winding her up.

It was therefore a surprise to her when the very next thing which he did was come and sit at her side.

"Jimmy has got a job interview up in Edinburgh and he is going to go away this week. He has friends up there and he does not think he is going to be back till next."

Anna frowned and did not think it was any wonder he was out of sorts. She knew John would not even consider going away from her right now. The idea just wouldn't occur to him.

"Oh," she said as she could think of nothing else to respond with.

"That was not quite my reaction but it does seem to sum up the situation."

When they did not know what was going on with their mum, a small thought in the back in his head told him he could not expect Jimmy to put is life on hold but he had got used to the idea he was going to be there for him through this.

He would go to the club and he would work and then he would have someone there to turn to when he needed him.

But that was not to be.

Anna reached over and grabbed his hand and for a moment he wanted to yank it away.

But he suddenly had a feeling his little sister needed him as much as - well, not that he would ever say it out loud - but as much as he needed her.

"The two of you are still early on," she said as she tried to comfort him.

Personally if it was up to her then she was going to wring Jimmy's neck but she was not going to put that on him now.

Her brother looked at her through doubtful eyes.

"We are a bit earlier on than I thought we were, lets us put it like that."

They sat in silence for a moment and all Anna could hear was the ticking of the clock.

"You know she is going to get thought this," she said with her normal sunniness.

It was only her brother who could see through it and see she would not admit the truth to herself.

There was a chance they were to going to be ok. That their mum was not going to be ok.

Yes they had got to the cancer early but it did not mean anything – not really.

It was a hateful and vicious disease and there were too many families who had suffered because of it.

And he wondered how many of them had asked 'why me?' When the really question was 'why not me?' 'Why not us?'

There was no reason. It was as random as it was cruel in some cases.

It was just the luck of the draw.

But his sister had tried to be kind to him that day and so he was going to return the favour. He leant over and kissed her on top of the head as their parents had done since they had both been young. For just a moment Anna leaned into the gesture before sitting back in her chair.

Then she said as she hit the confirm button. "Done."

Whether he approved or not was the tone underneath.

Thomas knew when he was beat and said nothing. The women in his family were as stubborn as the men.

It really was a family trait.

Just as Anna had been about to offer to get up and put the kettle on, for what had to be the hundredth time that day she heard the phone ring.

"Hello!"

"Is Mrs Carson there?" Anna felt her stomach drop at the voice of Patrick Turner.

"Yeah – I will just get her. "

She did not know if any good could come of his ringing.

What if they had found something else?

A small voice said it was ok if they had and in that case they were going to deal with it but she had to admit, she thought their family was dealing with enough as it was.

She rushed up the stairs to her parent's room, her brother hot on her heals.

"Mum – it is the doctor," she said with a swallow.

Elsie nodded and took the phone.

X x x

Elsie put the phone down.

In the time she had been on it William had joined them all in the bed room and he looked just as scared as he others did. It was clear they were all waiting for the next blow but she had a feeling they were all going to see this as good news as she took the call. No, the only one this was a blow to was herself.

"What is it love?" Charles asked.

"There has been a theatre slot come up at the hospital earlier than they thought there was going to be one."

All of them turned to each other with a smiled as she had known they were going to. She was going to get on the road to recovery with any luck sooner than the thought she was going too. They saw this as good news.

But she did not. She saw the hope in their eyes as the sooner this was out the way the better.

But her mind went to Shelagh.

She had said she was going to go and see her. But now – there was no time.

X x x

Maybe it was because they all wanted to put off the inevitable but they did not ring Shelagh to tell her right away. Charles was sure she was going to understand why things had worked out the way that they had.

After all she was a midwife and in the medical profession and so she was going to know why they were pushing Elsie to go for the operation as soon as they could, so they prevented any further spreading of the cancer or any secondary's. Luckily there had not been any which had come to light with scans and so they were hoping for the very best.

Still, not that he was ever going to admit it to his darling Elsie he too felt as if they were letting their eldest child down somewhat – and a taunting little voice in the back of his head said it was it the first time they had done that.

True enough they had kept all the others – but that had been down to timing and certainly not because they had loved them anymore.

Of course one solution to this entire thing would be for him to go down to London on his own but there was a whole host of problems with that.

Firstly, his big mouth. One way or another he always put his foot in it he felt and you only got one chance at a first impression. This was the most important first impression of his life. He would do much better if he had his wife by his side. Secondly, he did not want to rush off to London when he knew that was the only thing in the world that Elsie wanted to do. She was the one who had carried and nurtured the girl and then she had missed her all her life. To take her chance to see their girl without her would be nothing short cruel. And then there was just the fact he could not bear to leave her now.

His heart couldn't with stand it if he was away when she needed him. He had to be there when she went into hospital and he had to be there to bring her home and that was all there was to it.

But he did not want his girl to be on her own either.

That was the last thing he wanted when they had come so far.

What if she took this cancellation as something which it was not?

No. He decided then and there he had to send a substitute. Someone from the family who would reiterated the truth to her.

As the eldest, maybe it should be Thomas but if he knew his son at all then he was not going to leave his mother – nor was William.

That left only one candidate.

"You won't mind a trip down to London over the next few days, will you Anna?"

He could see her go to protest before understanding stopped her. She looked startled for just a moment before becoming stoic – her mother's daughter, entirely.

"It'll be an adventure, dad," she said as she took his hand and squeezed it. If it was up to her then she would not met her sister before her parents got the chance too. But if this was what they wanted then she would not deny them.

X x x

Charles looked at the number on the page.

So this was his Shelagh's phone number. As he looked at it and imagined talking to his daughter all he could feel was the weight of her in his arms so many years ago. And the awful pain when he had had to give her up.

As the one who had come up with the idea to send Anna to Shelagh in Elsie place, Charles felt as if he should also be the one to tell her the news.

And there was no time like the present to do that.

He looked at his daughter's neat hand on the letter and felt a burst of pride.

Then he dialled the number she had supplied.

He had been so amazed by her hand writing – that he was touching something she had – that it was not until he heard the ringing of the other end that he let himself acknowledge that he was very soon going to hear her voice.

"Hello?"

No. there was something in him which knew it was not her on the other end of the line. Other than the fact the voice was far too mature.

"May I speak with Shel – Bernadette? It is Charles Carson."

He did not know if it was a very good idea to give his name but he knew he did not want to panic the girl when she picked up the phone. But he did not want to get the phone put down on him either.

"I will just see if she can come to the phone…" said a voice that suddenly understood the gravity of the situation.

"Thank you."

Then there was silence. He did not think his heart had ever beat so fast just from being on the phone before.

He shut his eyes and took a deep breath.

And realised there was then someone who was breathing on the other end.

So this was it.

"Hello?" he asked. He was not entirely sure the word had not come out as a jumbled mess.

"Hello." Her voice was small and seemed timid to him. He would go gently for the last thing he wished to do was startle to her.

"This is Charles Carson." She knew it but he did not think it would hurt to say it again.

"Yes."

It was as if they were her first words. He remembered that rush of pride when Thomas had said 'mama' and Anna had said 'dada' and William – ever the original – had gone with 'car' as his first.

But it had been three moments which he was never going to forget. And now he had a fourth. It was as if he had completed the sat at long last.

Two words he had heard his eldest child say…. Two words.

But he knew he had to get on with the reason with why he had called.

"She – Bernadette," it was so hard to think of her with any other name save the one they had given to her when she was a baby but he knew he was going to have too. Bernadette was the name she had gone by her entire life.

Yet she had always been Shelagh to him.

"I have got a bit of news about your m-mother, I am afraid," he said as he stumbled over the word which was most important. Would he get shouted down for daring to refer to Elsie as such when another woman had brought her up?

And it was only when the words were out of his mouth he knew how it had sounded…

"Is she ok?" The panic was clear in her voice.

This was not want he wanted.

"She is ok but the date for her operation has been moved forward…"

Bernie could see where this was going but she could not say she cared too much.

"That is wonderful news!"

"Yes – yes it is but…."

"It means she cannot come to London as soon as – " we'd liked – "we planned. It is fine. I - we can wait."

What were a few more months after 28 years?

But nevertheless she was touched by the fact his voice sounded a lot softer when he spoke again.

"But you do not have to if you do not want too. Your sister – our Anna – could not be more excited to meet you and wants to come in our place is that is ok."

The last thing in the world he wanted was for her to feel or to think they did not want to come or were not bothered when that was just the furthest thing from the truth. And she could hear it in his voice.

Her sister. It was an alien concept.

"I would like that very much."

Damn it! Her voice had broken on the last word.

"Good," he said huskily. "Then as soon as she is up to it Elsie and I will be on the first train down."

He did not need to see to know that was nodding.

At that moment Julienne came to her side and took her hand…

Bernie did not think she had ever been so glad to have her there with her.

"Well I will see you soon."

Again she was nodded.

"Goodbye," he longed to say he missed her. That he had always loved her and she had never been out of his thoughts or heart –"my darling girl."

It was all he could have for then but he was going to take it.

"Bye…"

Bernadette put the phone down let her mother put her arms about her.

Then she sobbed.

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	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

"I can't believe I am letting her down like this," said Elsie as Charles packed her hospital bag.

"My darling, you have got to have this operation and get it done with so you can have more time with all four of the kids."

He let it hang in the air.

"All four of the kids," she said with a smiled.

Charles nodded with a hum. "And it is not as if no one is going to go and meet her."

"Thank god for our Anna," she said with a brave smile and he nodded.

Their daughter was a good choice he believed. The more he thought on it, the more he believed it. While her taste in men left a lot to be desired he knew she was a good and sensible girl.

She had her head screwed on and while she was going to struggle no doubt to keep her emotions in check, he did not think he could blame her for that. She was going to do them proud and it was an emotional situation.

But the fact remained that when their daughter came back into the fold it should be them who were greeting her for the first time.

Neither of them could shake that feeling but there was nothing to be done.

They had done what they could and no one could say fairer than that.

X x x

There were those alive in the world who would quite cheerfully bet their last pound on the fact that Lady Mary Crawley did not have a heart.

The it girl of her day, there were far too many people who would judge her – it was not as if there was no one to judge her against.

Her sister Lady Edith for all her wealth had decided that she would follow the usual route for a girl who went to Ripen Grammar – go to university, study a 'proper subject' – English in her case – and then get a job. Edith was a writer for Private Eye magazine – or she would be once her internship was up. Through her place there she hoped she was going to be able to keep people abreast with the political news of the day, with a satirical twist.

As for her sister Lady Sybil, she had decided to the throw away her heritage completely and though still in the beginnings of her career, she was determined to become a doctor – and one who would work solely for the NHS no matter how hard things got.

Private might be where the money was – but it was in the NHS where the patients who really needed help were.

And so that was where she was going work.

Thus with one Crawley sister going into medicine and the other looking forward to trying make a name for her in the news forum an political writer, it was no great surprise that when people heard that model Mary Crawley was going to the south of France for a vacation form her hectic schedule, there were those who laughed.

Luckily for Mary Crawley she had never given a rat's arse about what those type of people thought.

And she did have a heart; there were two people who knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt.

One of them was her cousin many times removed Matthew just back from his latest tour of duty.

Of late, the reasons she had been cancelling engagements was not too sun herself but to sit by his bedside as he tried to find a way through the PTSD which had been troubling him ever since he had got home.

And the other person was her best friend since before she could remember – Anna Carson.

After she had been designated as the one to go and see her sister instead of her mother, Anna had rang two people: John and Mary. John had said he was more than happy to pack up work for the week if he could get the annual leave and go down to London with her but Anna wondered if she needed a girlfriend with her instead of her boyfriend this time.

It was a different vibe between her and Mary and she felt as if she was going to hold it together slightly more with her rather than John which was what she needed to do.

While she had many question of her own, and she was going to get answers to as many as she could – for if she had not become a PA then surely she would have become a detective as her father was fond of saying - her parents had made it clear they wanted her to give more answers than she asked questions.

She was not to put her sister under any pressure.

When she had gone to Mary and told her what was before her, her friend had not had to be asked if she would go with her. She had asked what time _they_ left. Anna could not help but think they were the best kind of friends to have.

"What is it like to have a sister?" she asked as the two of them made their way down to London from Yorkshire, sitting opposite each other on the train.

"Well; it entirely depends on whether you have a sister like Sybil or a sister like Edith," Mary said dryly as she flipped through Vogue.

Anna could have predicted that answer.

The Crawley sisters she knew for a fact loved one another. She had seen it with her own eyes. When they were down on their lucky then the other two were going to come their sister's aid. But that did not mean they were not going to snipe at each other in between.

She hoped that she and Shelagh were going to be like that without the fighting.

She knew they were not going to do each other's hair and gossip about boys from the first.

But this was still a good thing.

And she had to focus on the good things in life.

"If I know you, you are going to end up with a sister like Sybil." Mary said kindly as the silence begun to drag on. Quite asides from anything else Mary could not imagine Anna fighting with any one the way she fought with Edith.

She just wasn't built that way. She didn't have the energy to put into something like that.

She did not think she was ever going to be any ones fool but if there was one thing Mary knew about Anna it was that she was kind.

And as much as she could she didn't judge.

That was not to say Anna was not a women of strong morals for she was – and Mary had to wonder if she ever thought about the decision that her mother had made and questioned it – but the last thing she would do was wallow.

It was done and there was no changing the past.

The future however – well, they could do something about that.

X x x

Evangelina had offered to come over if that was what Julienne and Shelagh wanted but in the end they had chosen to meet Anna alone, at their house, the afternoon tea plan shelved for now.

This was the start of something new. But it was also something private.

Shelagh had to admit to a moments disappointment when he had heard neither Elsie or Charles were going to come once she had got off the phone and begun to digest that she really had just hear the voice of a man she was biologically related to for the first time. She had never heard what one of her blood relatives sounded like before – not once in her life.

But she was a nurse and she knew this operation had to be done as soon as it could be. She certainly felt no anger because of it.

The sooner she had the op done then the sooner Elise could start her course of treatment and god willing the sooner she was going to be in remission.

She wanted that for Elsie more than anything. If they were ever going to get a chance to meet and may be get to know each other then she needed her birth mother to be healthy. She certainly want to add any pressure to a woman who was unwell. She didn't want her travelling when she was not well enough too….

And if the two of them were not meant to be… then she wanted her to recover for the sake of these three new siblings of her.

They needed their mum.

All she had seen of her family so far were pictures which she had been sent.

The pictures had arrived by first class delivery the day after she had spoken with her father on the phone.

At first she had wondered if it was another letter from her mother when she had seen the Yorkshire stamp mark but as she opened it she found out she was wrong.

 _Just so you know who is coming._

 _Anna x_

That was all her sister had said in their first communication.

It seemed silly in some ways but she was so glad she had had the foresight to send them - she hadn't realised that she had wanted to know her face before they met.

She had opened the envelope they had been sent in to see Anna's face first. Her first impression was how pretty she was with her wide smile, open eyes and blonde hair. There seemed to be something kind about her – maybe she just wanted it to be there but she did not think so. There was something about Anna you could trust.

Then she had turned to the next one and found a picture of Anna with two men, all three of them in terrible Christmas jumpers and one of them obviously under much duress.

Thomas and William.

Then she had looked through the other pictures.

One of her parents smiling in the sunshine at a big old house, another of the two of them enjoying a picnic with who she presumed were friends.

Her parents faces. These were her parents faces.

 _Mum and dad before going out for their twenty fifth anniversary meal!_

She wondered who had chosen the pictures as the next one was of Anna and an older gentlemen who had Shelagh had no doubt was her boyfriend.

A quick looked over the pack told her the man's name was John Bates. Anna had carefully labelled each one…

Her sister had neat writing.

The two of them looked as if they were happy together and Bernie prayed John was a good man. Her younger sister – which was a bizarre thought - deserved a good man.

She did not know Anna from Eve yet but she knew that.

Then she had looked on. There were pictures of Anna out for a few drinks with the girls and Bernadette automatically recognised Mary Crawley.

She was not one for gossip magazines but there were some faces you just knew even if you did not read them. She wondered what the connection there was.

Thomas was obviously the older of the two, she thought as she turned to another picture of her three siblings together, sitting in a pub. William still had a bit of growing into himself to do but her eldest brother was a man.

So she could finally place them all in a line.

She had looked across at a picture of herself on the mantel piece, then at the picture of Thomas, Anna and William.

The four of them had been born out of the same love.

Just one of them had been born too early.

The doorbell ringing broke her out her thoughts.

X x x

"You know you are meeting your sister not going in to a jungle. The worst that happens is that she does not want to be part of the family."

Mary Crawley only realised how that sounded once she had let the words out of her mouth.

She turned to Anna to say sorry but already her friend was shaking her head, telling her not to worry. In her own special way, the PA understood her boss was just trying to calm her nerves.

But she was right – until Anna remembered her mother's heart could break, and the fact either one of she or Shelagh might be caring the breast cancer gene… asides from that, Shelagh rejecting her was the worst that could happen.

At last the two of them were there in the little street in Poplar. As they drove down it Anna wondered if this was where her big sister had been brought up or if this was a recent move for the family.

"Well – here goes nothing." She sighed as she looked out the window.

"If she does not want to know you then she isn't worth knowing," Mary reminded her firmly. As cold and blunt as she could be, Anna valued having he best friend with her more than she could say.

Anna nodded her head as she tried to believe that, getting out of the taxi on to slightly unsteady legs. She turned to pay but Mary had got the fare already.

"Thank you."

"Rubbish – my treat," she said brightly and only slightly teasingly.

Number 26. That was where they – her sister and her family - lived and there was a 26 on the door in front of her.

She had dreamt of this day since she was a very little girl. She had always wanted her sister back – and now she was with in hugging distance and it just felt bizarre.

Mary gave her a nod and that was apparently the all it needed for her to walk up to the door and knock on it.

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	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

Bernadette got up steadily at the knock on the door and nodded to her mother.

So here they were. What felt the point of no return? Wellm it was.

She breathe deeply and it hit her for the first time she was about to meet someone who she shared DNA with. That in itself was a bizarre thought – all of this, everything about it was strange. She wondered if she would feel it yet there was only one way to find out.

She opened the door and for just a moment there was stunned silence as the three young women had a chance to look at each other. There was a blonde and a brunette and she was once more glad she had had the pictures sent to her so she knew who to address.

"Hello – I'm Bernadette," Bernie said at last as Anna continued in her silence for just a moment.

Anna and Bernie had similar colouring and Mary Crawley thought the shape of their eyes really was quite similar. Of course where they had been raised so far apart their mannerism would be very different. Between their accents there would be no resemblance. Now they were here Mary thought Anna's Yorkshire was a little broader than normal, as it always was in London and Bernadette definitely had a bit of a London twang but for all that, she felt sure if the two of them were put in a line up she could pick them out as the as the sisters they were.

She watched as the two of them looked at each other no doubt looking for what she was able to see, any features that were the same.

Looking for themselves in each other.

She had the oddest urge to call Sybil and even Edith.

At long as last the nerves which Anna had been feeling all day seemed to abandon her all at once.

Here she was. The big sister she had dreamt of since new the day she had heard of her.

All the reserve which had been keeping her natural warmth at bay was gone and she threw her arms about Bernadette before she said anything, who embraced her in return. Mary averted her eyes feeling this was a private moment and no one had the right to intrude on this.

Apparently she was not the only one thought so.

"Why don't we go and put the kettle on?"

Mary had barely noticed Shelagh's adoptive mother when they all stepped into the hallway but now she did she saw an attractive women in middle age with kind but very knowing eyes.

She was clearly not the type to suffer fools.

"What a good idea!" she beamed as they made themselves scare, not that the two sisters noted. Compared to the houses she and Anna had grown up in Yorkshire, it seemed to her this was quite a small place but the pictures on the mantel piece told her this home belonged to a family of three.

They had needed no more space than they had.

"My name is Mary."

She had a feeling she did not need to say that but for the sake of being polite…

"My name is Julienne," she said with a smile. She was not one to read gossip magazine and the likelihood of her believing what was printed within them was even smaller.

Yet she did feel as if she was on the defence that day and she had a right to be.

"It is nice to meet you."

It was a bizarre set of circumstance at no mistake, but that was no reason not to be good-mannered.

"How was the journey?"

"Nothing too bad, a slight delay at Doncaster but then we made good time."

"Are you staying far from here?"

Downton Abbey had gone in to the hands of the trust before she had been born but she was so glad that there house at in London had been kept in the family and it was a very useful base. Not that they were using it this time.

"At Grosvenor Square – with my aunt actually." There had been no point in opening the house for just the two of them.

"How long are you going to stay in London?"

"No more than a night or two I would think Anna will want to be home with her mother before too long." Elsie's surgery was to be performed the next morning so of course she was going to want to get back to her.

"Of course. How is she?"

"Bearing up."

There was an uncomfortable silence.

"I know this is a hard situation on them both but Anna is a very dear friend of mine and she is going through a lot right now. I would hate to see her further hurt."

"I do understand – like you sat this is a very hard situation and Bernie is my daughter. I would not have hurt either."

So they both knew where they stood.

"Anna could not hurt a fly, not even if she tried - it is not in her nature."

"And you will be pleased to know it is not in her sisters either."

Mary could only hope that was true.

X x x

"I can't believe it is really you." Anna choked back a few tears. If she had ever said she was not going to cry when she got here then she was now a liar.

"I am still trying to believe I really have a sister, let alone that you are here."

Anna could only imagine. "I must have been quite a shock. Me and the boys."

"Yes." Bernadette nodded. That she thought was still the most surprising part of the letter. She had known her parents were young and had assumed part of the reason she had been given up was because they had had to split up. Never had she dreamt that they were going to make it through together after all these years.

"I did not think I would have one sibling, let alone three, that is for sure."

"Please do not think badly of mum and dad for it."

Bernadette shook her head. "I don't. How is she?"

Anna's face shone and she said the only word in the world she could think of.

"Brave."

That was how she was.

"And in good hands."

The doctors at the hospital had been positive and their dad was with her so yes she was in very good hands indeed.

"It must have been quite a shocked to get mums letter."

There was no denying that. "It was but now I look back on it, part of me wonders if there was a part of me deep down that knew it was coming." She had been thinking about her biological family more and more after all. Maybe she had known.

"That could not have been an easy letter for Elsie to write."

Anna shook her head. It hadn't been. "She did not want to do it like that. She does care. So much. Please don't be angry with her."

Bernie shook her head. "If I had gone to a bad family then maybe I may have done but I didn't."

She had gone to good parents.

And she knew Elsie cared. Had she not, she would not have bothered putting pen to paper.

"I had a wonderful childhood. " She had no anger or regrets.

Only gratitude's.

As sorry as she was to not grow up with her siblings, she would not have missed the upbringing Julienne and Charles had given her for anything in the world.

"I am so glad." Anna admitted. She was the first to say she had at one time or another resented the choice her mother and father had made. She had feared for her sister.

"I was safe and loved."

At all times. Not even all kids who were brought up by their biological parents could say that.

It was a relief Anna knew and it was going to be even more so for her mum. The way Bernie was talking there was nothing to forgive and so there was a chance in the future that her mother may yet get to forgive herself.

"What were they like as parents?" Bernadette asked.

Anna paused for a moment and found in an odd her loyalties were torn. Would it bring her sister comfort if she said they were less than wonderful and she was therefore able to believe she had had nothing short of a lucky escape or would it just make her worry about the three of them who had got left behind?

But then she looked again and she saw she needed no comfort. Her sister had been honest with her and she was sure she owed her the same compliment in return.

"They were good parents – they _are_ good parents. I mean I am not going to say they never got it wrong but I know they always tried and loved us even when they did not like us."

Bernadette smiled. That was a sentiment she recognised.

She had heard it once or twice.

"Mum always worked even when we were small but she was always there when we needed her.

"She is a very understanding woman and knows us three like the back of her hands. She loves chocolate and she won't admit it but she loves Emmerdale too."

Bernie smiled as she thought Julienne was much the same way with Eastenders. There was something about the way that she always knew what was going on in the square.

"Dad… dad is a man who likes to see things done properly. He has a lot of strong values which he can't quite let of until he absolutely has too," she said as she put some serious thought in to how she would describe her father. She had never had to do it before. "But he can do it for those he loves and he will.

"He has a good sense of humour and he is loyal. He worships the ground mum walks on and has always been there for me." She wasn't sure if Thomas would say the same but that was for him to reveal as and when the time came.

"My adopted father was called Charles as well – it's funny isn't it?"

Anna nodded with a light laugh before she realised what her sister had said.

"Is it long since you've lost him?"

"It feels a lot longer some days than others."

Anna was not at all sure that Bernie was the right question to be asking this to but she could not stop the words coming out.

"What was it like?"

"When we lost him? Fairly awful. No actually it was entirely awful. I know it is the natural orders of things – your parents are meant to die before you do but in the end it felt as if it all happened so quickly that we had no time to say good bye or to have any prepartion for life without him, not that you can prepare yourself.

"Mum is the most capable women I know, she always has been," Bernie told her and for the first time she knew she had referred to Julienne in front of her sister as her mother but if it bothered Anna then she did not bat an eye lid. "But she went to pieces."

Anna did not think Charles was able to function with her mother some days so she did not like to think what was going to become of him of she did not have her there to keep her on the straight and narrow.

He would…

And then there was the three of them kids. They would try to take care of their dad but she knew for a fact they were going to just do it wrong and make it all worse and before she knew it she had her head in her hands as she worried and it was then she remembered where she was.

"Oh God I am so sorry!"

"You do not have to be. I know how scared you are."

She had been there before.

"You are going through this for a second time."

The two things were very far removed from one another Bernie thought initially before allowing that they were akin to each other in her mind.

She had felt a massive, overwhelming grief when she had lost Charles and she was going to feel she had lost something very precious if the worst happened now…

"But we are not there yet Anna," said Bernie gently.

The blonde nodded. "Sorry I didn't meant to – well, it has been an emotional few weeks. But then I do not have to explain that you." Bernadette shook her head.

There was no need to explain at all.

"It can't have been easy."

But shook her head. "It has not been. But there has been joy to it as well and days like today make it easier."

Shelagh could tell she meant that – she was not just sating it to be kind. Somehow she knew that was not Anna's style.

"How do you think your mother and Mary are getting on?"

"Well – well, but not as famously as we are! I just hope they bring that tea through soon."

For the first time, the sisters laughed together.

X x x

Half a tray of dairy milk later and Shelagh had told Anna the beginnings of what she needed to know about her – what it was like growing up in London, about the wonderful wider family she had had and the beginnings of her career as a midwife.

"I cannot even begin to imagine the job satisfaction you get."

Bernadette nodded. "There can be great sadness which comes along with it but your right. Coming home after a successful delivery knowing mum and baby are well and are beginning a whole new life together – there are not many things which can match that."

It was for that feeling that made the moments of sadness worth it.

In return, Anna told her about growing up in Yorkshire, being in and out of Downton Abbey her whole life and attending the village school. Then about working with Mary and meeting John.

"Has there never been a man on the picture for you?"

"Oh I would not say never – there have been one of two boyfriends along the way but no one I could ever be more serious about," Bernadette admitted. "That is still in my future I hope."

Anna nodded. "I am sure it will be."

Her sister was beautiful, funny and intelligent. As far as she was concerned, any man who didn't fall in love with her was a fool.

All in all, Bernadette could only say that the afternoon went far too quickly. She had not thought she was going to feel as if she knew Anna so well already but she did – whether it was because the two of them were related or just down to Anna's easy going, open nature she was not sure. But whatever one it was she was grateful.

They took an hour to be on their own and then they had called Julienne and Mary in so they could join the conversation.

Bernadette wondered if thing as had been a little frosty on that score but she knew she would get the low down on that later on.

Far too soon the visitors had decided it was time to put on their coats.

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to stay for dinner?"

"It is so kind of you to offer –" Anna said as she tried to think of a polite way to decline without seeming rude.

"But it has been a long day for us both, mum," Bernie saved her. "I think Anna is a bit tired."

She knew she was.

"Soon though," Anna chipped if. "If the offer still stands."

"It will stand until you take us up on it," Julienne said as she gave her a kiss on her cheek. She approved of Anna enormously. Charles and Elsie clearly made good children together.

"Then I will be back."

"God bless you my dear."

Anna then turned to Bernadette who had said good bye to Mary whilst she had been with Julienne.

"Don't be a stranger, will you?" Anna asked.

"After this afternoon we could never be strangers again."

Not so long ago they would not have known each other if they had walked passed each other on the street.

But everything was different now.

"Will you give me a ring? Tell me how tomorrow goes?"

Anna nodded. "Of course I will – as soon as I know, you will." She could not say fairer than that.

"Well then – I will see you soon - sis."

A big smile appeared on Anna's face. She liked the sound of that.

X x x

"I want to go up to Yorkshire." After her meeting with Anna that was the one thought in Bernadette's head. Being with her sister had been incredible – it was something beyond what's he had imagined.

She had never had a sibling before and had so desperately wanted one when she had been younger.

Why her parents had not adopted again she was not sure. May be it was a simple as the fact they were content with the three of them being there family and as she had got older she had been too but as a younger girl and women she had missed the comradery of a sibling.

Julienne had been expecting that when she had seen the way the two girls were together. It was a joy to her heart. Yes, she and Mary had been a bit frosty with each other to begin with but they were not the ones who mattered.

"Do you mind?"

Bernadette wondered if she was for ever going to feel this torn between who she had been raised to be and the family she had been born into.

She was not going to lie – it did feel to her as if she was committing some kind of betrayal. Her mother said it was fine but within hours of meeting a Carson she wanted to know the whole lot of them.

Julienne smiled. "I have told you once and then I have told you a thousand times…"

"Don't exaggerate," the two of them said in unison, laughing at Charles' old saying as Julienne brushed a hand through her daughter's soft hair.

"You are my daughter and I am your mother. But that is only because there was a woman out there who was brave enough to admit she couldn't keep you. I owe Elsie Carson a lot. No I don't mind."

Julienne had been thinking about Elsie a lot lately – of course she had been. She was well able to remember the first night she had bright her daughter home and how she had stood over her crib and said a pray for her mother, that she was going to be safe and loved and find some peace in her days. She was so glad that she had – she had to in order to have raised such a fine woman as Anna.

She had given Bernadette and their family the space which they had needed and respected what her child wanted absolutely.

Julienne had to do the same.

"I want to go and met my younger brothers."

"Of course you do." Julienne nodded reminding herself this was about so much more than her biological parents. No doubt having siblings there was a big draw.

And when she had got on so well with Anna there was no reason why she might not get on with the two boys that way as well.

"And I want to see _her."_

God willing she was going to get through this just fine but there was a small torturous voice in the back of her mind that said what if she was running out of time with Elsie before she had had any at all?

What if this was her one chance?

Her biological parents had said they were going to come to long son as soon as they could and she knew they had no wish to put her out but the way she saw it this was not putting her out. This was her finding something she had never felt she had needed to find before. But now she did.

Julienne nodded, watching her with proud eyes.

"I think she wants to see you too." _And if she did not then she was the biggest fool in all the world, my sweet daughter._

"Mum?"

"Yes my darling."

"Will you come with me?" Bernadette asked that question in a small and shy voice. She did not mean to make it any harder on her mother than it had to be but at the same time she knew she had to start listening to her or Julienne was going to be to be annoyed at her. She had said she was fine with this and her mother was no liar.

And so she could ask her to come with her. Because she knew this was going to be hard – and emotional – and maybe she was ever going to get quite confused at times…. But she did need her mother with her to do this.

She knew she did.

"Of course I am going to come with you if you want me there," she said as she stepped forward to take her in to her arms as she had done when she was a small girl.

The truth was, if she had not asked her to go then she would have been more worried.

When Bernadette got to Yorkshire, Julienne knew what she was going to find. A family who was thrilled to see her but one who also had its own cares and worries right then.

And no matter how much they wanted to make sure they welcomed her in to the fold, as they should they were going to want to make sure there mother and wife was alright even more which was just the way that it should be given the circumstances.

"I don't think I am going to able to do this without you…"

Julienne somewhat doubted that. She was of the opinion her daughter could and generally did do anything which she set her mind to.

But if she was needed there was no way she was going to stay away.

"You won't have too."

X x x

"Today went better than I ever thought it was going to," admitted Anna. She had been so afraid when she had been on her way. She had no idea how she was going to be received but it had all worked out for the best. Her sister had been lovely. "I cannot believe how lucky I am." She said with a happy little laugh.

She felt as if she was walking on air when she got back to the Lady Rosamunds town house.

She had spent all afternoon with her sister and the good news was they got on – better than any other news in the world was that they got on. Not only were they sisters but she felt sure they were going to be friends well.

Mary was not one given to unbridled joy but she was happy to see Anna so contented for the first time in a while. Her friend needed that joy in her life so she was happy it had been a success.

"Well if you ask me I think she is the lucky one."

"And you are not terribly biased." Anna said with a smile as she took her coat off.

"Biased I may be but wrong I am not." Mary shrugged. "You seemed to have a lot to talk about."

"Twenty off years of life," Anna smiled happily.

But now they had all the time in the world and they were going to need to make up for it.

Nothing could make her happier than that day had unless she could npw go and have a bit of time with John right there and then but he was up in Yorkshire. So the best she was going to be able to do was to call him.

But before that she knew she had to catch put on some emails.

Mary had been good to her and shew as her friend. She was also her boss and she didn't have to worry about keeping her on side… but she did not want to take the micky.

In the morning her mother would have her surgery – but before that Anna was going to be able to ring and give her the good news as well that her daughter was well.

That she knew was going to be a priceless gift to Elsie.

Anna headed upstairs to make her phone calls and get her work done, knowing in all honesty she had already done a good days work.

 _Please review!_


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

Anna had just made herself and Mary a cup of tea when the phone rang.

"Hi dad."

"Hello darling girl."

At that moment Anna knew all was not well. She knew her father a hell of a lot better than he would like at times and this turned out to be one of their times - he knew it as the silence drew on.

"She is ok," he said in order to try and reassure her but even he was able to hear the doubt in his voice.

"Dad what is it?"

"They did get some of the cancer out but they did not get all of it so – they are going to have to operate again."

Damn.

That had not been the news she had wanted when she had picked up the phone.

"But it is still all in the same site?"

"It is, thank the lord."

Then she knew what she had to do and that was to focus on the positives.

They were there.

"Then we are going in the right direction." It was not where they wanted to be but it was a start.

Some of it was out.

 _Some._

But she knew if she was left to dwell on this then she was going to stew. She had to keep moving.

"Dad, how are you doing?"

"Oh I am fine," he blustered but she was not sure if she believed that.

"Make sure you eat something and get a bit of sleep."

The boys were not going to be thinking like that so she knew she had too.

It was on the tip of his tongue to tell her not to fuss but the knowledge she did it because she cared so that stopped him.

"Will you let She – Bernadette know?"

"Of course I will."

Charles would not have asked but they knew each other now – they were real to each other.

And that was one call he did not think he was up to right then.

"I'll get it done dad. I love you."

"I love you too."

She said goodbye and hung up before she turned to Mary who had been by her side throughout the conversation.

"Did you get all of that?"

Mary nodded and Anna was glad. She could have gone through it with her if she had to but she was glad she didn't.

"I am going to have to call Bernadette."

"Of course you are, but do give yourself a minute to breathe Anna."

But she did not want to for fear that she was going to get a sinking feeling within her and give way to emotions she wanted in check.

This was not a defeat as she was not going to allow it to be.

"We need to go home today."

Mary nodded. "I will book the tickets."

X x x

When Bernadette had picked up the phone she had been so excited to hear the voice of her sister. Even though they had met now it was a thrill. She had been anxiously waiting for the call all morning, but she had to admit even though she was a nurse she had not really allowed herself to consider the fact they might get news other than that which they wanted.

And now they had she felt a little crushed by it.

"I am going to go back up to Yorkshire today."

That morning when she had been waiting by the phone, Bernadette had begun to imagine they might go for a drink that night to toast their mother's journey back to good health but it did seem as if nothing was going the way she had thought it would.

"Of course you are. Will you take my love with you? Give it to Elsie when you see her?"

The day before it had seemed too informal to do that but now she did not think she gave a fig about the formalities.

Anna nodded with a sad sigh. "Of course I will. And I will ring and keep in contact and I will see you soon, ok?"

"Ok. Safe travels."

And with that, the two sisters put down the phone.

Julienne looked at her daughter having come into the room.

"Oh no – bad news." She knew it just from looking at her.

"No altogether bad – just not the news I wanted."

"Which can be just as hard to take," said her mother rather wisely. "Come and have a cup of tea."

Bernadette knew she was only trying to comfort her but just then it occurred to her that not every problem in the world could be best served by having a cup of tea.

"No – if I do not catch the bus now I am going to be late for work. But thank you." She said as she went over and kissed her mother's cheek.

She had not even left the house yet but she could not wait for the shift to be over with so the day could be done. At least her work was going to offer some escape.

If only for a while.

X x x

The good thing about them living so close to the hospital was that Elsie got to come home between the operations in the hope that it was going to lift her spirits a little and to allow her to get a bit of proper rest in her own bed, with her husband by her side.

When they had got the news that not all the cancer was yet out it had felt like a bit of a crushing defeat.

But she knew they had to try and look on the bright side as well.

"At least they got some of it," she said as she can Charles pulled up on the drive. She had come home with less cancer than she had gone in with and that was a blessed relief.

She knew she had a long way to go. This second operation was only the next step. But it was a start.

Charles nodded as he looked at her and leant over for a kiss.

"We are going to get there," he echoed her thoughts knowing that was what she need from him right then.

Not for him to be stressed and scared as he was inside. But for him to be there for her and to be optimistic.

She had been about to reply when the door to the house opened.

"I cannot remember the last time our two boys were waiting for me on the door step to come home."

"They grew up far too soon," he said with a sad smile on his face. "But I see the way they look at you and they love you just as much now as when you picked them up and brush off their scrapped knees."

For a moment, she wished, wished, wished they were still that small. And she wished she could have just a moment with her husband so they could be alone.

But then she looked at her kids and got out the car.

The boys both came towards her and embraced her as soon as she had got a foot on the drive.

"Any one would think the two of you had missed me," she said as she tried to lighten the mood. She had been away for barely a night.

It did not work overly much as ever she could hear how her voice was shaking as she said the words but then she thought it was the effort that counted.

William and Thomas held on to her gently, eager not to hurt her and not sure how much pressure she could take.

"How are you feeling mum?"

"Oh I am sure she is feeling like a million dollars," Thomas shot back at his brother as it was clear he thought it was a stupid question but Elsie silenced him with a look.

"I am not doing so bad my darling – I am just quite tired."

"Let's get your mother in boys and one of you put the kettle on."

If she did not need a brew then Charles really did.

It had been a long night for them both. But now it was over.

Neither of them dared argue either with their father or with each other and it was not so long until their mother was sitting in the living room looking out of the bay windows thinking how well she was going to sleep that night.

It was a matter of mind over matter she thought to herself and she was not going to let any of it keep her up.

There was no point having to face this tired if she had to face it at all.

Their youngest son walked in to the kitchen, checking his phone as he did so.

"Anna says she will be in around four. I will go and get her from the station. She says she is going to stay at John's tonight though." He said for he did not want his mum and dad worrying over that. Charles gave a grateful nod.

But it was Thomas' reaction to what he had said which caught his eye. His brother seemed to flinch because of the words and he was about to ask why but he stopped himself as he knew whatever it was, it would personal to him and therefore unkind to draw attention to it.

For whatever reason, it got to him Anna was to see John that night. Him picking her up from the station was not going to worry him, surely.

"She is coming home to be us, not bloody him." Thomas pointed out but neither of his parents remarked, and his brother suddenly seemed lost in thought.

X x x

It was clear from the train journey home just how much the mood had changed from when they had been on their way to London.

On the journey down Anna had been full of questions for Mary who did not think she had ever seen her friend in such a mood of nervous energy.

But now she was flat and for hurt her to see.

"Will is going to pick us up at the other end."

"No Anna he is going to pick you up." She had to get back to her family as soon as she could and so if she was able to space her a ride out to the Crawley House she would. Anna raised her eye brows.

Of late she had been so good to her that a ride home was the least she owed her.

"Sybil is not going to mind in the least."

And that was all there was too it.

"Thank you."

"Don't be silly. All I have to do is send a text."

"Not only for that." for so much more…

"I know. But we are friend's Anna and if we did not help each other in times such as these then what good are we to one another?"

"No good at all."

And wasn't that the truth thought Anna.

X x x

It was a rare day that any of the Hughes kids actually got out the car to greet one another at the train station.

But that day William did that day as he picked up at Anna.

He had missed her the previous day and while at times he did not want her comfort there were times when he did as well.

And he was in no doubt they had been missed by her.

"How was it?" he asked as they embraced.

"It was wonderful – she is great Will and can't wait to meet you." A big smile appeared on his face when she at that. "But I will fill you in more on the way home – how is mum?"

"I think she is putting a brave face on it but of course she is disappointed."

As they all were.

"I hate it but we can't all hit the bullseye with the first arrow." She kissed his cheek, trying to be as positive as she could. "Come on you, take me home."

X x x

Anna was of course going to be reporting back to the entire family that night but first all of all she holed up with Elsie, in her parent's room.

Charles had hung back with the boys – in so many ways Anna could not help this was harder on him than he was willing to say and he must be feeling so many things which he did not know what to do with. But they were going to help him with that.

To start with though she just told her mother everything which she could remember from the day before and from the smile on Elsie's face, Anna knew that was just the tonic which she needed.

And Anna's face was alight as she told her what had gone on.

"I am so proud of the way you have handled this. I know me and dad asked a lot of you." By the sounds of it she had dealt with it all beautifully.

Anna nodded. After being away it was strange to come home – she hadn't even been gone more than forty eight hours but that trip had changed her life.

And it was going to change her mother's life too.

"You should be proud of the way _she_ is handling it. She is a nurse you know mum – a midwife," she said was she held on to her hand. "Sent you her love."

 _Sweet girl…_

Elsie shut her eyes at the message and then she nodded, blinking a little. She did know that but she loved to hear the pride which they had clearly installed in Anna too.

"She has done you so proud."

"All you of you do me and your father proud every day."

Anna could only be glad that she thought so.

"I am sorry you know that I got to meet her again before you did."

She knew what a blow it was to her mother.

"I wish I had been there – but mainly to see my two girls in the same room. You have nothing to say sorry for."

They had asked her to do this.

But Anna _was_ sorry for all of this. For the situation in which they found themselves. For the distance her mother was from her eldest child and for her illness. And for the fact the first operation had not been the success they had all hoped it was going to be. She was so sorry for all of that.

Elsie held on to her hand and squeezed it as she shut her eyes. Her mother had been tired Anna thought for as long as she had had babies but this was a new level.

She felt a tear fall down her face and then she leant down in to her mother's arms. She was meant to be one of them being strong.

But suddenly she lost it.

"Oh my girl!" sighed Elsie. She knew there were those who would think Anna should have held it together for her, but as her mother it felt like the best thing in the world she could have done. She had been strong for her but it had been an emotional few days and Anna was very, very human as were the rest of them.

Right then, all her younger daughter needed was the comfort of her mother.

"I am so sorry mum," she said as she tried to get herself together.

"Stop saying that," she hushed her. It felt to her as if Anna was a wee girl again and she was so needed by her and it was lovely. She was needed.

"You don't have to say sorry to me for being sad over this. None of you do." Gods only knew she was sad. But it was the knowledge she had her family were there which was going to keep her strong and fighting this invisible beast.

She was not going to leave them.

"I suspect what you need is to go and see that man of yours." She knew if she was at home she was going to be watching what she said, in the hope of saying the right thing instead of saying what she needed to say.

And she must have so much bottled up inside of her right then.

But she shook her head. "John said about staying over but I think I am going to stay."

"Why?"

"Because you need me here," she felt her heart soften.

"Yes I do – and I am always going to need you Anna but you have been on duty for long enough. You need to take care of yourself and so I am sending you off to see your Mister Bates with no argument ok?"

Anna lips wobbled a little before she laughed with a nod.

"I love you mum."

"Oh my lovely girl, I love you - so much!"

X x x

It had been lovely when she had met her sister but there was still part of her which regretted the fact she had got to first… there had been many mixed emotions.

"I know mum needs her space but it just felt wrong to do it," Anna admitted as she sat in Johns arms. It was good to be back in Yorkshire as much as she had enjoyed her trip to London.

Had they not got the news about Elsie then Anna had a feeling Mary would have pushed the two of them to stay on for another day. She would have made it about work as much as she could but the truth would have been she would have just wanted to give Anna a break and it would have been a sweet thought.

But given everything she was glad to be back.

And she was even happier to be back with John than she would ever say out loud. As wonderful as it had been to see her family, he was the bright spot then.

"It must have been tough but she is going to get to see them when everyone is ready."

And lord knows Elsie had to be as ready as Bernadette was. This was going to a huge day for her and to rush it wouldn't be fair.

"She understood – I do think she is very understanding but – I do worry she is going to think I was pushing her away, or trying to keep something from her."

So much could be misconstrued right now.

"Well then, she is going to know you are not trying to keep her away from anything but just have desire to make sure everything is done right, if she is understanding as you think."

"You know I remember when I was back in year six we did this project on World War Two and Dad loved it. He always loved a good history project. Mum was often the one to get stuck in with homework but she always left the history to him."

"Yes?" John asked as he encouraged her to go on.

He always loved to hear of her life before him to fill in the pieces of how she became the incredible women he loved that day. And to hear of her childhood as well… it had been a happy one – of that he was sure.

"Yeah. And I remember this one because the two of us read Goodnight Mr Tom together. I think when he had done the project with Thomas, the two of them looked into the battles a lot but when we did it together we had kind of a home front focus. Any way the point of the story is that Mr Tom was for ever telling William the evacuee that everything had its own time. That everything was going to happen when it was ready too."

"He sounds as if he was a smart man."

"I think so," she said as she snuggled into his arms.

"It is all just going to get better and better." John sighed.

Anna hoped so because the thought of anything getting worst terrified her.

He ran a hand through her hair as he saw there were tears in her eyes and no wonder.

It did not escape him just how much she had been through of late. And she was not going to get the care she needed at home as there were others who needed the care even more.

But that was where he came in. He could see her and he knew and he was not going to let her suffer in silence.

He put his arms round her and asked no questions and just let her be for a while. And she had never loved him more.

X x x

It was later in the day that William worked it out, as he sat with his parents and brother watching TV.

He looked back at the way he had felt about Thomas and Jimmy and he had to say he felt ashamed. He had felt jealous of them – had converted what they had and wanted it for himself. But since they had found out about their mother a lot had changed and not just his petty jealousy…

They had both seen the way John had been there for Anna and he had also seen the way that Jimmy had been there for Thomas which seemed to William, not at all, and he had to admit there was now only one of his siblings who relationship he wished he could have one like and that was not his elder brother's.

Yet something seemed to have shifted for his brother because at that moment Thomas's face came alight as he read a text which had just come through.

William found himself wishing on a star it was Jimmy and that he was offering to be there for his brother. He hoped he was telling him he was loved and that he was going to come home and help him through what ever came next for them.

And he hoped his brother knew how much he loved him.

X x x

 _Hi Thomas, I know it is has been a while. News just reached me about your mother. I know thinking about you all doesn't help the situation too much but that is what I am doing. If there is anything productive I can do to help, give me a shout. Even if it is just a chat at the end of the day – I am here. All the best, Ed._

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	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

 _Hi Bernadette – mum is having the second surgery today – I will keep you updated. Love, Anna._

X x x

It was the sort of day you had to prepare for when you were a midwife, even though they all dreaded it with all their heart and soul.

Bernadette had no idea what she was walking into.

But as soon as she saw Julienne's face she knew there was something that was wrong.

You accepted that this was going to be part of the job - though of course you would do all you possibly could to prevent it. A mother on their ward, had given birth to a completely healthy baby and she had been completely healthy herself to the naked eye. And then in the night she had passed as she held her son in her arms.

To say they were all distraught was an understatement but as she had been the one to attend the delivery, it was hitting young Cynthia the worst.

Bernadette went in to the staff room to find the young girl sitting between Jenny and Trixie, a usually bright and bubbly girl herself. The three of them had been pretty inseparable since they had arrived and so Bernadette was glad she was there for her. Cynthia need her friends.

She looked newly devastated as she saw Bernadette come into view and it hit her all of the men and women who she worked with were going to find out what she had done. Quite asides the desperate grief she felt for the now single father, there was the shame.

"I did everything I was meant to. I am sure of it." she said pleadingly as if Bernadette was judge and jury. They had always got on since Cynthia had arrived at the training hospital. She was a serious and quiet young midwife but she was as bright as a button and clever.

"I have no doubt that whatever has happened here," Bernadette said steadily. "It is not your fault!"

But that was a comfort which was only going to help Cynthia in the long run and she wasn't ready for it yet. Not until they knew it to be true.

"We do not know this. For all we know this is entirely my fault."

She at the three of them as if she was daring them to say something different.

They did not.

X x x

"It won't have been a thing which she did."

Patsy Mount has the same faith in Cynthia that Bernadette had. "I would lay my last pound on it."

"I am as sure as you are." Delia chipped in, a young new welsh midwife who had joined them of late and had become close to Patsy. "But as cruel as it sounds we are just going to have to wait for the lab report to get back for sure."

" _I am sure."_

Seeing that she was not getting very far Delia went back to her computer and her notes quietly.

"How is the father doing?" Bernie asked.

"As well as he can be expected to do. He has just lost his wife."

Suddenly it all felt just a little too close for Bernie to deal with and so she got up off her chair and went to work.

She checked on the new-borns and the mothers reassuring them as she went. It was not a surprise some of them could not wait to get out to what they saw as to safety. Others were more understanding. But they were all new mums and they had there protective mama bear heads on.

She had seen it with her own mother when she had thought she was in danger from time to time. If she thought she was going to get hurt, then Julienne was going to be there to protect her.

Needing to be on her own but not without company she went to the one place where she could be with her thoughts but also with others.

The nursery. None of the little ones would ask her question.

It struck her just as it always did how innocent the babies were. They had it all ahead of them this crazy thing they called life. May be a few years' time one of the little ones in front of her right then was going to be a midwife as she was and bring other babies in to the world. Or may be one of them we was going to be a banker like her father.

Or may be one of them was going to be PM.

There was so much all them could be. And all she knew was one of the babies born in the hospital during the last twenty four was going to have to do all of it without a mum there to guide him.

She could not imagine what he would be willing to do to get some time with his mother if that was an option. She wondered what you would do if you were denied in the ultimate way time with your mother.

How it would feel.

But then she really did not have to she thought to herself. It could not be that much different to the way she felt about her dear old dad.

Unbidden tears begun to stream down her face. She cried for her mother who had been so excited who was now never going to get to see her little one grow up and she cried for the child that would never know its mum. She cried for Cynthia and the entire ward who were now so shaken. She cried for her mother who looked exhausted after her long night and she cried for her dad because he would want to be here to comfort her mother and could not be.

She cried for a woman miles and miles away from herself, undergoing surgery.

It was only then she became aware that there was someone else in the room who could walk and talk.

"Sorry if I was a bit snappy when we were back in the office," said Patsy as she looked in on the newborns and no doubt felt the same sense of peace which they had given to Bernadette. She had come bearing hot drinks.

The senior midwife shook her head and wrapped her hands around the cup of tea.

"I do not think any of us should take anything to heart today. Thank you."

That was part of the job and she had learnt that early on. That you had to make allowances for emotions. Otherwise they were kept in side and that was good for no one. That was just destructive.

"I hope that little lad has every joy in life. And I hope the best is yet before him," Bernadette murmured not seeing how it could not be.

"I am sure his father will do a good job."

Patsy seemed sure of a lot of things today but maybe that was her way of coping.

"You never know… things change all the time, nothing stays the same. It might not be just the two of them forever." She would never have said such a thing if she were near the father in question but if there was one thing she felt she had learnt of late it was that life had a funny way of sorting itself out.

"Well – you only get one mum don't you…."

For the very first time since she had heard the news which had greeted her when she got in to work she felt a smile creep on to her face.

"Not if you're lucky." She looked at her.

Patsy was so newly arrived to the hospital Bernie knew she did not quite take her meaning but that did not matter.

"I have to go," she said as she looked in at the babies for a last time.

They had so much ahead of them. But the fact was, so did she.

And she knew just where she had to go so she sought out her mother. She was no longer London bound.

"Mum I need to get on a train to Yorkshire today."

Julienne nodded with understanding.

There was no time like the present to go and she did not want to miss any time which she might have. There was one thought in her mind and that was once time was gone it was gone. There were so many things in this life you could in a way get back if they passed on from you but that was not the case with time.

Cynthia was wishing she could turn it back and there was a father with a new baby who was no doubt wishing the same thing and yet neither of them could.

And if she got a call to say her biological mother had died before the two of them a chance to meet again then she knew she was going to be joining them in their sorrowful kinship.

If there had been a point in trying to talk her out of it then Julienne would have tried but she had seen that look on her child's face before and she knew so much better than to even attempt it.

It was not going to work.

Julienne breathed deeply and nodded. She had just had the shift from hell and if the truth was known all she wanted to do was to go to bed with some aspirin and a glass of water and try to blank out everything which had just gone on.

But she was a mother. And she was always going to be a mother first, she had said that the day her daughter had been placed in her arms.

"Then it looks as if I am going to Yorkshire too."

Bernadette smiled as her eyes shone with love. "I know I asked you to come but I know how long this day has been –"

"Hush child," her mother said. There was no way in the world she was going to let her go on her own when she knew was she was going to need her more than ever when she got there. "let's pack our bags and go and get on a train shall we?"

Bernadette nodded. It was time.

X x x

 **Yorkshire…**

Arriving at the hospital, Bernadette felt as if she was ready to question every voice she had ever made.

"Am I disrespecting her decision?"

They had all said she ought to wait for them to call her up and arrange a meeting… and she knew the first time she and Elsie saw one another was a huge moment.

But when she had found out about the mum who died and when Patsy had said what she did about only having the one mum. She had felt as if she had had to fly up here to be at the side of her mother.

"What does your heart tell you?"

"Nothing more than it is beating over time at the moment."

But it was too late for all of that now. They were here.

They walked into the hospital hand in hand. They were mother and daughter united.

Unlike so many people, Julienne and Bernie could take comfort in being in a hospital. This was a place which made sense to them for it was a building of healing and logic.

It was a place people who were sick got better.

They went to the main desk and with a deep breathe Bernadette asked a question which she had once thought she was never going to have any interest in the answer.

"Can you tell me where Elsie Carson is please?"

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	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

Bernadette and Julienne were not the only ones who were turning up to the hospital uninvited that day and just like them, Edward Courtney had no idea if he was doing the right thing.

After he had finished uni, he had gone to live in London but that did not go to say he had forgotten all about his life in Yorkshire and the last thing in the world that he had done was forget about Thomas Carson. He had been his first big love so he had known he was going to remember him all his life long no matter what.

But it was only when he had heard about his troubles with his mother that he had come to realize that the feelings which he had for him were not quite as extinguished as he had thought they were.

The first thing which he had wanted to do was to get on a train and go to him and that was what he had done.

After he had got a warm response from the text he had sent, it had seemed the sensible thing.

Or if not the sensible then the right thing to do.

But now he had arrived he begun to doubt himself – but it was too late for that.

He was already walking down to the family room where he would find him.

Thomas Carson was always going to be special to him and if he got the hint he was needed by his old friend, then he was going to make sure he was there for him no matter what.

So when he turned up and the first thing Thomas did was looked at him as if he had hung the moon and then wrapped his arms about him, he knew he was not going to be going anywhere for a while which was just what he wanted.

He was not going to him face this on his own.

"Are you ok?" he asked with no small degree of tenderness.

"I am – well, I don't know how I am but I am glad to see you."

The words which he was saying just made Ed want to hold him tighter and that was just what he was going to do for as long as he was needed.

He would not let Thomas go through this on his own any more. That he promised.

He was glad to see Thomas was not the only Carson kid with someone there to support them through the day.

"How are you John?"

If he was honest he had never much rated John Bates and he knew Thomas was not overly keen on him either but him and Anna did seem as if they were quite devoted. And he did think maybe now he had underestimated him.

"I am not too bad," he said quietly so as not to disturb the others. Anna was not seated by John but instead was with her father, holding his hand and trying to keep strong for him when it was clear she was struggling herself. John would swoop in when it became obvious that was what was needed.

William sat on the other side of his father - it was clear the entire family were lost in their own prays for the same outcome. For good outcome. So they could take their wife and mother home…

That this time they got all the cancer out and that they could go on to the next stage of the treatment towards her recovery for recover she must.

Any other outcome was not acceptable.

He took a seat by Thomas and wondered vaguely if he had done the right thing. If he should ask about this Jimmy fellow he had heard of and if he was in some way taking advantage of an emotional situation. He hoped not. All he wanted to do was help someone he cared about very much.

They continued to sit in silence until the door opened - he hoped fervently it was a doctor coming to put them all out of their misery and to tell them Elsie was doing well but it was just two other women.

He looked back down at the point of the floor he had been spotting before he registered a change in the room. The atmosphere was different.

Anna got up.

But the silence continued.

X x x

This was going to go down in her life was one of those moments she was never going to forget, thought Bernie.

She had got a text on the train from Anna to say that Elsie had just gone down and so she had known she was not going to get to see her mother when she arrived.

But she was going to meet her biological father.

For the first time since she was an hour old. She looked to Julienne.

"Thank you for coming. I could not do any of this without you." Her mother looked at her knowingly.

"Yes you could. But you don't have too."

And that was the reason she loved her mother so very much.

With that last vote of confidence she put her hand on the door handle and turned into the past as well as the future.

She opened the door, and there he was.

Her father was right in front of her. Older than the other men in the room, Charles Carson was easily identifiable not just from the pictures which she had seen but from the way he was sitting with his head in his hands looking as if he was sitting on the edge of a cliff with no chance whether he was going to go forward or back.

He just had to wait for the verdict.

Thomas was there she saw – with who she would guess with his boyfriend as she knew no different. She saw William too and knew him at once at well.

And then there was Anna who looked as if she was relieved rather than upset to see her there, which meant the world to her. Was this how it felt to be a big sister?

All of the men looked up as she went into the room and she knew all she could do was hope she had made a good call.

"There was a baby born at the hospital last night," she said as she took the story from the very beginning of the day, unsure where to begin for a moment before deciding this was as good a point as any. "We lost the mum. It so rare these days but the more I got to thinking about it the more I needed to be here, because of that." She thought some of the others might need a bit more persuading but Anna did not. Her sister put her arms around her.

Having heard the passion and the love which her sister spoke of her job with, Anna had no doubt that had to be the definition of hell on earth for Bernadette. Therefore she was not going to go through it on her own. And she was so glad she had come here, to them.

"I am so sorry."

" _Is she ok?"_ it was only the second time the two of them had met but it felt somehow that they were old friends already.

"We do not know yet - she is still in surgery." Anna sighed, as she became increasingly aware the two of them were not on their own and were being watched. She turned to her dad. He was the big one here, the one she knew her sister we was going to be most nervous about meeting.

"Dad this is-"

But he was on his feet and he did not need to be told.

X x x

"My daughter," Charles said - that was who the woman in front of him was.

He had known her as soon as she had walked in thought he door.

He did not too many people would see it but she was so like her mother in her younger years that it broke his heart.

Suddenly it all came back – the fear of giving her up and the smell of the maternity hospital and knowing he had to let her go whether he wanted too or not - there was no way for his and her mother to provide for her. There were so many moments in his life which he regretted but he regretted giving her up more than any of the others. Put together… She was their girl and should never have left their sides. But she had.

Charles could have run away in that moment. So much was going on and he did not know how to handle it. But it was not an option.

The two of them looked at one another and just looked... stared.

She had been so focused on her mother that she had at one point forgotten her father and the effect meeting him would have on her.

Julienne was behind her and she could feel her pushing her onwards.

It was Charles who found his voice first but nothing that made sense came out.

He had longed to have her back in his life since the day she had been given away and here she was.

The boys and Anna were there and all four of his babies were in the same room for the first time ever. And their mother – the woman who had brought all of them into the world – wasn't there to see it.

For the first time that day he realised he had let his wife leave his mind because he just had no idea who on earth she was talking about for a while.

"We are waiting to find out."

That was why they were all here in this little room he thought. Or had Anna answered already, as to how her mother was? He didn't know. All he knew was his daughters were here, his sons…

"Can I wait with you? I know Anna said to wait before I came to Yorkshire but –"

He had held himself back for as long as he could. Charles Carson had the chance to hold first born child for the first time since she had been a tiny girl and as much as he knew she might not appreciate it – he had been to throw his arm about them.

For the moment Bernadette was not sure what to do here. She had just wanted news of her mum – and for her mother not to die. But her father…

He was there before her, around her and his life was not in danger. He was warm and real and there. She had come in part from him.

Were the two of them parts of each other?

Up until she had rejected the idea vehemently but yes she thought to herself now. Yes they were.

She was as much a part of him as she was of her mother, the woman who had brought her up and taught her right from wrong, who stood back and let the man who had given her the greatest gift she had ever been given hold his child.

Julienne felt tears well in her eyes.

"Of course you can –" he said as he kissed her forehead, remembered himself and stepped back. "Of course you can."

She was surprised by how sad she felt when he did that… but maybe it was no surprise. For the first time since Charles Newgarden had died she had experienced a father's love –

And she wasn't going to deny it.

"How are you?" he asked.

Was she well? Had she been happy? Was everything as it should have been when she had been growing up?

He had never had so many questions in his head at once in his life.

She nodded.

"Good – good."

Together they sat down, with Julienne taking a seat in the corner.

She met the eyes of all four other men in the room and shared a small smile with them.

She had to admit she felt as if she stuck out like a sore thumb until she realised she too wanted nothing more than good news on Elsie.

And in a way… they were her family.

One way or another she had a place here.

It was as they sat down Charles felt as if he came back to reality.

For a moment he had felt as if he was truly dreaming – he had hoped and prayed his daughter was going to come back into his life for so long that he wondered if he had gone mad at last and just imagined her return.

But as he rubbed his eyes, he came to and yet Bernadette – his baby Shelagh – was still there. And so were her brothers and sister.

"Thomas, William – this is -"

"We know dad!" said Thomas.

He was not going to give her a hug – quite frankly for a moment he had thought there dad was going to knock her off of her feet but he was surprised by the rush of warmth he had knowing she was there – he had resented her when they were young and it was not all gone.

But he did not dislike her. He had no cause to. Their mum was in the hospital and if she did not care then she would not have come and he was not going to have a go at her for caring about their mother.

"It's nice to meet you –"

"You as well."

 _After all these years._

William was not as restrained as his brother and got up to give her a cuddle.

"It's so good to see you. Our Anna's told us all about you!"

"She told me all about you – but I can't wait to hear more from the horse's mouth!"

Anna beamed on sight of the two of them together.

"This is my John – and that's Edward – Thomas's friend."

What with the situation with Jimmy she was not sure if there was any more to tell than that.

If and when there was then it was up to Thomas to tell her.

It was then Bernadette realised she had an introduction to make.

Having nodded and said how nice it was to meet those who had turned up to support her siblings, she turned to the one who had come to support her.

"This is Julienne Newgarden – my mum."

Anna greeted her with a kiss.

"It's nice to see you again."

"And you."

Bernadette had thought about saying her adoptive mother but she hated the distance which it seemed to imply in that moment. She was her mum as she had always been her mum and she was not going to soften that – not even for any of them. Not even now.

That was when Charles stood up again.

"It's – it's so nice to meet you."

One look at Bernadette told him she had been brought up well - her job, her confidence, everything Anna had told him confirmed that too him, though he had a feeling he would still feel the need to check with her later.

But he had hoped more than anything his daughter was going to go to someone who was going to love her as much as he did.

And seeing the way Julienne looked at their daughter told him that had happened.

"And you," she said as she stood up feeling an unexpected lump in her throat.

There was so much to say now, but at that moment only two words spun round in his head.

"Thank you."

 _Thank you for loving her, for keeping her safe, for looking after my beloved girl._

But she shook her own head and beamed. "Thank _you_."

 _Thank you for giving me the gift of motherhood and making my life complete._

For years and years she had wanted to say that.

And now she had.

He kissed her cheek before he sat back down between his daughters and took both of their hands, William having made way for Bernadette.

All of this still felt like a dream but he knew it was reality. For if he was dreaming, they would not be in a hospital room and Elsie would be with them.

x x x

The news which came to them this time after Elsie's operation was the news which they had all hoped for the time before.

"We are fairly sure we got all the cancer," announced the nurse.

It did not mean she was not going to have to go through chemo, but it did mean that the family were able to breathe a sigh of relief.

They were another step closer.

"Can I see her?" asked Charles. For the first time since his daughter had come back in to his life his attention was on someone else.

Yet he still fit to burst by his proximity to her.

"Of course, but I am afraid we do not want too many people in there just now – two at a time."

Charles knew it was not down to him to decide who – though he wasn't sure who it was done to if not him – came in with him.

He couldn't rightly choose between the children. And of course they were going to be able to rotate but as he panicked in his head he saw the kids were rather dealing with manners themselves.

Though everything in her wanted to fly and be with her mum, Anna stayed in her seat.

They had got good news and so they were all going to get to see her in time.

But the three kids she had brought up stayed where they were.

It was Thomas who opened his mouth.

"Well go on then – you've come this far," he said to elder sister.

She just had to go a little further.

Charles wished his son was not so blunt at that moment but strangely enough it did the trick, And with their encouragement, she did.

Together, father and daughter left the room.

"Do you want a coffee?" offered Anna to Julienne.

The elder woman looked back on her day – from Cynthia's grief and that father's pain to Bernadette's realization and their train ride...

She did not have to think twice before nodding. "Oh yes." Together, they headed to the canteen once the boys have given them their orders.

They could all breathe a little easier now.

That left William, Thomas, Edward and John in the family room.

"Well I did not see that one coming," said Thomas.

If Ed was not there with him then he had a feeling he would have had a bit of a different reaction.

He could remember hating his sister for being so perfect when they had been young – she had been a figment of her parents imagination – the child they had always missed while they were the real, children who shamed them and made them wish maybe they had given up a different baby.

But now he could see it wasn't like that. He didn't feel as bitter as maybe he had thought he would.

What a difference a day or even hour makes, he mused to himself.

X x x

Bernadette crept in to the room as quietly as she could.

Having never had too much of a sweet tooth when she was a child she had not known how it felt to try and steal a biscuit from the tin.

Now she did.

Her biological mother she knew probably would have chosen any other way for them to meet but this way but in the end there was no way in which she could have stayed away now.

Not when they were so close.

But now Bernadette had seen her and even if Elsie did not know she was there, she could be told that her daughter had cared enough to come to her when she was sure she had needed her most and that was an end to it.

"Do you want to be alone?" asked Charles.

Bernadette shook her head.

This was the first time in twenty eight years they had been together – the three of them, just the three of them and he should not be excluded from that.

"No – do you?"

He shook his head and the two of them sat together on the same side of the bed while they waited for her to come round.

"Is she going to dislike it – me coming now?"

"Well I dare say she never saw you re-meeting us in a hospital room but then – then you were taken away from us in a hospital room," he sighed as he reached out to take the hand of his wife.

In a really weird way it was as if the three of them were coming full circle.

She looked at her mother and knew she was a beautiful woman. Right then of course she was pale and clammy and not quite at her best but there was a beauty to her. She would see it more and more as time went on.

She swallowed.

It felt to her as if time had been weirdly frozen for a moment – as if they were being painted for a picture or something but that was a rather rose tinted view of things.

"We have missed you your entire life," her father said without looking at her for fear of recrimination. "We were just too young to keep you."

"I understand. And I even thank you for doing it. If you had not I was never going to get to be with my mum and dad."

"The woman you came in with -"

"My mum," she confirmed.

"And they treated you well?"

"Always."

He shut his eyes and she saw his checks begin to shine from the tracks of tears down them – big, fat emotional tears.

She did not know quite how he was getting through that day.

She pulled out a tissue from her bag.

"I should have given you a bit of warning I was coming…"

"No – no, it is just me being rather silly I fear. It is just if anything had had happened to you I know I never would have been able to forgive myself."

"I got the impression that you and Elsie both struggled to forgive yourself for something which you should have done long ago – I did!"

He looked at her through big eyes and for a moment she was reminded strangely of a wise old owl. She wondered if it was just the situation or what which was making her have all kinds of bizarre thoughts…

She reached out and took his hand.

It was so warm. He raised a smile as he squeezed her in return.

"No matter how she feels – I am so glad you came."

The fact she was here with them…. then who was he kidding. He was just glad she had come full stop.

There were those who would say Elsie falling pregnant when she had would be the worst mistake which either of them had ever made.

But he could not feel the same. Never.

Not when he had his girl back with him at last. He could only hope he would never lose her again.

Shelagh felt joy bloom in her heart – the words he said for now were enough. More than.

X x x

When Elsie came round, she felt as if she had gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson.

She had the last time as well, but she guessed the feeling had been compounded by her own exhaustion.

A hand was holding her own. Of course it was – Charles. He was not going to leave her then and she was so glad of it.

She needed him.

Knowing her voice was going to be of no good to her at all right then she squeezed his hand in order to let him know she was back in the land of the living and very much with him.

"She's coming round," he murmured softly to someone and she felt the direction of his hand shift.

So he had come closer to the bed.

Her eyes opened and his face was the first she saw.

"Hello love – don't try and speak. I am here – me and the – the kids." He said with a smile which seemed to suggest in one way or another something was up.

Her heart beat rose. Had something happened to one of the kids when she had been under? Please no…

"Shhh my love it is nothing bad," he calmed her. She almost forgot she was wired up to a machine which was going to tell him just what her heart was doing…

"They are fine – all of them are just fine," he answered her unasked question.

She looked about to try and find the lie which he was using to comfort her but she could not find it. However she did find the two of them were not on their own.

For a moment they just looked at each other and Charles wondered if he had done the wrong thing by letting their daughter come in here.

Was it going to be too much for her mother?

Elsie was rather blank for a while before she reached for her oxygen mask.

"You don't have to say anything." Bernadette shock her head as tears welled in her eyes.

She did not want her to strain herself on her account.

But she would not stop. In the end her husband assisted her.

For a moment after he held it off her face, she was silent and it felt to all three of them as if the moment lasted a lifetime.

For as long as they had been apart in fact.

"Elsie - do you know who this is?"

She nodded. "My wee lamb."

Bernadette felt a lump appear in her throat and reached out to put her hands over the two which her parents were holding.

It was her turn to nod. "I am here Elsie. I am here."

Her mother's face cleared and an indescribable sense of peace came over her…

"Love you, my darling. You don't need to say it back. You just need to know the truth of it…"

And with that she shut her eyes and went back to a deep sleep leaving father and daughter alone once more, their hearts filled with something they could not describe if they tried.

 _Please review!_

 _Sorry the chapters are a little slower at the moment guys - the next couple of months are just jam packed with lots of lovely stuff, but I am a bit of a busy bee at the moment! That said, the chapters will keep coming! Even if I am gone a little longer than normal, I am determined to finish this as I have loved writing this story and you guys are so lovely and supportive - thank you so, so much!_

 _A one word spoiler for chapter 17? Turnadette!_


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

"Why don't you both come back with us for the night?" Anna offered, as everyone begun to think about leaving the hospital.

She knew Julienne and Bernadette had to be exhausted.

It was Bernadette who shook her head.

"We'll just be at the Grantham Arms – we managed to book a room before we came up."

It was not at all that she was worried about messing about the owner of the pub but god only knew it was not her alone who had had the only long day and she had a feeling the Carson's were going to be able to relax a bit more if they were not worried about her at every turn.

And she was sure if no one else did then Charles needed the rest. He had been in and out of Elsie's hospital room all day…

He looked as if he was done in.

Seeing that she was not going to be able to persuade her sister to do other than she had already planned, Anna put her arms about her.

"Well if there is anything you need overnight, please just call the house."

"What I need is for you to get a good night's rest – and me too!" she said as she kissed her check.

"Now mum is ok we are all going to be able to do that. Are we going to see you tomorrow?" asked William.

He was the one who seemed most reluctant to let her go.

"Of course - I am in the village now; there is no getting rid of me."

"As if we would ever want to."

"Well –" Thomas said and a look from the two sibling he had been raised with told him this was not the moment for smart arsed comments.

He winked at Bernadette. "See you around."

Slowly, the Carson kids seemed to filter out of the family room and it dawned on Bernadette she had met her siblings.

She did not know why that fact had to dawn on her when she had been there the entire time but it did.

She was going to remember that day for as long as she lived…

It had been the day her life had changed.

But not everything was different.

She felt her shoulders drop as her mother wrapped an arm about her shoulder. She was still there for and with her.

Bernadette had said she was not going to go back into Elsie that day. There had been a few tears shed last time and Bernie did not want to over tire her– better than she let her rest.

And so she had left Charles in there as she had come out to decide with her siblings what they were going to be doing that evening.

Yet, Julienne felt done in so she was sure her dear Bernadette had too.

"Why don't the two of us head off to the Grantham Arms now?"

She so wanted them to have the chance to rest for it was greatly needed. And she wasn't sure she was above having a brandy that night to help her on her way.

"I think that is a wonderful idea – as soon as I have spoken to Elsie's doctor."

If they had been any other mother and daughter than maybe that would have surprised Julienne but they were not.

She was the same – and she was sure it was something to do with their profession. It was a hangover from her being a nurse herself that she wanted nothing so much as she wanted the news from the horse's mouth.

"I will wait here for you darling."

Bernadette gave her a smile.

She had to remember as much as she wanted to make sure one of her mother's was ok she had to look out for the other as well.

And Julienne needed a lay down at the very least.

"I won't be long."

With her bag over her shoulder she started off down the hall determinedly.

Having seen her brother go for the doctor to ask something to do with the mother they shared earlier – it had been such a long day that she could not remember what he had asked, only that it was William who went – she followed the same path.

And seeing that there was only one door at the end of the corridor, she tried to make a safe assumption.

"I believe you are the doctor who is taking care of Elsie Hughes," she asked, only opening the door after she had knocked and been called in.

Having been in the office when the door opened, Patrick Turner could see how it was easy to make that mistake.

"I am afraid not – well, not today anyways. I am her GP. It is Doctor Levvy you will want to talk to," he said as he looked up. That was when he stopped taking. Since he had lost his wife he hadn't much looked at other women – there did not seem to be a lot of point in it when he knew. He very much believed that part of his life was over – but when he felt himself lose his breath he knew he had been looking after all.

The woman who had just come in to the room was very pretty with brown hair and bight eyes. He felt his heart race when he realized she too was looking at him.

What she saw was a man who was nearing middle age but was by no means past his best. She could well imagine that there were dimples on his face when he smiled and his eyes were the warmest brown she had seen in a long time.

And if he had not looked at her in… she wasn't even sure she knew how he had looked at her. Just with a momentarily twinkle in his eye which had set her mind on a different course.

But she had to get it back on track and she told herself to stop being so ridiculous.

Maybe she was so over tired she was imagining things.

Shame washed over her as she recalled the reason she had come here. This had not been her mission.

"So you are the one who referred her?" Bernadette enquired as she recovered herself a little.

"I was."

"Thank you so much. I m a nurse – well, a midwife really. But I think we both know time is of the essence in cases like hers."

"Yes – I am so glad we did manage to get too her in time. We aim to with every patient but Elsie is a special lady."

After everything she had heard of the women who had given birth to her Bernadette knew she had to agree.

"My name is Patrick Turner."

"Bernadette N- " she said with a smile realizing she was going to have to give him a reason for her interest in Elsie's case.

"Bernadette Newgarden…"

"Are you a friend of the family?"

In a village such as Downton it was not often you could get away unnoticed and he had never heard any of them mention a Bernadette.

"Elsie Carson is my birth mother."

Ahhh…. That made sense. Patrick nodded. As the family GP he wondered if he was the only one in Downton who would know Elsie had another child without needing to be told.

He had never mentioned it to her of course but he was her doctor and he had seen her notes.

He knew.

"While I am not Doctor Levvy but I can tell you everything indicts good news."

"They think they got all the cancer out?"

"Everything seems to suggest so – Elsie's stage one so providing her treatment goes as we think it will – we have great cause for optimism and a full recovery."

That was what she needed to hear and he was so glad he could put his hand on his heart and tell it to her truthfully.

He could not imagine what she felt towards her birth family but nothing about her seemed to suggest any resentment.

Only a great deal of relief…

"That's wonderful news – thank you very much."

"You're welcome."

There was a moment of relief and then another moment of something else. Their eye met.

She had not had a boyfriend for years – no one to –

She shook her head. This was the man who had saved her mother's life with a phone call and the final straw was when she saw there was a wedding ring on his finger.

Well, that was that.

"Thank you again – goodnight doctor."

"Goodnight Miss Newgarden."

No doubt she had had one of the hardest days of her life yet nevertheless the room felt a little emptier when she left.

Which made no sense at all when he knew nothing at all of her…

He had to get back to work, then back to Tim… best not dwell on something which he probably imagined he felt.

X x x

Thomas was glad when the day came to an end. He did not remember ever feeling as tired as he did right then.

It was as if it went down to his very bones but he had a feeling that every member of their family was going to be feeling that right then – especially his poor mom.

But still he knew if it was not for the presence of a certain old friend of his being there he would have tried to make the day longer by going for a drink.

But seeing as he was there with him the two of them were going to settle for something caffeinated.

"I want to thank you for coming up here," said Thomas as he and Edward sat together in the kitchen, both nursing the ends of a cup of coffee.

He knew he had not had to and there were plenty of people who would have heard and done nothing.

But he had not been one of them.

"Well the Carson family has always been good to me and your mum is a lovely lady. And I wanted to know you were alright," he said as he sighed.

He did not know what was alright to say in this situation and what was not alright to say and…

And he did not want to put any pressure on.

"More coffee?" offered Thomas.

Ed nodded. He had had an early start when he had got on that train and he knew Edward was a slave to his caffeine addiction.

Once he had a full mug, the visitor seemed to find his tongue a little.

"I did not know if you were going to want me to be here – I had heard about Jimmy."

Even though Edward was there he had not been able to fill the hole entirely, or to ease the pain which his chosen absent had caused. Jimmy had not even called.

"Well even if he was, I do not see why I could not have a boyfriend and a great friend here."

If they were somewhere different then Edward would point out that having no boyfriend there did not make Jimmy a great boyfriend.

But he had not come to trash him.

He had come to be with Thomas.

"Either way I am just so glad I could be here for you."

He had looked on his own when he had walked into the family room.

And now he knew he wasn't.

"I am too – will you stay tonight? We've a sofa going free – or an air bed." Their history went way back and Thomas had a feeling hearing his deep steady breathes while he slept would be more a help than a hindrance that night though there had been plenty when his low key snoring had had the opposite effect.

It was getting to the point where he knew if he was not going to stay then he had to get going to the train station if he wanted to get back home that night.

But he did not. "The air bed sounds good." He said with a wink.

The hard part of the day was over but they were both aware that when you were having a rough time it was the night that could be the hardest and the longest. If Thomas had not wanted Edward to be there with him then he would not have asked him to stay, thought Ed.

And the soft, grateful smile which Thomas gave him confirmed that.

On instinct, Edward reached over the table and held Thomas's hand and just for a while the world was very quiet and peaceful and for now, that was enough.

x x x

Charles got back to the house where he had raised his kids that night feeling tiredness which he never had before.

It had been quite the day.

The children had all the left the hospital before he had and he had an idea that they had done so in somewhat higher spirits than they had arrived that morning.

It was not every day that your mother had good news on an operation and your long lost sister was at last found.

He still could not believe it. Even though he knew Anna had been in touch with her and he had spoken to her – his first born turning up at the hospital was something altogether different. She had some character to her, he would give her that.

Of course she was right in the way that it was not what any of them had had planned but maybe he had learnt at long last life had its own plan at times and that was generally better than any he made.

One way or another it had brought her back to him. And the look on Elsie's face when she had seen her for the first time again... That was something which he was going to treasure and keep alive in his heart for as long as he lived.

This was a day which he knew he was never going to forget for all the rights reasons.

They had a bit of a way to go yet and it was not as if they were out the woods with Elsie but they were so much further on than they had been when they had got up that day.

And what was more was he had hope they were going to be able to face all of it as a family of five which was – was really quite something.

But before all of that he knew he needed a big cup of tea and a deep sleep.

Now he knew Elsie was alright as she could be he was sure he was going to be able to get a bit of sleep, if not as much as he would have with her at his side. Yes… though all the worry he would sleep that night.

Going in to the kitchen he saw that John alone was there.

"Where's Anna?" he enquired softly with no tone of accusation in his voice.

Normally John had a feeling there would be that tone there but all bets were off that night.

"Upstairs – she is dozing."

"And the boys?"

"All upstairs – I think I heard William snoring already on my way down and I know Edward is staying over the night with Thomas.

He had not paid them too much mind though. When the two of them had got back from the hospital it was clear the day had taken its toll on the women who he loved.

She had curled up in his arms for a while and had had a good cry – it had been cathartic for her. Even though it was all turning out for the best it had been a long and emotional few days _– weeks_ _-_ for her and he was so glad she had let go a little

"I want to thank you for being there for Anna today."

He had a feeling he had never been that fair on John.

He had seen his age and his material status but he had not seen a hell of a lot else and now … things were different. The way he had taken care of Anna was really quite marvelous.

John nodded.

"Can I get you a tea?"

As he was the host in this house Charles was sure the right answer was no he would do it – but he let him.

John proved to be a worthy companion for that moment – he could hear him going through he motion of making a brew but be forced no conversation on him. Only gave him a meaningful look when he passed the mug over which said a thousand things which didn't need to be spoken.

"Thank you," Charles responded more for the way he had taken care of – well _, their_ Anna than the hot drink.

John nodded in acceptance and hoped a new chapter had begun.

x x x

"What a day," said Julienne softly as she lay her head down to rest at last.

She did not think anyone would have trouble forgiven her weariness.

When she thought back to the start of the day and Cynthia, who she remembered in her prays that night… somehow she was sure she had a right to be tired.

She looked across to the single bed adjacent to her own and saw Bernadette had removed her glasses and looked very much as she felt.

"How are you my darling?"

"I don't have the words to describe e it – but I am more ok than I was when I got up."

There was no more indecision over what to do and that she would freely admit was rather invigorating.

She would sleep more peacefully than she had the night before.

"Good," Julienne murmured, reached over to switch out the lamp and relaxed blissfully… she would rather she could do so in her own bed – but this one would do for now.

"Goodnight sweetheart – I love you."

"I love you too mum."

Bernadette shut her eyes and was asleep within minutes, yet somehow aware the last face she thought of that night was none of her parents, or his siblings but of the doctor she had seen at the hospital.

Odd, she thought and then sleep claimed her lovingly and for that day she thought no more.

Please review!

Hello lovely people – I knew it would take me a while to get this one out but I didn't mean it to take me a month! Sorry! I hope the next one will not be so delayed - next month is looking clearer! : ) I am popping out now so I will reply to reviews over the weekend but THANK YOU SO MUCH GUYS! Big love x


	18. Chapter 18

Updated with three days to go until I hit another month without doing so - where did the last four weeks go?

 **Chapter 18**

The day seemed to arrive slowly for Elsie when she awoke at four o'clock in the morning after her operation.

So this day she nearer to being cancer free and her eldest daughter in the village. It was quite a thought.

She shut her eyes. She had dreamt of the day she was going to get to see her beloved Shelagh again and the one thing that had never change no matter the fantasy was that she was never in a hospital bed when it happened.

But there was no way she was going to be able to go back and change it now.

Shelagh was home.

And it looked as if she was a beautiful woman who had been brought up beautifully and safely.

That was all Elsie had ever wanted and so at the end of the day she was not sure if she was so worried about what happened to herself any more. If she did not manage to win the fight she was fighting right then she knew she was going to be able to go and met her maker in peace if that was what was going to happen. Because her daughter was ok.

And that filled her with a further peace she had not thought she was going to be feel.

She was glad about the way her bed had been set up towards the window as it meant she was able to watch the sun come up, because she felt for the first time in twenty eight years it really had.

X x x

Going to the Carson's house was an odd experience for Bernadette Newgarden.

Before she had so much as got the front door she was well aware that if her life had been very different then this was the house in which she would have grown up.

How would her life have been different?

For one thing she would not know London half as well as she did right then. She would have a completely different set of friends. Who knows? She might not have even been a midwife. She would not be the 'her' she was right then when it came down to it and that made it a lot easier for her to accept they had done the right thing.

She knocked on the door.

It was ten o'clock and she hoped that was not too early for the Carson's.

In spite of the fact she had had a long day the day before when she had woke up that day she had been awake and that was that.

Bernadette had known she was not going to be able to get back to sleep. For a while, she had tried to read the book which she had brought with her from London by the hazy morning light. The idea had been that she was going to have something to read on the train but of course she had had too much going through her mind in that moment to do so.

And it did not take her long to work out she was not going to have any more luck that morning than she had when she had been travelling to Yorkshire.

So she had got up and she had gone for a walk and that had been just what she had needed – it hadn't taken her long to work that out.

Even though she had been raised in a city she found there was a quiet peace to the country side that was able to calm her.

She was able to remember when she had been young her mother and father taking her to the country side. It had had the same effect on Charles as it had on her. After the stresses of his job, he always seemed a lot more relaxed after they had had a bit of time in an open, green space and she always remembered how eager her mother had been there for them to go – she thought likely for that very reason.

And even now it made her feel closer to the man who had brought her up.

But it had not taken her long to work out it was not really out in the fields which she needed to be that day. She needed to be with those she had come up here to be with and see.

On the way to the house, she had found she was asking herself if this was the right thing to do or not…

Maybe she should wait until Elsie was home or she should wait to be asked but they had all said if she had needed anything while she was in Downton all she had to do was go and see them and they were going to help her out.

And if there was one thing she did need it was a lift to see Elsie. And if she was after that, there really was only one logic place to come….

Anna was the one who answered the door.

From the day before to that one Bernadette was able to see there was a real change in her sister.

She looked as if she had had a sleep and was the freshest she had seen her over the last weeks, with bright eyes.

"Morning you!" she said as she stepped back and let her go in to the house.

Bernadette took a quick note of what she was seeing – the wide, spacious hall way which welcomed her into the family's home as well as the rather grand stair case she knew would lead her up to the bedrooms.

"How are you doing?"

"I am better than I was," said Anna and Bernadette knew that was as close as an omission of exhaustion which she was ever going to get for the day before.

"What about you?"

"Yeah I am pretty good – I left my mother sleeping – I think she was worn out."

It was no surprise after they had had to make their dash to Yorkshire.

"What about Charles?"

"Why don't you come on down to the kitchen and ask him. We're just going to have a bit of breakfast before we go up and see mum, you are welcome to join us."

That was an offer she was unable to resist.

On the way down to the kitchen she could not seem to stop herself from looking around. A crazy voice in her head said this felt like an invasion of the privacy of the family but the other said she had been invited in.

The moment her heart constricted was when she saw a photo of her mother and father clearly on their wedding day and the strange thought that they had had her already then crossed her mind.

And with that Anna lead her to the kitchen, which was filled with the scent of freshly cooked bacon and eggs. "Do you want a cup of tea?" asked Charles to his younger daughter, unaware his elder was there.

"Look who I found on the door step," said Anna with a smile as she stepped down in to the kitchen.

There was practically the same crowd there as had been in the family room when Bernie had met them the day before but that morning they all seemed a bit more relaxed.

Thomas and William were still in their pyjamas though John and Edward had seen fit to get dressed before they had come down for breakfast – probably because the two of them were not in their own homes and as he had guests her father had down the same.

But maybe that was what he just did any way, dressed before coming down to breakfast. They all had a lot to learn about each other… she was greeted warmly that day though there was still a hint of reserve. They would all have to go a long way to truly know each other.

"I hope you do not mind me popping in. I just wondered what time you were going into see Elsie."

She was not ready to head up there on her own and it was not all about her mother – now she had found this family of here, she did want to get to know all of them a bit better.

"In about an hour, the first lot of us will go. We are all going up after a fry up –" said William. He was half way through the cooking and smiling broadly at her. "Can I do you a sarnie?"

She was about to say no out of politeness when she felt her stomach rumble. The truth was she had had nothing before she had left the pub that morning and breakfast was well over due.

"Can I have egg sanwich?"

"Sit down."

"I'll brew up," Anna said as Charles smiled at her.

"Did you get much rest?" he asked still relishing the fact he had all four of the children he and Elsie had created in the same room. It was a gift to him.

"I did not think I was going to but I think I was out before my head hit the pillow. How about you?"

"I did." He nodded.

"Good."

"Let's hope mum did the same," said Thomas from where he said with Edward, the two of them nursing coffees as they had been the night before.

He too had slept well and if he had been awake during the night then he did not think he had minded. He had been able to hear from his best friend's heavy breathing, he was not on his own and he had not felt as if he was on his own either – that was quite a different thing and meant he had woken well rested.

"Well, when I phoned the hospital they had said she had had a decent night, so here's hoping!" said Anna over the sound of the kettle boiling.

"I was thinking maybe we should go in in shifts today – even if she did have a good night, I do not want us to over tire your mother," said Charles and the kids nodded.

That sounded like a bit of a plan.

"I can go tonight if it's easiest," said Thomas.

He had a feeling whether they wanted him to or not, Edward was going to have to head home that day (though not for long). They could have the day together before he went to see his mother and it was clear Bernadette was desperate to go.

That was why she had come up here for breakfast and it made her more endearing to him he had to say.

The last thing he had wanted when she had walked in the day before was for her to come and cause trouble for his mother and father and he was beginning to think that was truly the last thing he wanted to do.

"Why don't William and Bernadette go first, John and me second and then Thomas can go up tonight?" asked Anna. It went without saying that her father was going to be there for most of the day so she did not even mention him. He was going to do what he was going to do regardless of the rest of them.

"I do not want to stop any one –" Bernadette begun but then held her tongue.

She did not think any of them were going to not see their mother for her for it did seem as if the one thing the four of them had in common was strong personalities.

Thomas seemed to appreciate the fact she had stopped talking before she had got to the end of that sentence and smile at her.

"Believe me, you wouldn't – and couldn't," he said with a wink and with that gentle comment he and his friend went back upstairs where they were going to be able to have a bit of time to prepare for their own day.

Bernadette nodded in understanding.

Meanwhile Charles had begun to watch Anna. Clearly she had wanted to leave him free to talk to her sister, but she was able to set up Bernadette's cup for a brew without asking how she would take it. either she had made her one already or they had spoken about it when they met.

He couldn't.

"How do you like your tea She – Bernadette?"

If he was going to be any kind of dad to her he had to know that small bit of information about her.

If she thought it was odd he was asking when he was not the one making the tea she gave no indication of that.

"Milk – no sugar."

X x x

On the way to the hospital Bernadette rode with William as that was clearly what her younger brother wanted and she was yet to spend any real time with him. Charles drove himself – due to the length of time he was going to be there, he wanted to be able to get himself home and not rely on lifts, even though all the kids had offered.

She had a feeling it was going to take her a bit of time to get to know Thomas but it was obviously not going to be that way with her younger brother for he had a natural openness which she could not help but find so endearing.

He was kind and interested in her life as well as wanting to tell her about his own.

"It must be lovely to work with horses all day!" she said as she looked at him.

As she had been raised in the city she had not had a lot of chance to work with animals or have much contact with them at all.

She had had a rabbit when she was young but that hadn't last long until he had had to go and join the great rabbit hutch in the sky.

"It is – I don't think it was what mum and dad wanted me to do to begin with –"

"What did they want you to do?"

"Well, I think mum wanted me to go in to something which was going to be a bit better paid and dad thinks there is nowhere better in the world to work than the Abbey – and I do work there…"

"But he was thinking more visitor services?"

"I think it was me who put the stables on his radar – they weren't there before."

She smiled.

"Did you always like to ride?"

"Yeah I have – ever since I was a kid. It helps me think. I remember… remember thinking about you a lot when I was there."

He had never criticized his parents for their choice in the way he felt Anna had but he had always wondered.

"I thought about you as well – well, Charles and Elsie which is nearly the same thing. I wondered if they had had any more kids – "

"And now you know they did. Does it help? To know what happened to them in the long run."

"I didn't think it would —I did not think I struggled with wanting know what became of them as other adopted kids do. But now I know different."

She had not struggled or longed them but there was no use in lying about the fact now she knew where she had come from she felt differently.

The two of them shared a small smile.

"What about your job?"

"Being a midwife? What can I say? I do not think I would change it for the world. When you leave that hospital at the end of the day – or the start - knowing you've brought a new life in to the world there is no better feeling in the world. Mum inspired me – my mum." She needlessly made it clear she was referring to Julienne.

"So you wouldn't change things? Go back if you could?" William asked quietly, not sure if he should be asking at all.

She would be a liar if she had said she had never asked herself that question.

But she had always come up with the same answer at the end of it.

"No – I wouldn't have missed out on the way the two of them brought me up for all the world." She said with a smile.

William had thought if he heard those words then they were going to hurt him some way as if they were a slight on himself and his family. But the reality was so much different to the theory – that was what he was learning with all this going on.

He was glad for his sister – glad that she had been able to get on with her life and not look back in anger at their parents in ager for what they had done a long time ago.

It was going to make everything easier for them all to find their way to the other side now he thought as the two of them arrived at the hospital.

Not for the first time that day Bernadette had to admit her nerves to herself.

She wondered if it was wrong for her to think the day before had been easier because no matter what, she had known her mother and herself were not going to be able to talk too much.

Either way she had a feeling that that day was going to be different.

And she was ready for that, a small voice in her head said.

She only hoped she was right.

"Thank you for the lift," she said as she gave her younger brother a smile.

"Any time – sis."

x x x

As soon as they had got to the hospital, William went on a hot drinks run. Let alone their mother – the only way _they_ were going to survive this was as if they had a plentiful supply of tea he had joked, and had run off to buy four cups in the hospital café, leaving his sister and father to go ahead to his mother.

"I do hope the hospital were right and she had a good night's sleep," said Charles as they made their way down to her ward.

"I am sure if they said she did then she did," Bernadette said to him kindly.

She had a feeling he was somewhat of a worrier.

He nodded at her kindness.

And the two of them walked along in silence.

Bernadette wondered to herself why it was not uncomfortable. There was something in her which said she should be desperate to fill every silence between them but she just wasn't. Maybe that was down to her own temperament – or his.

But he was a quiet soul to be comfortable with and she could be comfortable with him.

She felt a sudden chill go through her as she remembered that was the way she had felt when she had had her father and maybe – maybe, already – that was why she felt that way about Charles.

Because he was there – she had a dad and that meant nothing bad was going to happen to her.

She smiled, said a pray for her father in heaven and realised they were outside Elsie's room.

All the nerves which she had felt when they were back at the house and in the car came rushing back to her in that moment, but Charles was there by her side. And if Elsie's reaction to her the day before had taught her anything it was that she was not sad she was there. Unless that really was the drugs talking, she tried to tease herself to stay calm.

But either way there was only one way to find out. She opened the door.

x x x

Elsie looked at Bernadette as she came in to the room. So she was right. She had come to her.

Part her thought – wondered - if it had all been a wonderful dream.

But it was not and now her child was before her.

"How are you feeling today?" her daughter asked, as her husband came to her side and kissed for her forehead.

"Hello love."

It was a nice, inoffensive way to begin thought Bernadette as this was truly their first meeting. The last thing she wanted to do was to put her on her guard or anything. She may have been there the day before but Elsie had been fairly out of it – still, she had known her and that gave her comfort.

Elsie wished she could find the words and that she was more eloquent. If she was able to then all of this was going to be a lot easier for her.

And she was normally the one in their family who was good with words. It was her dear Charles who got tongue tied but not that day it seemed.

"You know it is so silly – I have a thousand things I want to say to you but now I can't think of a single one."

Maybe she should have begun by answering the question she had been asked but after so long a period away from one another it was so inadequate. And Elsie wasn't particularly bothered about how she was doing. What mattered to her was how Shelagh was.

And the last thing she wanted her daughter to think was that she took any of this lightly – that she had taken her decision when she had made it lightly for she had not.

Bernadette recognised all of this in an instant.

Maybe it was that she worked with people on a day to day basis - often in a hospital, where there was high tension and at times emotion. But she was able to see how hard Elsie was trying and she was the last person in the world who was going to knock her for that.

Instead she went to her side and took her hand in her own. The day before they had had that physical contact and it had felt important – just as important as it was right then. She was there and her mother had to know it.

Elsie's hand was cool, but not cold and the skin was soft.

"I do not think you have to say anything," she said.

One day she had no doubt words were going to be needed between them but not yet. It was too early for that and she did not want her to tire herself.

"But I do not want you to go without understanding." she felt her chest constrict a little. She hadn't quite meant to phrase it like that… She just wanted Bernadette to know a lot more than she did right then when she did go back to London.

But this wasn't about what she wanted.

As long as she would understand the decision to give her up had not been easy or been because through lack of love…. that was what mattered.

Seeing the desperation in her eyes, Bernadette squeezed her hands.

"And I have had a talk with Charles and I think I do understand."

As silly as he thought it was Charles winced as he heard her call him by his name. Foolish for she had had a dad who had brought her up and loved her as his own so of course she was going to refer to _him_ dad. They had only just met.

Elsie turned to Charles with pride. The fact he had got to through to their daughter – and handled it well was more than enough. That took the sting off. She felt flooded by relief.

"I am sorry we have had to meet like this – it can't be the way you wanted it," Bernadette sighed, acknowledging her mother's illness for just a moment. It seemed so secondary right then. To both of them. "I know this has to be a - well, as odd of a situation for you as it is for you. Do you want me to go?"

"No!" Elsie had known she had chosen her words wrongly when she had spoken before. She had not meant to speak or her going so soon. "That is the last thing I want!"

She did not think she could bare it if she had to lose her all over again.

"Well good - because I don't want to go." she said with a smile, settling in to the chair by her side.

Elsie nodded, glad. She wondered where to start.

She knew nothing of this daughter of hers.

She reached her hand up and cupped her face, caressing her cheek for just a moment before the thirst for knowledge over took her.

"What's your favourite colour?"

"Blue."

"What's your favourite dinner?"

"Fish pie."

"What was your favourite subject at school?"

"English."

"What's the name of your best friend?"

"Julienne."

"Where did you holiday as a child?"

"Devon."

Mother, father and daughter were all laughing at Elsie's and Bernadette's quick fire round asher brother came in to the room.

It was clear as William popped his head round the door he was a little apprehensive as he did not know what he was walking in on but none of that mattered when he saw the face of his mother.

What mattered was she was alright.

"Can I come in?"

Bernadette and Charles nodded and he went straight to the bed where his mother was waiting for him to hug her.

"Hi mum, how are you doing?"

"Better for seeing all of you."

As mother and son embraced one another, Charles met his daughter's eyes. They were still on the very brink of their relationship, but Bernadette knew in her heart there was going to be some good which came of all this, of her dash up to Yorkshire. It already had.

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	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

Once they had got up to his room, Thomas and Edward had a quiet time of it and watched a bit of TV. None of the Carson's were as tired as they had been the day before but a day such as that one was not one which you could recover all together lightly from.

And due to his nature, Edward was well aware that for Tom that could go for him even more than most. He felt things so deeply but did not say or talk about his feelings much which could be a dangerous combination.

For a while the two friends were silent together and if there had been no wonderings in that silence then Edward was sure he would have felt more comfortable but as it was he could not stop himself from looking at Thomas as he reclined on his bed and think he was still a beautiful man.

The thoughts which he had been able to repress the day before due to Elsie's illness seemed to bubble to the top that day unbidden and he was not sure he liked himself much for it.

He turned away when he thought his friend was going to catch his eye. He was not going to have him think he was thinking along the lines that he was for it was too much for quite frankly both of them to handle right then.

Thomas had to smile. He knew Edward thought he was trying to be considerate but he had been able to read him like a book the whole time they had known one another and that was no different than to any other time. He was a good friend and he cared and if he was not with Jimmy maybe the last few days would have been different.

And maybe the future was still going to be different.

"For what it is worth I know I have a lot to think about," Thomas said as he looked Edward in the eye. He knew he did not need to elaborate any more than that for his old friend was going to be able to understand well enough. He did not want him to think he was not aware of how Jimmy had treated him of late for he was acutely aware of that. There had just been so much else going on that he had not been willing to confront him but it had got to the time now where he knew he was going to have to.

There was not a lot left to hide behind.

For the first time since he had got there he saw Edward's eyes were filed with pity for him. Funny that it should be the way his boyfriend had treated him of late and not his mother's illness which had brought out that reaction in his old friend.

"And I promise you I will think about it."

"You do not have to promise me anything… and I do not want to see you hurt."

Thomas could not help but think it was a little late for that. For he had seen him hurt of late. He had been hurt by the cancer and by Jimmy and by it felt the world in general of late.

But not by Edward. Never by him.

"Not even if it afforded you the chance to put me back together?"

Edward could not help but wish he knew if he was being serious or not right then, but it didn't matter really for it did not change his answer.

"Not even then."

X x x

"How is Cynthia today?"

Julienne had heard her daughter leave the room early but had been in no rush to do so herself. If Bernadette had needed her then she would have woken her. As it was, she had left her to her slumber which she had been only too glad to be left too. Julienne had stayed in bed for at least another hour before she had risen and ordered a fry up breakfast to the room.

It was a rather indulgent of her she knew but she was away from home and she was sure she deserved a little indulgence.

She was not one who was given over to rushing about and noise. Though both were included in her daily life and she had accepted that when she had chosen to lead the life she had, she had always been a great believer in the gift of silence too.

Silence healed her and soothed her and it helped her lessen her troubles in more ways than she could say and so for just a moment she gave her self over to it so she had the strength to face the rest of the day.

She hoped in every way it was not going to be as trying as the day before, but in so many ways she knew there were going to be repercussions they had to face and she was going to have to be there as best she could to help those she loved her through it.

Thus once she felt she was ready, she picked up the phone and called Evangelina who she had left holding the fort in London.

Though she had not had to dash up anywhere, Julienne could not help but think her oldest friend sounded as tired as she felt and she could not blame her for that. She did not need to be told that Evie had not had the easiest few days.

"She is still blaming herself and I think she is going to be until we get a medical report that says otherwise," which she was sure they were going to get.

Midwifery was a job where colleagues stuck together and everything she had ever known about Cynthia Miller told her this was not her fault.

She was careful with every precious little one she delivered and she was sure she had done nothing to contribute to this situation.

But she was facing the worst thing any of them were ever going to and she knew how that hurt.

She had lost babies in the past and pray god she was never going to again.

Julienne recognized what she was saying too.

"Of course she is not,"– they were all going to believe it – but she would not. "The others are staying with her aren't they?"

The worst thing in the world was for her to be on her own and she had such great friends. "Nurses Franklin and Lee are looking after her."

"Well that was some consolation."

"The mothers on the ward are very jittery though."

"Of course they are," That was sadly inevitable in a case like this.

"Nurses Crane and Mount seem to be doing a fine job of keeping them all under control."

Try as she might to keep it out of her voice, Julienne could hear what she was not saying and that was they were all going to be doing better if they had her there to help.

Maybe to make up for that, it was Evangelina who asked the next question. "How is Bernadette?"

"I have not spoken to her so far today - she went out for a walk as soon as she got up I think but she coped yesterday admirably."

"And the family?"

"Well I can't say I got to know any of them at all as they were all under such pressure – but I can tell you she is one of four siblings."

"Blimey."

Julienne had known that since Anna's visit but she had tried to keep it all under wraps until her daughter was ready to start telling people herself but now she felt as if Evangelina was going to need something to distract her from the troubles which she was having that day.

"And the operation?"

"The surgery was a success."

"Good," Evangelina breathe a sigh of relief. She had not wanted to get too involve but she remembered Elsie.

Even all these years later.

She had always hoped for goof things to come to her as she had been the one to carry and bring her niece into the world. She had prayed for her, not just of late always.

And now she had that news.

"Good." It went without saying that she was not yet out of the woods but she was closer – and that was wonderful.

"I am going to talk to Bernadette in a while and see how much she needs me here."

If Julienne was not much mistaken she had a feeling Bernadette was now confident enough to deal with all of this on her and if that was then case then her mother knew it was time for her to get back to London for she was needed there as well.

She felt as if she was being pulled in two but she knew that was not going to stop any time soon.

"Don't leave her if the lass need you."

Evie didn't want her doing that for her.

"I am not going to – but I know all of you need me as well and for that very reason I am going to talk to her – besides, she is a strong brave girl."

And if she had gone to be with her biological family that day then maybe it was time for her to start thinking about going back to London… already. She and her daughter had their life down there and just because all of a sudden, their world and their family was a little bigger than all that, there was no reason to forget where they came from.

X x x

It had been a long three days in some ways and so it came as no surprise that when Charles got to the hospital to pick Elsie up she was packed and ready to go.

"Taxi for Carson," he said with a smile.

She looked more like herself than he had seen her in a while and gave her a large smile as he came in to the room.

"And not a minute too soon."

"I am sorry if you kept you waiting."

He was here when he had said he was going to be but may be if he had thought about it he would have known to get there earlier.

"You didn't."

The illness had and a decision which she had made years ago had but he had not.

There was a silence for a moment and he knew it did not need to be filled.

Finally, Elsie got up from where she had been sitting and let him pick up her bag.

"All the kids are waiting at home. They are not going to be about all afternoon but they thought we could eat in the garden – welcome you home," he said with a smile on his face.

All the kids. She did not need to ask if he meant three or four for the radiant smile of paternal pride on his face told her.

God she had not thought she was going to go home like this and yet it made it all worth it.

"What a few days," she said to him with a smile and knew she did not have to say anymore for if there was one person in the world who knew how she felt it was him.

It occurred to her right then they had not had a lot of chance to share their feelings with one another – so much had been going on and so much of it had been all about the kids that she had had to just hope he was ok.

"I do not suppose we are going to forget them in a hurry," he said as he wondered about all the history programmes he had watched over the years – the tales of the days which had shook the world. That was just what that day had done for him - they had shook his world.

But they had always given him a chance to put it back together.

She came close for just a moment and lay her hands on his chest as they shared a brief kiss, his hands cupping her upper arms gently. Their forehead touched for a moment, and then they broke apart, he picked up her bag and they left the hospital.

Neither wanted to keep their children waiting.

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	20. Chapter 20

**Author note:** Is this thing still on? Guys, I am so, so sorry to all of you waiting on this! The last month has been wonderful but has left very little time for writing. My own Patrick Turner asked me to be his wife – and I said a very swift yes and we have also brought our first place together! I wish I could promise a quicker update next time… and to be fair, I think it is more editing than writing that I need to do with chapter 21, but I am going away for about three weeks out of the next six and hot on the heels of that I am going to be moving house… but I am not abandoning this or any of my other fics, so please keep checking back! Thank you so much, all of you!

 **Chapter 20**

Dinner in the garden was a quiet affair. Each of the children had welcomed their mother back with a gentle hug, Bernadette included.

When Elsie had stepped through the door she felt as if she was living a waking dream, to see Bernadette their behind her siblings.

Bernadette – she was going to have to get used to that. She had thought of her by the name which she and Charles had given her for so long, but she would get used to it.

She hung back a little as the other three gave her a more hearty welcome home but when they came face to face, she kissed her cheek.

"Welcome home," she said brightly.

"Thank you."

Elsie did not think she was ever going to know how much it meant to her to see her there with all the others – this was the welcome home which she wanted. Which she had dreamt of.

Now she was up on her feet she felt as if she was truly going to get a chance to know the girl but the first thought in her head when she saw her was how beautiful she was.

Her daughter had shoulder length hair which seemed to be neither brown nor blonde but a mix between, and her eyes were a beautiful blue. There was something in her – she was not sure what it was, but it reminded her of her Charles and for that reason she was even more beautiful to Elsie.

The meal was quieter than normal meal times in the Carson household, the six people present engaging in just the one conversation between them with no one talking over each other– quite a rarity.

As John had had to go to work it was just Elsie, Charles and the four human beings their love had brought forth in to the world which Charles was grateful for.

Though he was in no way as anti-John he had once been – in fact, if anything all of this had lead Charles to believe he was very much worthy of his daughters love after all – he still could not help but be glad to have a little time with his wife and kids on his own.

None of them had ever had this before and he was sure at least four people around this table had wanted it at one time or another. But for him it had been a constant desire. He had never really wanted to give his first child up and had done so only because he had known it was the right thing to do to stand by Elsie. Yet he had had to live with that his entire life – on days like Father's Day and Christmas days alike.

He had missed her for so long that it was going to take some getting used to now – the fact he did not have to. She was home and with her siblings and her mother and he was not fool enough to believe she was not going to be going back to London one day soon… but he was sure that he was never going to have to miss her the way he had before again.

That time was done.

Over dinner they managed to stick to topics which were decidedly safe, such as subjects which their kids had all enjoyed best at school and what they were doing in their jobs right then.

Thomas was loving being at the bar and William the stables. As for the girls, Anna seemed to think that Lady Mary was going to based rather more locally for a time so she was going to get extra time with Matthew - whether or not that was really for Matthew or Elsie, Charles was not sure but either way he was grateful they were going to have their girl close – and Bernadette told them all a little more about her job at the hospital.

And it was all so wonderful that Charles felt his heart could burst.

X x x

Bernadette text Julienne around the time lunch coming to end and she walked to the edge of the village to meet her daughter.

She found her opposite the house looking at it as her mother approached her and Julienne did not think she was ever going to be able to describe the look on her face in that moment.

She had had a lovely lunch and she had left on the provision she would be back the next day.

But Elsie needed her rest now.

Julienne went to her child's side.

"How are you sweetheart?"

"I am good," Bernadette said to her but it seemed as if she was a world away right then.

She had just had lunch with her biological parents and siblings.

And things were going well… it was all a little much to take in – but she would get there.

"Good," her mother said sensing that she was not quite ready to talk about it yet.

And if she was she didn't have the words.

Sensing what her child needed as only a mother could, Julienne put her arm through Bernadette's and then the two of them begun to walk. Together, they found a peace in their closeness and quiet companionship.

Julienne longed to tell her child that it was all going to be well but as it was she could not do that.

These things could go either way so quickly..… But they would hope and pray and with god's grace and a bit of luck everything was going to come up rosy. That was all they had.

On their walk they passed a few other strollers. In Yorkshire, they were in a lovely part of the world and it was clear those people who lived there all the time did not take it for granted and wanted to get out and enjoy it.

Seeing as they were for then to all intents and purposes strangers, Julienne did not think they were going to see anyone that they knew…

So she was surprised to see her daughter to react on sight to what looked like a father and his boy.

"Bern –"

"It's Doctor Turner."

Julienne was about to ask who that was but then she did the math herself. There was only one doctor which her child had seen since she had come to Yorkshire and that was Elsie's.

She had to say there was something which was rather handsome about him in a disheveled kind of manner.

And he was looking at his daughter the same way as she was looking at him.

Shyly. Tentatively…

He had said to himself he had to forget her for the most likely thing was he was never going to get to see her again and it was wrong…

Because of her mother and his wife and…

And suddenly they were face to face.

"Hello." he said softly with a smile.

"Greetings."

"How are you?"

"Very well."

"And Elsie?"

"Tired, but home with her family."

There was a silence between them which no one in the four dared to break yet…

Her mother and his son looked a little amused.

"This is Tim my son," said Patrick. Once more Bernadette looked at his hand and of course he had his wedding ring on. She felt a bit of a fool for the way she felt, which she hoped her mother had not noticed when in her heart she knew she would have done.

But it did seem as if the lad was charming.

"Hello," he said to her with a delightful smile.

"Hello."

"This is Elsie and Charles Carson's eldest."

The brow of the young men went up for he had lived in that village for all his life and he had thought he had a pretty good idea who their eldest child was.

Apparently not.

The young man had a look on his face which said wanted a further explanation. The look of the father said he was going to explain it all later on.

"Did you have a good day at school?" Shelagh asked on noting his uniform, desperate to make conversation so it did not become awkward.

"I did – we played games a lot!" it was after all coming up to the summer holidays and there was only so much the class could do of any use before the children all ran off for their long summer recess from school.

"And what are you up to tonight? Home to see what your mother has cooked for dinner?" she said as she drilled it in to herself he was a married man and she had to put all those thoughts which she had about his father out of her head.

"Well my mother –"

"His mother is sadly not with us anymore."

If Bernadette had wanted the ground to swallow her up at any time over the last few weeks it was right then. The boy's mother was dead and all she could feel was sadness for him. Before that all she had been able to think of was her own selfish emotions. She thought of the motherless baby back in London and the fear she had had about losing Elsie before she had so much as got a chance to meet her and she just felt dreadful for this lad who seemed to be facing one of the worst things in the world quite stoically.

"I am so sorry to hear that."

"It is ok," said Tim. "It was a while ago now." But whether his father thought what she had said was ok Bernadette had no idea.

Timothy was not going to let it rest.

"You should come for dinner soon!"

If she was new to the village then she was going to need friends.

"Oh I do not know."

"But my dad is friends with Charles and Elsie so I know he is going to want to be friends with you too."

"Tim if Bernadette does not want to she doesn't have to – she is up here to get to know her family after all."

"But it is not that I do not want to- "

"Great then!" the young man said smiling like the cat who got the cream. "What night works for you?"

X x x

It came as a surprise to no one when Elsie was the first to climb the stairs to go to bed that night.

She had had a lovely day and she did not think she was ever going to be able to put in to words how glad she was they had all been there for her when she had got home from the hospital, but when it came to it she could not help but think enough was enough. She was ready for her bed.

"Oh I love you," she said as she embraced all three of her children in turn – the ones who she had got to bring up.

If their sister was there then she would have got the same good night. But for now she was going to have to content herself with Anna, William and Thomas she which she found was easy to do when they were such wonderful kids to have.

"We love you too," said Thomas as he gave her a hug before bed. She had a feeling there were some people who would be surprised by how affectionate her eldest son could be behind closed doors but she was not. And if the truth was known she never had been.

"Sleep well," said William.

"After the nights I spent in that hospital bed I do not think there is any chance I won't," she said with a smile.

"Is there anything else you need before you go to bed mum?" asked Anna and Elsie was quick to shake her head.

She had a bottle of water and some tablets up there as well as a good book if she found she was having trouble drifting off – something which she honestly couldn't see.

"No – I do not think so," she said as she kissed her daughter on the cheek and gave her a smile.

She wasn't one to be self-congratulatory but she was going to deny the fact that she and Charles had done well and between them they had created and raised some pretty fine kids.

They had done well.

It was with that soothing thought in her head that she climbed the stairs.

Maybe there were going to be those who thought she should feel eaten up with anger right then but she did not. She felt as if she was so lucky to be here on this night in her family home. There was so many people who were not as fortunate as she was… and she swore she was going to treasure every moment which she got in the future.

She was going to make the most of life.

"Do you want to be on your own or it is ok?"

Elsie felt her heart swell with fondness for her husband just then as he stood in the door frame. It was clear what he wanted – just the same thing as she did and yet he went around it in such a considerate way. She had no doubt in her mind if she said yes she did want to be on her own then he was going to go back down the stairs and would probably sleep in the spare room that night.

But that was the last thing she wanted.

"I want to be with my husband," she said to him and he stepped in to their room and shut the door behind him.

"That can arranged."

For the first time in days the two of them could drop their barriers.

The kids weren't about, no nurses would walk in.

It was just the two of them and she did not think she could put in to words what that meant to her.

She had been intending to go straight to the bathroom to wash up for bed but he came and sat by her side on the bed and it was so lovely to have him so close that she found she did not want to go anywhere he was not.

There was a silence between them and she did not know the words that were going to come out of her mouth until they did.

"She is so lovely – and bright and talented and brave."

"She's you." her husband replied.

Neither of them needed to ask who she was.

Elsie nodded at the compliment not sure that was quite right – it sounded more like him to her.

"I did not need to be told who she was – I have not seen her in twenty eight years but when she came to my side I knew who she was," she said as he ran a hand through her hair.

"Well I know the two of us did not bring her up but you are still her mother." And from what he had seen of mothers and children over the years – maybe especially girls – he knew there was a bond there which was bound to last a whole life time. Oh yes, it could be tested and it could go awry and there were some mothers and daughters who did not get it - but she and Shelagh had.

When she had been born Elsie had not felt as if she was mother in any way. She had just wanted to work and to get on with her own life but she had in the years they had been apart grown into being a mother, of that she was sure. And if she would only let her then she would try and be there for her as a mother should… She knew she was always going to share that role – but that was fine by her if it was fine by them.

"It seemed as if the two of you have a bond already too.

She said as she looked at him and he gave a rather stiff and embarrassed nod. He felt much the same. The two of them had not had a lot of time together but when they had been sitting together at her bedside he had felt a beginning of a bond.

"There is a lot of ground to be made up but I think we are going to get there."

With all of his heart he hoped that they were.

He did not want to lose her ever again.

But she was not the only women in his life who he did not want to lose.

There was her mother to consider as well.

"How are you my darling?"

"Exhausted," she said honestly as she moved back on the bed and encouraged him needlessly to do the same.

Before she knew it she was in his arms, nestled against his chest and the bathroom seemed a lot further away than it did before. Lord only knew it was going to be a lot harder for her to get too.

She was warm and she was loved and she was just where she belonged.

And it came as no surprise to her, the world begun to right itself that day.

x x x

After they had left the Turners Julienne had not said a lot to Bernadette. If they were another mother and daughter then maybe she would have told her to stay away from them or to rib of her for her feelings for the doctor which she knew she had.

But as it was she was not going to do either.

If there was one thing in the world which she trusted it was the judgment of her daughter. If she was not able to do that then she had brought her up the wrong way.

What she did with her love life was her own choice.

But she had to trust her own judgment as well she thought over breakfast the next morning.

"Bernadette love –"

"It's ok mum – I know what you are going to say." Julienne looked at her with wide eyes as she waited for her to inform her.

"It is time for you to g go back to London."

Her mother nodded with a shy smile. So she had known…

"It is – but it does not mean I expect you to come with me. And I will not go if you need me to stay."

Somehow she knew she was not ready and she had dinner to have any way.

"I would – but I do not think I am quite ready yet. And as much as I love you I think I am ready to go it alone…" her mother was needed more else where.

There was so much for her to do and say and see her that she felt as if she had to stay and see it through.

Had it been before all of this she had a feeling she would have felt the over whelming need to explain that to her mother but she knew she did not have to. No matter what was going on with her she knew the two of them were tight and her mother was not going to be offended.

"Well I will square it with work, and you take all the time you need."

And when you come home, I will be there waiting for you, she thought with a smile.

But before she did go back to London there was one more thing which Julienne wanted to do.


	21. Chapter 21

**Author Note** \- and we're back guys! Thank you so much for reviewing :)

 **Chapter 21**

Julienne had not told Bernie she was going to go and see the Carson's. All she had meant to do was have a quick walk about the village – at least when she had left the pub. She was leaving Downton soon and she had been meaning to go and see them. But suddenly… she very much was there. And In fact, it was only now she was there that she knew why she had come.

"Julienne!" said Anna with a wide smile as she let her into the house looking behind her. It was soon obvious as to who she was looking for. "Is Bernie not with you?"

"No, it is just me I am afraid."

"What a lovely surprise. I am just finishing up a bit of work, but we have been in the living room this morning - why don't you go through?"

Julienne nodded and watched Anna go. It was odd to be in the house her daughter would have grown up in. It would have been a very different life to the one she and Charles had given to her… there was no way in the world to know if it would have been worse or better for Bernie but the one thing she felt she could say for sure was it would have been different and get no argument.

It was a very domestic scene which she had walked in on.

Her daughter's two brothers were sitting with their parents. Tom was sitting in an arm chair, his mother and his father occupied the sofa, whilst William sat at their feet, allowing his mother to run her hand though his hair. No doubt after everything it was soothing for them both.

They were having a bit of a quiet time together and she found when she racked her brains she was unable to think of a family who needed it more. suddenly she doubted whether she should have come unannounced.

Years of working in the service of the public let her read through body language with ease…

After all the upheaval of late it took William a moment to even place Julienne in the chronology of all that had happened to his family of late. She was clearly way down on his list.

Thomas had a very different reaction and seemed to send his sister who had come to the down way, clearly having thought better of going to do her work, a very accusatory look as if to ask why he had let her in to begin with and she wanted to say she was not there to make trouble. That was the last thing she wanted.

She would not be the one to disturb their peace.

Then she looked at the parent themselves.

Charles looked at her with great respect. The two of them had met at the hospital and the circumstances surrounding their meeting caused him to have nothing but admiration for her.

He thought she was a woman of great dignity, the way she had come up to Yorkshire with Bernadette.

If his daughter had been brought by as lesser women then he knew she might be jealous or angry and try to stop her from coming here when it was clear that that was what Bernadette wished.

And yet it was obvious she was a woman who had great confidence and pride in the way she had brought up her child and knew a trip to Yorkshire was not going to lessen that, nor cheapen the bond between them.

It took so many of the fears he had had for his daughter away.

The two of them shared a smile.

So here it was, he thought to himself – the first time Elsie and Julienne came face to face. Shelagh's mothers.

He was glad Julienne had come – he wondered whether a bit of warning would have been for the best – but then maybe not. Elsie had had no time to stew.

But he felt sad for his wife by the way she looked at Julienne.

As if she was a school girl who had been sent to see the head mistress. She did not need to be told who this was.

It was obvious due to the fact she had so much else to focus on – and had so far not spent a lot of time with Julienne she expected that she was going to have a bit of a telling off on her hands, but Charles knew that was not going to be the case.

"Bernadette is not with me but I thought I would just drop in. I hope you don't mind," she said as Elsie shifted from Charles side.

She was not going to hide behind her husband.

"Of course we do not. Thank you for thinking of me," she said with a soft smile.

"Not at all. You must be glad to be home."

It was all very awkward and Elsie realised she did not want any of the others to be here when the two of them were meeting. This conversation felt as if it should be conducted in private.

"Why don't you come into the kitchen and I can make you a cup of tea?" she asked as she nodded to the door that Julienne had just come through from.

"Of that sounds lovely."

"I can make the tea for you mum!" said William, as he jumped up.

Elsie felt her heart melt. He was a good boy but she was not going to be coddled.

Yes she was still recovering from surgery.

But she was no invalid.

"I think I am quite capable of lifting a kettle, my love," she said, even though the truth was she wasn't sure if she was. She hadn't done it yet but then she was going to have Julienne there if she couldn't.

She was still not sure if she was in for a telling off or not, but she put a lot of faith in her husband's judgement and he had not sent Julienne packing so that had to stand for something. He was not going to allow someone to come into their house and attack her verbally at the moment – nor was she.

If she was kind and understanding then she was going to help with the tea if needed.

And if she was here to have a go then she was not going to end up drinking the tea anyway.

And it wasn't as if the tea was what was even important here.

They walked through together in silence and once more Julienne wondered if she had done the right thing when she had come here.

But she knew she had – because she did have something which she wished to say to Elsie.

And if the truth was known she had done for the longest time.

But Elsie was thinking along the wrong lines, that was for sure.

"I know you must be angry with me but please know I did not meant to bring any stress in to yours lives when I wrote that letter," Elsie said quickly, as soon as the door war shut. "I know I had no right to contact her after I gave her up but I just needed to know she was not going to end up like I have done."

Julienne's eyes softened.

"I came here to thank you for having the courage to write that letter – not to condemn you for It." she said gently.

She was not going to denounce a woman she didn't know for trying to save her daughter's life.

She was so grateful.

She watched as Elsie swallowed and then breathe in deeply. No matter what she had been expecting this was clearly not it.

"And I want to – I want to thank you for giving her up I guess. Which must sound terribly selfish as it must have been the hardest thing you have ever had to do but – but you gave me my daughter after I had longed for her for years and I can't tell you – you what a privilege it was to raise Bernadette. She is bright and she is funny and she is my best friend. I can't imagine my life without her."

It was all she could do to hope she was not coming across as gloating at that moment. She could almost see it in her eyes that Elsie was thinking that should have been her life. She should have had all of that with Bernadette and her daughter should have been raised as Shelagh.

But she had not been able too.

She had had to rely on a kindness of a stranger and she was so glad it had worked out.

"You know all the way through my pregnancy I told myself I could not keep her… so on the day I had to give her over it was not going to hurt so much but I can't claim it worked. It killed me to give her up."

She could still remember how cold she had felt at that time and how hard she had had to work to make herself disconnect from everything. Then how hard it was to reconnect to her life when her baby was gone.

The way she had told Charles time and time again that they were doing the right thing and how they couldn't marry and how she wanted to work.

And then how when she had given her up all she wanted to do was have a chance to be a mum to her baby…

"I said to my Charles I wanted to work more than I wanted to raise our baby and that was true but the older I have got the more selfish I think I sounded."

It was so strange to look back over the events of her daughter's life and finally be in possession of all the facts… to know what happen to her baby girl after she gave her up.

Maybe she had been and maybe she hadn't. She wasn't sure any more – perhaps only the young or the foolish were ever truly sure - but she had made her choice and she had had to live with that decision for the rest of her life.

"For a while after we got back I could shut it out. I went back to work and I thought yes – this is what I wanted. And maybe if Charles and I had not stayed together then it would have been easier for me to keep that mentality but we did stay together and there were moments when we both knew what the other was thinking of but we dare not speak her name." It had been too much then. "It changed after we got married and had Thomas. He became a link to the past…

"After we had him we found we could talk about our daughter but we had no idea where she was or she was safe or if we had done the right thing."

She remembered looking down at her new-born son and feeling sick because there had never been a thought in her mind doubt giving him up. He had been her baby boy from the start and the idea of handing him over to anyone else to raise had made her feel physically sick - she knew she would fight anyone who tried to take him from her tooth and nail.

But then she reflected what sort of mother was she really because she had proved she very much could give up a baby if she had too.

She had questioned if she had loved her daughter as much as her son. She had recalled how intense the moment of birth had been with Shelagh and the way she had taken her in her arms and held her even though she had said no matter what she was not going to give herself that.

And yes she had loved her as much as her brother but she had been able to give her up…

"As we had the other kids I begun to hate myself more and more and - for a while I could not even think of my poor girl… what if she was hurt and she had gone to someone who hadn't loved her as much as they should have done?

"What if Charles and I had sent her in to some kind of hell?" that was when she could not talk for even though she now knew nothing could be further from the truth, that had been the fear which had haunted her for all this time. That someone had her daughter who was going to hurt her. That her beautiful girl was going to be on her and own defensively and she was not going to be there to stop bad things happening to her – but then she looked at Julienne.

She did not know a lot of her but beyond a shadow of a doubt she was decent. She had come when she did not have to, just to say she understood – everything.

From why she had had to give her baby up to why she had had to go back in to her life uninvited when she had done.

And she had thanked her for doing the lot. That was a lot more than Elsie thought she had any right to expect.

She had not realised she was crying until she had her head on Julienne's shoulder and was sobbing.

"I should be the one thanking you. Thank you for bringing her up so well and – for teaching her right from wrong and for not condemning me to her face."

She wanted to thank her for every little act if motherhood she had ever doted upon their daughter. She wanted to thank her for keeping her baby warm and dry and for giving her clean clothes and warm food. She wanted to thank her for every day she had got up to go on the school run. She wanted to thank her for picking her up when she fell. Everyone needed a mum there to do that for them. She had needed her mum for that even when she was an adult so a little baby definitely needed it.

She wanted to thank her for teaching her right from wrong and punishing her when she needed to be told off.

For being there when she could not be.

But then she knew how she would feel if she would was thanked for doing all of that for Thomas and Anna and William.

And she knew if someone tried to do that then she was going to be furious and insulted with them because she was their mum.

And so she just did it.

But Julienne seemed to understand.

The midwife remembered the flash of anger she had felt when she had been back at home and felt terribly guilty over it. She was sure it had been nothing but a natural desire to want to protect her child but now she could see where her daughter had come from she felt she understood more.

So much more.

"It was an honour to be able to be there for you. And for her. And I knew you loved her from the start."

That had to make Bernadette one very special gir,l thought Julienne to have two mums who loved her so much.

"I did- I was selfish when I gave her up but – but that was why I knew it wasn't right for her to stay with us."

Julienne thought she was able to see that. And maybe Elsie was right – she knew much better than she did the circumstances arounds the decision she had made that she was not going to bring Bernadette up herself.

Maybe it was a selfish call she had made because she could not get her head round caring for another human for the rest of her life at that moment but she did not believe it was done through spite. She had not done it through malice or because she wished harm on her child. She had done it for every opposite reason to that. She had had enough self-knowledge to say she couldn't keep her.

And Julienne believed that made Elsie brave.

Elsie had found herself in a difficult situation and she had made a difficult call.

"I will not condemn you for it – for my own selfish reasons. If we could turn back the clock – I wouldn't."

Hand on her heart, Elsie Carson wasn't sure if say the same.

If she could back and she knew she was going to have the other kids and see what kind of father Charles was then maybe she would have made a different call.

And then may be all of their lives would have been very different it occurred to her. But they were big what ifs and they were not going to change the reality of what happened.

"Sorry -" said Elsie said as she drew back and wiped her eyes. She drew herself back.

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

That was very much along the lines of what their daughter had said when she had come to see her at the hospital.

Elsie pondered on that. Had she done the right thing and had she had anything to be sorry for?

Maybe

Wondering about that wasn't going to change anything though…. If they could go forward as a family, all of them, that was going to be for the best she believed.

None of this she knew was for her to decide. The ball had been in her court when she was young and she had decided she did not want to play it. It was up to Bernadette now. But if her turning up to the lunch was anything to go by….

She allowed herself to smile at Julienne.

"Let me put that tea on," she sighed as she shuffled over to the kettle glad she had her slippers on rather than being able to feel the cold stone tiles. "How do you take your tea?"

"Just with milk,"Julienne said as she took the hint and went to sit down at the big wooden table in the middle of the old fashioned kitchen. While Elsie was using a big electric kettle, there was an old stove type one which sat on the aga.

Julienne wondered if it was just for show or more for special occasions.

Either way she knew it was likely to weigh a lot and it was just as well Elsie was not using that one.

"Would you like any help?" she asked. The medical practitioner in her did not want her lifting even if she said she was ok too.

Julienne had a gut feeling Elsie was the type of woman who would be on her death bed telling everyone they were not to make a fuss.

"No I can do it," she said as she put two tea bags in two mugs.

"I know but you do not have to. I'd like us to be friends…"

Elsie stopped for a moment, before she turned to Julienne and smiled.

"In that case I think a little help might be nice. But we're not going to be friends – we're family already."

She took Julienne's hand and squeezed it and the two women went about making the tea, feeling a bridge had been crossed and a new page had been turned.

"Will you tell me about our girl?" Elsie asked.

"I'll tell you anything – everything. Just let's get these brewed first."

X x x

"If you want me to come back, all you have to say is the word and I am going to get straight back on the train!" said Julienne as she stood on the platform at Downton station, the following day.

Bernie smiled. "The babies of poplar need one of us to be there to bring them in to the world." Tell everyone at home I am going to be right behind you coming back," she said as the two of them squeezed each other tight. She simply was not ready yet. She needed just a few more days to spend a bit of time with Elsie now that she was awake.

"I will. And I am going to miss you until you until you do get home. But I do not want you to rush back. I can hold the fought there. Just do what you have too," Julienne said as she gave her daughter kiss.

"Have I mentioned lately that I love you mum?"

"The most wonderful thing about you my daughter is that you never have to tell me – I know you love me." She said as she looked at her. "But it's nice to hear it all the same. I love you too."

And with that Julienne got on the train. As soon as she did, Bernadette felt her heart strain a little bit.

"Oh and Bernie?"

Even though she had the confidence to be there on her own, she knew she was going to miss her more than she could say if she was honest. She had always been her best friend.

She stayed on the platform and watched as her mother pulled away from the station, heading back to the city where she had been brought up. It was not going to be so very long until she was on her way back too – but she just needed a little more time.

It was so quiet here she found – and it was so easy to think in the little quiet Yorkshire village which she did not think in London it ever was.

It was so nice to not be rushing off to the hospital every time she got up – not to work anyway. She could lie in and sleep at night and … do what she wanted with her days. In some ways she had more freedom than she had ever had before, not being tied down to school or college or shift work.

On the way back to the public house she decided to go by the shop. She wanted to get some snacks for that evening. She was going to stay in that night and watch a film on TV. The next day she was going to go and see the Carson's but that night was just going to be for herself. She had a feeling she deserved that.

A small bell tinkled as she walked in to the shop.

She wanted to get some crisps and chocolate to take back to her room.

She would then snuggle down and have a nice quiet night – that had been the plan any way….

 _Please review!_


	22. Chapter 22

**Thank you for reading and reviewing!**

 **Chapter 22**

Barbara Hereward was nine months pregnant and as a midwife herself, she knew going out on her own so close to her time was not a good idea, but she had been unable to stay in for another day without going mad.

All she wanted was for her and her husband Tom to have their baby now she thought as she walked down the street to the small row of shops in Downton village. It was time. She was tired of the two of them being a couple and now they were so close to it, all she wanted for them was to be a family.

Because they were going to be a wonderfully happy family, she thought to herself as she put her hand on her swollen stomach.

Barbara waddled into the shop, said good afternoon to Mrs. Bakewell and sort her prize.

She walked over to the small freezer where she knew there were going to be ice creams. One of those was going to go down very well right then. She had felt so hot all day.

Coming out to the shops had seemed as if it was a clever idea and so it had been she tried to convince herself. She had got a bit of air into her and she felt as if she was slightly less likely to dip over into hysteria.

She slid open the door, leaned over the freezer and breathed in.

Not long to go now she reminded herself.

But it was in that moment it all came so much closer.

She was sure she had not wet herself. She was pregnant but as she was yet to lose her control entirely. But her feet were very wet…

"Not now," she sighed thinking of the unfairness of it all.

She had waited in for days and she had been so careful that she was doing it all right and yet now… when she had just wanted something for herself, she had got herself in a bit of a state.

But then she had a feeling this was the beginning of how motherhood was going to be and she had better get used to it.

X x x

Patrick Turner went into the corner shop in search of curly chips.

He had said to Tim they were going to have chips for tea and so chips for tea they were going to have.

Of course, if he had had his way then the two of them would have been home together already but as he was the local GP… there was no such thing as an absolute plan, his patients made sure of that. So when he had got a call to go and check on Violet Crawley even though what he wanted to do was go back and be with his boy, he knew he had to do his duty to his patient and do his duty he did.

But still it was done now, the old girl was not too bad and it was not too late to have dinner with his son. They were having a lazy night in front of the TV together.

For him, nothing was better in the world than that and he did not think anything could be better either.

He had gone into the shop with chips on his mind and a determination to get them and get out but once more his plan changed, and this time he could not even blame anyone else.

There she was. Elsie Carson's eldest daughter was in the shop and she looked just as beautiful to him then as the day they had met in the office.

If the truth was known he had felt guilty for his instant attraction to her.

It was not just because it was a betrayal – or was it? – he wondered to Elizabeth's memory but because he knew she had to be going through it now… and the last thing in the world which she probably needed was an aging doctor with a crush.

And he did not want to take advantage of her if she was having a rough time.

But there was no denying there was something about her in a way there had been nothing about nobody for him for years.

And as he had been thinking this, he had not realised she had turned towards him and even more than that - she was smiling at him.

God her smile was like the sun on a rainy day and he did not think there was way thing he could do about that.

"Good evening doctor," she said to him with a smile.

"Hello. How are you?" he said as the chips went right out of his mind.

He was sure he was able to stop for a moment to talk to her.

She was in a small village where she had not spent a lot of time and it was his duty to make her feel welcome. Or that was how he phrased it to himself anyway.

She had to admit there had been days of late when she had not been sure how she was, even though she was glad her trip North had not made her wonder who she was.

The presence of her mum had always let her know who she was.

But and there had been times of late when she had not been ok.

But now she thought she was.

"Yes, I am not too bad. Getting used to – well – I do not know if I am getting used do to everything yet but –"Bernie wasn't sure what she was saying as she was not yet ready to articulate how she felt about the whole situation.

And even though she knew there were certain people who she would have felt she had made a fool out of herself if she had spoken thusly in front of them, it turned out he was not such a person. Even though his eyes were on her, she did not feel shy. But she was ready to move on to an easier subject.

"Elsie is home now, have you heard?"

"Yes, I have gone to see her twice. She seems to be recovering well from the operation. Once she has had her chemo there is a good chance she will be well again," he said with a smile as he wanted to offer her comfort and he knew he could.

Everything pointed to the fact Elsie Carson was going to make it through and that she was going to have a long and healthy life ahead of her.

Patrick did not need to be told that with the rest of that life, she wanted to get to know her eldest child at last and spend as much time she could with all the human beings she had brought into the world. If he had been in her shoes he knew the one person who could really concern him when he was better was Tim and making sure they made the most of every day.

"I am glad." Bernadette had met plenty of doctors in her time and thus she had inevitably met some wonderful ones and she had met some not so wonderful ones.

And she knew enough of them to tell the difference.

Her mother had often sad a good medical practitioner should have bags under their eyes and he did. Julienne said it meant you could see that he cared for his patient and it was very clear that Patrick Turner did.

She had just been about to try and keep the conversation going when the two of them heard a grown from the back of the aisle which they were standing on.

And it was a moan which she was well able to recognise and she knew what it meant. She may not be at work but she suddenly felt as if she was ready to be.

Together the two of them raced to the back of the shop.

"Mrs. Hereward!" said Patrick.

Bernadette was relieved she was with the local GP. No doubt Patrick had been the one to confirm that this lady had been pregnant. He would know her history.

And while most of the women in the village she had no doubt did go to the hospital to give birth these days, there did not appear to be a lot of time for calling an ambulance. It looked as if he was going to be the one to deliver this baby as well.

She wondered how long it had been since he had brought a new life into the world.

"Do not tell me I should know a lot better than to be out on my own in the condition because I know I should. But Tom was out on his rounds and I could not stay in the house any longer – not on my own," she said as she held on to her crapping stomach.

"The time for 'I told you so' is gone don't you worry about that," he said as Mrs. Bakewell came up to the three of them.

"What is going on here?" she asked as if she could not believe such a thing was happening in her little corner of the sleepy village where she lived.

"I think it is obvious," Patrick said with some annoyance. He and Bernadette had enough going on right now without having to answer any stupid questions. "Mrs. Bakewell, I think you are going to have to shut the shop for a while," Patrick called over his shoulder and despite everything Bernadette could not help but laugh.

This was what she was good at but the owner of the establishment as quite the dear caught in head lights – as was Mrs. Hereward.

"I cannot say that going into labour in the middle of my local shop was part of my birthing plan," she said as she went red-faced.

To be honest, as this was her first, she had thought it was going to take a while to feel as if she was really in labour.

But then she thought back to that morning when she had been on the phone with her mother and the way she had thought her back was playing up that day. Then there had been the twinge she had felt when she had been getting her breakfast.

Had she just been lying to herself?

And it did seem as if it was a bit unfair to her – she and Tom had worked hard at getting that birthing plan just right for the two of them.

"I think the one thing I can assure you about parenthood is that it rarely goes to plan but it is the best thing in the world," smiled Patrick

He had been the one to monitor this pregnancy.

He was glad he was going to get to see it to its conclusion.

In his job, he got to see the sadness and the great joys of life.

Days like today were wonderful.

"Patrick do you have a surgery nearby and is there a chance we could move Mrs – Hereward it is – there?" Shelagh asked. She had to say she had brought life into the world in some odd places but she did not think she could add a corner shop to this list yet. Perhaps today would be the day.

Still at least all of this was going to make for a rather wonderful story when she got home.

"There is." he nodded,

But at that moment the mother to be felt her knees go a little weaker. "I did to think this was going to happy so quickly."

"Well if I am honest, neither did I," said the doctor with a smile making it clear this was nothing to worry about.

In fact, if Barbara did not know better than she would have said he was enjoying all this.

"I think we may well have to settle down here for the duration," Patrick smiled at Bernadette. It was clear time was not on their side.

"I do not mean to be rude but I have not seen you when I have been to the doctor's. Who are you?" Barbara addressed Bernadette.

Glad to be once more in a situation with which she, if not the mother to be was completely comfortable was, Bernadette had run down the aisle where she was sure she had seen a few dog blankets for sale - until Mrs. Bakewell got herself in order she did not think they were going to be able to do any better, but now that she was back she had realized she was yet to introduce herself to the mother to be - which was unlike her.

"I am so sorry - My name is Bernadette Newgarden-" And she knew that did not help her a whole much for no one knew that name here.

"She is a friend of mine," Patrick took the liberty. "And I assure you, she is an excellent midwife."

x x

The time after a new baby comes kicking and screaming into the world is always magical.

Patrick could not be happier with the way the labour went in the end. He thanked God it was a rather easy labour - the new young mother was fit and healthy and there were no complications. God knows how they had done it but Barbara did not tear once – a veritable miracle given that the baby was a good weight when he came out at eight pounds, six ounces. It was quite obvious from the start that his mother was besotted with him and so she should be. She had worked hard.

"Aren't you just the most perfect person I have ever seen?"

Patrick beamed as he watched the two of them together and he thanked God for the fact Bernadette had been present. He was sure if he had had to manage on his own then he would have done, but he did not underestimate her skill and how useful that had been the situation. He hoped he had been useful for her. As this was her field of expertise, he had sat back at let her lead as much as the patient would allow it. As she knew him, Barbara had turned to him more but he had seen Bernadette form a bond of trust with her. Her training had been invaluable in fact and as time had gone on through the labour she had ensured she had not made a liar to him when it came to Barbara. She really was a wonderful midwife. It felt to Bernie as if it was a long time since she had brought a baby into the world – it had not been that long in fact… but so much had gone on.

And she could not help but think how glad she was it was here she had brought a new little one into the world – in a little sleepy village shop. And with him.

X x x

"If this was a different time I would be offering you a cigarette," Patrick said as he and Bernie stood outside of the shop. Not so long ago Mr. Hereward finally got there and it had seemed to Patrick he was all but weak with love for his son and wife as the family had left for the hospital for a quick check-up.

It had not been the day Bernadette had planned on. It had not even nearly been the day she had planned.

But it had been wonderful…

To be who she was again.

She had been a midwife again instead of a daughter who felt she was betraying her mother or a daughter who had to get used to a new set of parents or a new sister who had not grown up with her siblings.

She was a midwife again which was something she had chosen to for herself… which yes – all in all, that was wonderful.

"I think given what we just did if this was a different time then I might have accepted," she smiled as she looked at him. To her, it felt as if the Hereward's happiness was infectious. "Days like today are the reason I got into midwifery!"

"It is not a job for you – it's a vocation." Much as she had seen a lot of bad doctors in her time he had seen practitioners, nurses and midwives alike who simply should not have got into medicine.

But this was just where she belonged.

She nodded for she could not think of a better way to put it right then. "I think even if I had been brought up here I would have found my way too it," she realised.

She had spent so much of the last wee while trying to work out what would have been the same and what would have been different about her life if she had gone down another path and now she knew.

"Having seen you in action, I think you're right," Patrick said to Bernadette. He was suddenly very aware the two of them were on their own which they had not been enough for his liking.

The first time they had ever met they had been on their own but of course, the circumstances had been entirely inappropriate.

But after the time they had Tim he had longed for a moment on his own with her.

"You know me and Tim really would love it if you would come for tea," he said to her.

And his son was young so it was not as if he was going to be with them all night...

The smile which spread on her face filled his heart with joy.

"I would like that very much."

"Well, in that case, I think I am going to get to see you soon," he said as a smile appeared on his face once more – an even bigger one if possible.

"Before I go home to London I promise."

"Wonderful." he beamed.

"Have a good evening doctor!"

"You too," he said as he watched her make her way to the Grantham Arms.

For a brief moment, he wondered if her coming for dinner could be counted as a date, yet that seemed to him as if it was a silly idea.

After all... he had been a married man and he was cracking on to his fifties.

No, he could not possibly have a date – could he?

"Well I am shutting up for night doctor –I think we have all had quite enough excitement for one night," Mrs. Bakewell said sternly as she took in the 'open' sign.

"I quite agree," murmured Patrick, watching Bernie go. It was only when the door shut behind him with a tickle of the bell, he realized his error and turn to call through the door…

"Mrs. Bakewell – could you quickly sell me some chips?"

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	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

The day before she was due to go back to London, Bernadette found herself at the Carson's.

She was satisfied that Elsie was not going to go anywhere she could not be brought back from and that she knew was one of the main reasons she did feel as if she could head back to London.

And at this point, she was well aware she felt the need to get back for a while.

She missed her friends and her family and her job - the hospital had been wonderful - going as far as to give her compassionate leave once she had explained the situation but it was time for her to get back to her life for only a little while.

Still, it felt hard to go.

When she got to the house that morning she found Elsie was in a rather humdrum mood. It did not take her too long to explain that her father had been snoring in her ear all night and thus she was left feeling rather tired then.

"Let me do the tea."

"I am not in invalid."

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Elsie regretted it bitterly. If it was any other one of the kids, then they were going to know her character and they were going to let it go but she was not sure her daughter did know her that well yet.

"Oh god I am so sorry," she said as she put her hand over her mouth.

But Bernadette she was a nurse – if Elsie thought this behaviour was anything she had not seen before she was very wrong.

"You know when my dad was sick at the end, he hated it when mum and I made too much of a fuss. He was not often one to say it but I knew it by the look in his eyes."

Elsie blushed.

That felt like a confidence.

The first perhaps which the two of them had shared. And it was good to know – to hear about the sort of man who had brought her up.

"Well, all the same, I am sorry."

"You do not have to say sorry for being human…"

The two of them nodded, understanding one another again.

Elsie sighed. "Well if we are being human, is it human to admit I will miss you very much when you head back to London?"

Bernadette shook her head and felt her heart lighter for it. When she had been on the way up, she had not known if she was going to be welcome here at such a time and now she not only knew her mother but knew she was going to miss her when she went home.

Yes, Elsie could say that.

"It is not as if I am going to be gone for another twenty-eight years - I will be back a whole lot sooner." she had plans to come back before the end of the month.

"I am very glad to hear that. Maybe it was my own fault but I cannot help thinking that I have missed quite enough of your life already."

"Well I assure you, you are not going to be missing much in the future." It was not as if they were living a hundred years ago or even so many as fifty years ago.

Even when she was not here she was going to be able to call, so it was not as if they not going to be able to ring and have a chat whenever they wished.

"What are you going to do with your last night here?" asked Elsie.

Bernadette had wondered about spending it with her mother but as it was, she had a feeling Elsie still needed her sleep, not that she would have admitted that if she had asked to stay for a little while longer.

But she did have plans.

"Well - I am going to go and have dinner Patrick Turner and his son."

"Of course – I was so proud when I heard about your heroics in the shop!"

Bernie blushed. "I was just doing my job."

Elsie smiled at her child modesty. She had been one of the ones who had seen their baby safe in the world…. That was enough for the gratitude of any new young parents. "Well, I know for a fact our vicar and his wife are very grateful to you."

How interesting she should be going to see the doctor for dinner though, Elsie thought to herself.

There was no denying she had liked Mrs Turner when she had been alive.

But he was too young to be on his own.

And if the two of them brought her daughter to the village on a more permeant basis so be it.

She was sure there was a blush there.

"I saw them in the village the other day it looks as if they have been able to bring their baby home," beamed Shelagh with a smile which her mother matched.

There had been a lot of that going on of late- babies making it home.

"Yes." said Elsie. "and they are going to be wonderful parents."

Of that, she had no doubt.

"What about Doctor Tuner?"

"Oh he is a lovely dad – it was very sad when he lost his wife but he and his son make a good team. I suspect you are going to enjoy your dinner with them tonight very much."

Bernadette was not sure why but she had the same feeling.

"Well if I do not go now I am going to be late for dinner," as she said the words Bernadette realised how hard it was going to be to go and wished she had saved her last night for her mother.

She saw regret on Elsie's face as well but the one comfort which they both had was, it was not as if it was going to be forever.

Elsie's had a feeling it would not ever be that long again.

"Well we cannot have that," she liked Patrick – he was a good man and if anyone had plenty of cause to be grateful to him, it was herself.

They got out of the chairs in which they had been sitting and looked at one another as Bernadette wondered how to take her leave. Up until now, she had just given her a quick kiss, knowing she was going to be back the next day but she did not think she was wrong to think that was not enough this time.

Her mother felt the same.

As soon as she saw Bernadette too was trying to figure out too she bit the bullet. She put her arms around her as if she was any of the others.

For just a moment Bernadette felt awkward in her arms before she realised afresh this was the women who had brought her into the world and also she had very nearly lost her before she had found her once more. And with that in mind, she held on to her as tight as she could with a mind to her operation.

Elsie's wished she could tell her just how much she loved she was, how precious she was but she refused to put her under pressure. And so she just held her and smoothed back her hair.

She would be back... That was all that mattered.

Charles had left mother and daughter on their own to have a bit of time to talk as he had figured he had got his time with his daughter when her mother had been asleep – and it was not as if they were not going to get more time with her soon now.

And yet he could not deny the fact he felt right then very much as he had done when his children were new babies and all he had wanted to do was put his head over their cots to make sure they were sleeping easy.

He did not want to be away from her.

And when he saw his daughter wrapped up in the arms of her mother he was so glad he had not stayed away.

He did not remember a more precious image to him than the ones before his eyes right then.

It warmed him soul deep.

Before the lump in his throat got too big or his eyes got to wet, he began to speak.

"Now you have a very safe journey back to London young lady and I have no idea if I have a right to ask this or not but you will let us know you got back safe, won't you?" asked Charles.

Bernadette nodded.

"You have every right and I promise you will. I do not want to lose you again," she murmured realising that was the truth.

"Oh, I promise you won't - there is going to be no getting rid of us now."

Elsie murmured. Never again.

X x x

The one thing that was for sure that going to the doctors was a very different thing she found to going to see her mother and father.

There had been so many nerves when she had first gone to Charles and Elsie's home and yes there were nerves when she went to see the doctor, but they were a different kind of nerves.

As silly as it was, she felt she had not known her parents when she had gone to see them for the first time. And she was not sure she had any more of a real idea about the doctor but when it came down to it, the two of them had already delivered a baby together and she could not count the number of times a friendship had begun like that for her.

When you did something such as that together Bernadette felt you got to know a person in the real ways.

You got to see what they were made of and what she had learnt about Patrick was he was clearly good at his job not that she had had any cause to doubt that, to begin with.

The first thing she had ever done was to thank him for saving her mother's life and she had meant every word of what she had said.

He was a wonderful doctor.

But she also thought he had great bedside manner, which even she found could be slightly lacking in her profession. She was glad to say that sort of thing did not go on so much at the London mainly because she did not think her mother and the rest of the senior staff were ever going to tolerant it.

Still, perhaps it was even more of an asset in a small village doctor and it was clearly one Downton had.

"Hello Bernadette," the doctor said warmly as soon as he opened the door.

The doctor was dressed not in the suit she had got used to seeing him in but a pair of jeans and a checked shirt with the sleeves rolled up. She could not help but swallow a little as she realised how good they looked on him.

"Good evening Patrick."

She stepped inside the house as he opened the door, the wine she had got from the site of their joint delivery in her hand.

"I do hope I am not too early."

"You're right on time - dinner is just about ready."

She smiled at him as she realised the two of them were not on their own.

"Hello, Tim – did you have a good day at school?"

"I did – my friend Colin and I found a bird in the playground and took it to the science teacher!"

And then, maybe because they were about to eat or because of a look from his father he held his tongue.

If he was a different boy then he would have cause to wonder if the bird was already dead or not but Bernadette did not have to ask to know he was not the sort of lad who was going to harm a defenceless creature.

He was a kind-hearted boy and she had a feeling he got that from his dad.

"I hope you liked sausages and mash!" said Patrick as he took her coat.

Sugary had overrun as it was bound to do on a day when he had wanted to get away early and so he had not had the chance to prepare anything more sophisticated. The truth was the kitchen was probably the area where he struggled most on the home front.

"I was born and bred in London – sausages and mash are always going to be alright with me."

"even if they are slightly burnt?" asked Timothy with a cheeky grin and ran into the kitchen before his father had a chance to respond.

"That's nothing short of slander," Patrick murmured to Bernadette as they followed Timothy.

As it turned out it was nothing short of the truth and Bernadette was not sure if she had ever had sausages which were so crispy before.

Patrick admitted defeat and asked her to leave anything which she did not want to eat but Bernadette was sure by the end of the meal she had made a stoic effort to eat as much as she could.

And here was she thinking this sort of thing only happened in romantic films.

Their dessert of jam rolly polly was more of a success made by the young Master Turner of the house and Bernadette could not help be glad that the doctor hand his son had one another. Her mother had been right. They made quite the team and she had a feeling they had been making that team ever since they had lost the most important lady in their lives.

Once dinner was over the moved on to games and when Timothy declared his all-time favourite game to be Cluedo, Shelagh realised the two of them had more in common than even she had thought originally. They were going to have a lot of fun together.

The three of them had two games before Timothy had to go and get ready for bed. He was heading to the land of nod happy, for he had won both.

"You are going to come and have dinner with us again aren't you?" asked Timothy before he left the room.

"Well, I have to go home to London tomorrow but I do promise I am coming back. And I would love to come to dinner again if the two of you will have me," she beamed at the youngster.

"I promise we will!" he said and with that, he left the room.

"I think you have a fan," Patrick teased.

"He is a wonderful lad and a credit to you," said Bernie as Tim left the room.

"I have to say I more think of him as a credit to his mother," Patrick could see a lot of his wife in their boy.

"He must miss her a lot."

"Well, I do know if he feels the lack of her. I do not know if he remembers her well enough to miss her."

Bernie was sure that did not stop a young man from missing his mum but did not say so. One way or another, she was sure they understood each other.

"Just before I came up to Yorkshire we lost a mother at the hospital where I work. I know the young midwife who attended the birth and she is very competent."

"I am sure she is."

"But it was awful all around. For Cynthia, for the dad, the baby and the rest of the staff and patients.

"It was then I knew I had had to come up and find Elsie whilst I had the chance. I am sorry that trust sounds selfish."

"Not at all."

"I just – I did not want to have regrets."

"I once heard it said there is not a more pointless emotion in the world which is a sentiment I agree with," he smiled which was the very reason she had come to see him that night.

"I agree."

The two of them looked at one another knowing.

"You will come again, soon – won't you?" he asked in a much more weighted way than his son had.

She nodded. That she would. "I promise," she repeated gently, and brushed her hand again his. The encouragement was enough for he took her hand in his own and they sat in silence for a while, on his sofa, watching the log fire which dominated the living room of his little cottage burn low.

They sat nothing at all, and got to know one another infinitely well and not at all, all at once.

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	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

Elsie smiled at the flowers Cora had sent her which sat on the sideboard. It had been thoughtful of her to send them and it was nice to know she was thinking of her. She picked up the cup of tea she had just made of the sideboard and made her way out to what was that day her rather sunny garden.

Summer was proving to be a beautiful season and that evening was no exception.

She had been sitting out there relaxing for a little while when she heard footsteps coming up her garden path. She opened her eyes and stretched out like a cat who had been sitting in the sun for too long and she was thrilled to see her best friend was there.

"So how was it?" Beryl asked with a smile.

She had so wanted to come over and meet who she remembered as the little one, who she knew her friend had longed for so long. Yet it had felt as if it should be a family time.

And, yes she knew if they were asked then the Carson's were going to say she _was_ family but all the same. There were no formalities required between the two best friends that day and they got straight down to business.

"I do not know if I can put it all into words for it had been awful and wonderful in equal measure." She did not ever want to feel the fear she had again. But as the reward for her sours, she had had her sweets which had been sweet beyond belief. "Oh, I can't tell you how wonderful she is."

And for Beryl, Elsie did not have to specify who 'she' was. It was clear from the light on her face she was referring to her child. It was the same look she got on her face when she spoke of any of her children.

"I hear she quite saved young Barbara Hereward's neck." it was no small thing she had done and quite a good bit of gossip.

"She did. I think she will be remembered by more than us when by just me and Charles when she goes back to London," Elsie smiled at her friend.

"Oh yes, but then I can assure you always was."

Elsie could not be more grateful to her for saying that.

"Well, now she has you and as well as her siblings, the vicar and his wife – in addition to our good doctor if I am not very much mistaken."

"I am not going to lie to you, my old friend. Already there are one of two rumours –"

"She has gone round there tonight," Elsie said before she was able to stop herself. She did not like to be as gossip but it did seem to be what they did best.

Beryl made a face which told Elsie she need say no more for now. No doubt in the future they were going to revisit the subject but that was not for right then. Instead, they turned to the love lives of the other three kids. Seeing as how they knew them so much better, it did feel as if they were fair game in a way Bernie was not yet. How sad Beryl was to hear Jimmy and Thomas were having trouble though she was not sure if the lad himself was too sad about it.

"I hear Edward is back in town – no doubt that is going to please Charles."

"I think it pleases both of us. I know we have no right to have a say in the love lives of our children, but he did always treat him better than I think Jimmy has and Thomas seems to be having a bit more fun since Edward has returned!"

And god only knew Elsie was of the opinion that her babies needed to have a bit of fun. All of them.

"Well, I am glad to hear it! Talking about Charles's approval is he getting on any better with John these days?"

"I am glad to say he rather is. I do not know what went on when I was asleep but since I woke up he has been a lot more accepting of John and Anna."

"Well, it is high time really. She has set her cap at him at no mistake."

With that, Elsie could only agree. No matter what the two of them said it was clear Anna had set her heart on John and they were not going to be changing that. So her father had better get used to it instead.

"And William?"

"Is still my own sweet boy – for now."

There was a pause.

"When do you think you will see her again then?"

Not soon enough thought Elsie.

"Oh, she said she was going to be up before too long."

And if there was one thing which Elsie knew her daughter was it was as good as her word. If she said she was going to be back then she was going to be back.

"Well there is something to look forward too, hey?" said Beryl and Elsie nodded, swallowing. If she was getting a little emotional then Beryl did not think sit was much of a surprise.

She took her best friends hand and the moment passed.

"Oh yes –" Elsie grinned. And looked forward to it she would.

X x x

Bernie walked down to the station with all kinds of thoughts and memories of the last few weeks in her head. She did not think she was likely to forget her first time in Downton in hurry.

What a time she had had with them all and – and she was sure she had made friends for life.

For one thing she knew she was not going to be losing her family now she had found them once more and they were not the only ones. She was never going to be able to put into words how much she had enjoyed the night before. Having the time with young Tim and the doctor had been the tonic which she had needed.

It made her feel oddly settled going back.

She knew as well as back for her family she was going to be back for them.

She thought back to the ward and the way that the girls were when they first got dates. For ever looking at their phones and try to work out why the lad from the night before was not ringing them back. She did not think her and the doctor were going to be that way.

If he did not text her back then it was going to be because he was busy with his work or Tim.

She would look forward to hearing from him always but she did not think she was going to fret about it. She had faith in him.

That thought kept a smile on her face as she got a ticket and a coffee and made her way to the platform. Just as Bernie was about to get on train however, a familiar figure came into view.

Someone she had not had a chance for a final catch up with you.

Someone slightly out of breath for fear they were not going to catch her.

"I just wanted to thank you for coming," said Anna as she came to her sisters side. "It has cheered mum up no end."

"And I want to thank you for giving me the confidence to come. Being here has meant the world to me."

Bernie had not known it was going to be, but it had. It really had.

"Now don't you be gone to long," Anna said and was embarrassed to admit she felt rather teary.

"I won't."

Up until then Bernie had honestly felt ok. But as she pulled her little sister into her arms for a firm cuddle she had to admit to feeling a little emotional herself.

As hard as it was to leave Anna, Bernie was soon on the train and not too sad for it. The call of London and home felt strong right then. That evening she would sit down with her mother and fill her in on all that had happened in Downton since she had left.

Yet for the first time in her life she wished she could be in two places all at once.

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Sorry it took me forever to get this posted! Thank you to all of you who are reading and reviewing! : )


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

It was strange to be back in London after the time Bernadette had spent in Yorkshire. It had been an emotional time for her – a time of immense change in her life – but it had somehow also been a fun time and one of great discovery.

The thing she had truly feared when she had got on the train was that when she had got back from this end was that she was going to be full of regret. But she was not – she was instead full of joy. Things could be a lot better, she was not going to lie. If Elsie was well… but it seemed right now they could not have it all. But they were going to get there - of that she was determined.

And at least they had one another now - she would be part of getting her through it.

One thing was for sure. She got a lot more texts these days then she had done before she had gone to Yorkshire.

She had a fair few more numbers on her phone as well.

On returning to work, there had been a fair few raised eyebrows. Her mother had come back before her and that had seemed to pave the way for more curiosity. If anything, for the others and especially the younger midwives, it seemed to just deepen the mystery of where she had disappeared to so suddenly with no warning.

Bernie got the feeling that if it was going to get them in on what had happened then they would have cheerfully been her slaves for the day. She had never been asked if she wanted so many cups of tea as she got asked these days. Patsy, Jenny and Trixie were all excitable.

Nothing had changed there.

But if there was someone who had changed it then it was Cynthia. It was clear that in the aftermath of losing the mother she was still finding it all tough. Being at the hospital, doing her job – all of it. Luckily, she had not had to wait and for the results of the autopsy. Due to the rarity of the case, the hospital was right on top of it and as they could all predict it had nothing do with Cynthia -the mother had had a hole in her heart which no one had known about.

As cruel as it was, Doctor Griffin, the head of maternity explained, no matter who had delivered the baby this was always going to be the most likely outcome. It had been too much of a strain on her heart and without the knowledge to recommend a caesarean….

The verdict did not take the trauma of it away, but Bernadette was sure it was the first step on the road to get her confidence back she thought as she headed into the break room.

She went over to the kettle and turned it on and checked her phone while eyeing up the biscuit barrel. There was one from Charles keeping her up to date with how her mother was doing after her first chemo session, and there was one from Elsie herself telling her how she was doing, asking how she, Bernadette, was, and sending her hopes she had settled at home ok once more.

Of course, Elsie made no mention of her treatment. Bernadette thought that was still down to the guilt she felt which Bernadette could only hope was going to begin to fade now as she could not bear the idea of her mother – birth mother –feeling guilty when she had nothing to feel guilty for.

There was also a text from Anna to say she was going to be in London for work soon and did she want to go for a drink when she was down and the answer to that was a resounding yes. There was a message from Tom just to see how she was and to finish up the family texts there was one from William simply asking when she was next going to go back to Yorkshire.

The only answer she had was soon and she knew it would be.

Elsie had made it clear as soon as she could she was going to be coming own too London to see her as she did not want her to be the one doing all the travelling. But Bernadette knew she was not going to be able to wait that long.

And as much as she thought it was sweet Elsie was thinking like that, she did not want her to spend all her energy travelling when it was going to be precious enough to begin with, for the next while.

And the reason for that – the reason why she did not think she was going to be able to wait too long to go - was the one who had sent her the last text from Yorkshire.

It was Patrick asking how it was to be back in a normal ward, delivering normal births. Of course, he had sent a blank text to her before he had managed to send a proper one with the message in and everything but bless him, she was learning not to expect miracles.

The truth was it was lovely to be back to her Poplar mums and babies, to be back in a buzzing ward which she was used too. Life was nothing if it was not familiar then.

But then it had been lovely to deliver the babies in the shop as well with Patrick. She was the very first to admit they had made a great team that day.

Seeing as how she was in the staff room she let down her hair and ran a hand through it, and then she had to admit to herself that she felt a little ridiculous.

She did not remember the last time she had had to admit to having a full-on crush.

She guessed it would have been a lad at school or uni but she did not think there had ever been anyone who she could have said was truly meaningful. No one who jumped to mind.

Patrick was the first one in a long time as she had been so focused on her career. Ever since she had learnt what her mother did for a living when she was a young girl she had known that was what she had wanted to do and at times she knew she had been a bit single minded about it. She had been determined she was going to make her mother and her father proud but when she had got to thinking about it on the way back to London on the train it hit her that it could not all be work. There was a lot more to life than that.

She had been about to text back when the door to the staff room opened and Cynthia came in. A less perceptive midwife would have missed the way her face fell for just a moment.

Bernadette knew she had come in here to seek a bit of solitude for five minutes but there it was, she gave a sorry smile.

"Tea?"

"Yes please!"

It had been quite a day for her already as she had weighed the Kelly baby. He might not have his mum there to feed him but he was putting on weight well it was good to see him and his dad but it had brought it all back a bit – for all of them.

Thus she was glad it was time for a break.

Neither Bernadette nor Cynthia bothered asking if the other was ok. Neither knew the whole story of what the other had been through but the both knew enough it was going to be a while before it all sunk in for either of them.

And so they talked about it easy things... What they were going to do over the summer and if they had any plans to go to any lectures in the next few weeks.

It could be called a new kind of normal for them but it was a lot easier than any other conversation they had had lately.

And then it became clear Cynthia Miller was done with easy conversation.

She had beat around the bush too in her life.

And so she looked Bernie in the eye and said.

"What has gone on with you lately?"

It was refreshing Bernadette found for someone to be so open - That they just wanted to know what had gone on and there was no pretence about it.

None of what had gone on was Cynthia's business.

She did not need to know. But she was her friend.

And more than anything else she cared.

Bernie looked her in the eye.

Ever since she had got back Jenny, Trixie and Patsy had been desperate to know what had gone on but not one of them had dared to ask her straight out as Cynthia had.

As a rule, Bernie was a private person and if one of them had just asked her like that she did not know if she would have told them.

But it was not one of them - it was Cynthia and it was break time and they both had a warm cup of tea and more than anything she found that in that moment she wanted to talk about it. She wanted to tell her everything.

So she did. She went back to the day when she should have been going shopping with her mum and aunt which had turned in to the day she had got the letter and talked it through. The letter she had written back and then the phone calls which had been the first contact she had with her biological family in well – her whole life. Then the day she had met Anna and the joy it had been filled her with to find who she knew was going to be her friend for her whole life.

Then there was the trip to Yorkshire and the fear she had felt when she had got on the train.

And the events when she had got to the hospital the everything had happened next as well as meeting Patrick – that was quite the run down…. She had had a tale to tell and when it was done it was worth it. Cynthia had a big smile on her face and _that_ made it all worth it.

"So I take it you are going to go back to Yorkshire and see your handsome doctor sooner?"

"Honesty… he is not my doctor." She said but she was to going to lie that he was handsome. "but yes - I am going to go and see Elsie soon."

Cynthia simply gave her a knowing smile which said she knew plenty enough of what Bernadette was and was not saying.

"And what's been going on with you?" asked Bernadette.

Cynthia it turned out was less ready (or willing) to talk.

"Too much." She admitted with sad eyes.

For a moment Bernie did not know what to say until she said the only thing she could.

"Another biscuit?"

"Yes please."

X x x

Elsie was at the family PC in the living room and was just about to check her email when Charles walked in.

What was the word the kids used?

Busted.

"What you are doing, you are meant to be resting!"

"Looking at a screen for five minutes is not going to where me down!" She said as she the two of them grumbled at each other. It always ended up this way if they were both at home for too long.

They could not be together for too long before they went slightly nuts. But in a bizarre way that was why their marriage worked.

"But we both know if you do that then you are going to work!" he insisted and she paused as she tried to deny it.

Yes - she had been planning to do a bit of work. It was not long until the party now and while Cora had been wonderful and said she was not to worry about thing old habits die hard.

And it was a focus - not that she really needed it.

She had a rather lovely one. And that was her children.

"We do. Why don't you make me a cup of tea and the two of us can have a nice morning together?" he said.

She nodded. That sounded very much like a plan.

Ever since they had found out about the cancer they had always been a bit of an under tone between them but for the first time she did not think there was one. It was as if a weight had been lifted –and that for Elsie felt unreal. And it was not just the fact she had her op - it was a weight off of her shoulders. One she had been carrying for too long.

She sat on the sofa and just listened to the sound of the kettle and of her husband pottering about the kitchen – making the sounds of their home - and she knew how lucky she was. She did not think a lot of people would agree but she was and she knew it in her heart.

"The last few weeks had been quite something." She stated as he came back into the room.

"They have," he said in agreement as he sat by his side.

He had felt more in the last few weeks – experienced more emotions than he had believed possible for a man of his age to do so but that was the thing about life. He did not think it was ever going to stop surprising him.

Not now.

"That kids of ours – a midwife. I know I do not have a lot of righto be, but I am dead proud of her," he said as he put his arms about her.

She nodded. "I think – I think she would say we could be proud of her."

That was why Elsie could smile she thought to herself. Because she knew if it came down to it than that was going to be exactly what their daughter said. She was not angry – she was not holding a grudge against them.

She was kind and good and open hearted – like her sister.

"I think were going to be ok, my darling," he said with a smile as he took her hand.

Elsie nodded. She got that feeling too.

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	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

Charles was at work, as were all of the children, so Elsie had the house to herself when her boss came around – the last person she had thought that she was going to be seeing that day was Cora Crawley, but she was most welcome.

"Elsie it is so good to see you looking so well," said Cora as she came into the living room at the old dowager house.

They had known one another for a long time and while Elsie did not think even now the two of them could rightfully be called friends, they did have a relaxed relationship and they did care about each other.

"I do not know if I look good, but it is nice to see you."

She knew she had looked better she had lost a bit of her hair and she was tired. And….

Anyway.

"How are the girls?"

"Oh, you know the three of them." Cora indulged her curiosity. "Mary to still spending a lot of time with Matthew and I think they are getting closer and closer all of the time," if she was honest she was not so sure if she was happy about it but there was not a whole lot she was going to be able to do about it if Mary had made her mind up. If there was one thing her child was, it was determined.

"Edith is, of course, always at parliament," Cora said breezily. "And then there is Sybil at university who does not seem to be able to go to sleep at night unless she has turned at least one of her father's hair grey during the day."

Elsie could not help but laugh at that. That all sounds about right.

"What of your children…. Including, of course, Bernadette?"

There had been more than a little bit of gossip regarding the beautiful young women who seemed to be going in and out of the Carson's cottage and everyone wanted to know who she was.

And Beryl Patmore knew who she was, John Bates did, Edward Courtney did and she was often seen with Anna.

Word had begun to trickle out about where she had come from, not that Charles and Elsie were trying to keep her as some big secret.

If they had wanted to keep her quiet, it had been for her own sake, so that she was going to be able to get used to the fact she was part of their family now.

But in a village like Downton, gossip was inevitable.

Cora and Elsie had worked together for so long that of course, she wanted to know. And she was not going to lie about her curiosity.

And though Cora knew she had had no way of knowing the truth was, she felt guilty that she had been there while all this was going through all of what she had, and she had not been able to help her.

The two of them had been so young when Cora had first come to England to be the wife of the Earl of Grantham. She and Robert had been trying to figure out who they were a man and wife when Charles and Elsie had been expecting their first baby, so it was no surprise that she had been a little preoccupied, but she could still remember Elsie's first day back at the abbey after she had been away.

At the time Cora had not really taken a lot of notice. She had said welcome back but now she thought about it even looking back over the years she knew the women she worked with had been pale.

But she had been so wrapped up in herself and she had been thinking about starting her own family. In addition, she reminded herself, they had had the sale of the abbey going on and so many things which now paled in comparison.

She wished she had taken a little more time.

"Oh – she is ok," said Elsie as she felt the fresh sensation of someone asking her how her eldest child was. For so long she would have shrugged and said she had no idea but now she was in the blessed position of knowing and it was a completely new feeling. "She is back in London and well. In regular contact."

She could ask no more and that was more than enough.

It was always going to be.

"I am glad she is well – and I am sorry the family weren't there for you when you needed us."

Elsie rankled over that. She had never liked the image of the family being all powerful on high while the silly servant was there just do there bidding but as she looked as Cora she knew she was being quite, quite genuine.

She had always been kind to her and if she said she was sorry she had not been there for her when she needed her that was what she meant.

"It is quite alright – the truth is I didn't want people knowing." And she did not think all of the family were going to think as she did – especially not Lady Violet. She and Charles might have been out of jobs and the times which they were in right then were very different to the ways things had been twenty years ago.

She sighed and went back to the subject they were discussing beforehand, eager to close the book on that conversation.

Thomas seemed better than she had known him for a while. If anything, William seemed to be doing much better than he had done before she had gone into hospital too. She thought about how down in the dumps he had been the night she and Charles had found the lump and knew he had not really been in that state since. Hopefully, his infatuation with Daisy was over and he was going to be able to move on to find a nice lass who deserved him soon, for she knew it was not just her biased mother's opinion that made her believe her son was a catch.

He was a good boy and he was a hard worker and she did not think she knew many people who were as kind or willing to be a friend as William.

He was a sweet lad and he was going to find a girl who could see that.

And she was going to be so happy for him when one did.

Then there was Anna. Well, Anna was Anna. She was working hard, and she was good to her mother and had been such a support and, of course, being steadfast to John who Charles seemed to have accepted somewhat more these days she was glad to say.

Not exactly because he was who she would have chosen for Anna but because he was who Anna had chosen for Anna and they had to accept that.

One thing cancer had done – for all of them – was give them a bit of perspective. To make them see who was there for them and who was not. And what mattered.

"Is there anything which I can do for the party?" asked Cora asked later in the visit as the topic of work arose.

"You are meant to be resting!" Cora reminded herself but Elsie shook her head.

"I have had enough rest of late to last a lifetime. If I rest any more then I think I am going to go asleep and never wake back up."

"Honestly, if I do let you get involved then I think Charles is going to kill me," The American said with a smile.

She had been impressed by the devotion which the stoic Englishman had shown towards his wife but there had never been any doubt about that. Even though the two of them were prone to argue, she had always been able to see how devoted to one another they were and if the truth was known, once or twice that had been a cause of jealousy for the great Lady Grantham. She was never going to have that unbreakable bond with Robert that they two of them had.

Yes, she was fairly sure that he was faithful to her now but their history could not be rewritten though she knew if he could then Robert was going to overwrite so much of it in a heartbeat. The sad thing for the two of them was it could not be.

"You leave that husband of mine to me," said Elsie with the surety of a woman who knew she was more than his equal and had proved it to him several times.

"Very well. I will think about what I can get you to do and get back to you."

Elsie rankled a little under that statement but knew it was the best she was going to get.

She had been unwell and she had a boss who cared enough to acknowledge that. There were plenty of people in the world who were surely envious of that.

"In return is there anything I can do for you?"

Elsie ranked her brains.

She did not like to be cheeky and if Cora had not said those words then she would not have asked.

But she had learnt in life that if she did not ask, then she was not going to get.

"Well since I have had our daughter – Bernadette, not Anna you understand," she said as she tried to get used to her daughter's name now. "Since we have had her back in our lives I want to try and find as many excuses to see her as I can. I know she has forgiven me but I still feel as if I have no right –" Elsie shook her head. She did not need to unload all of this on to her boss. She just needed a yes or a no answer.

"When we have the party, can I ask her and her mother to come up for it."

Since she and Julienne had had the chat in the kitchen she found she had a great deal of esteem and admiration for the women who had brought up her daughter.

There was no other way to put it.

Just like her, she had been a working mother and she had done such a wonderful job. The one thing she did not wish to do and the one thing she knew she was never going to be able to do was come between the two of them. Nor would she wanted too.

They had an unbreakable bond and she respected that. It was not just Bernadette who was family – it was her mother too now.

Cora smiled.

"Well, we are practically inviting the whole village so I think we can have a few people from outside of it too."

This party was about celebrating the love for Robert she had and the love he had for her.

It was not a night to be excluding anyone and a few more people at the Abbey was not going to hurt.

"Of course, the two of them can come – we will be more than happy to have them!"

"Thank you – I fully intend to go and see her as much as I can but I am rather tired at the moment and I don't want her to come up just to look at me while I can't get better."

X x x

" _Lord and Lady Grantham of Downton Abbey request the presence of your company and two guests on the occasion of the thirtieth wedding anniversary."_

If there was a piece of mail which Julienne did not think was ever going to drop through their letterbox, then this was it she thought to herself.

"What's that?" asked Shelagh as she came down the stairs, her hair tied back for another shift at the hospital as she raced through to the kitchen to put some peanut butter on some toast.

"Lord and Lady Grantham have been married for thirty years and the two of us – and two friends – are on the guest list."

"Oh," Bernadette said with a smile. There was such a time when she did not think she would want to go to such a posh do but she had spent some time with Lady Mary – and while she wasn't sure she was exactly her time of person – she had nothing against her.

Meeting the rest of the family might be fun.

It was quite sweet of them to invite them though she knew the happy couple had not thought of it themselves.

"Charles and Elsie must have swung it for us."

She had heard Anna and Elsie talking about it in recent weeks when she had been up there, and she heard Patrick say something about it too. She would have to ask if he was going.

"You know at first they were going to keep it as a private function but now they are going to do a public thing. Lord Robert surprised Charles with it – they are going to do a fund raiser through the night for breast cancer care."

Maybe it was some sort of reward for her father's long service she thought to herself but she doubted if there was anything that Charles Carson would have preferred than a nod to all his family had been through of late.

"Well if I am not rotas on at work then I am going to go." She said to her mother not that she needed to say it.

"I think I am going to take them up on the invite as well!" she might even ask to swap shifts if needed so she could.

It was not every day that you got to go to the home of a lord and a lady for a big old knees up and she was more than curious to have a lot inside the abbey. She had meant to go when they had been up there before had but she had not had the time.

Then she could forgive herself for that as there had been a lot going on.

"Good!" Bernadette smile. If the two of them could get the night off, then she had a feeling they both deserved a break.

"Do you know who you are going to bring as your guest?"

Julienne smiled. Yes. She knew exactly who she was going to take.

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